Really thought provoking article from Meghan Murphy

On a similar note I always change the pronouns in my DS book to she because for some inexplicable reason they are nearly always a he. Even all the animals!

When in doubt, it's a male. This is what I understood growing up. If you don't know the sex assume male, male is the default. It's interesting, it's the opposite of what actually happens in the womb, where female is the default and to become male the foetus requires an actual event (the release of specific hormones at specific times in pg, I believe).

I like the idea of switching to assume female. I shall try to do that.

No, I know. I just think it's interesting that there are so many minibeasts that are shes and yet the tendency is to use the masculine pronoun.

Yes but people don't generally say she even if they know that!
However they do with chickens and cows :)

With spiders, ants, and bees, she is the accurate pronoun the majority of the time fwiw

Quentin yes I relate to that too - and I find it amazing how many of the women I know even older ones like me, will do themselves down or be reluctant to do what they really want, and get a raw deal in their marriages. I’m not judging them and I know I’m immersed in it all as well, but it’s so prevalent considering so many people will say women are equal now and feminism no longer needed. I always try to encourage them and bolster confidence as you describe.

One thing I always try to do is never assume anything or anyone is male and use she instead at least half the time - I thought this was important for my kids to hear, but I do it with other people too. E.g. I will talk about a passing magpie or a spider I’m putting out as “she”, I’ll refer to the plane’s pilot as “she” if it’s unknown. It’s AMAZING how hard this is to do at first and how many people really don’t like it and think you’re being deliberately difficult or obnoxious. Even though I never lecture anyone or tell them to do it or anything. I’m just trying to level the playing field wherever I find it lacking.

Wow. Lots of amazing positive statements in there I would love to speak out loud about myself.
I agree that there did come a point in my journey as a feminist when I felt feminism was another ideal women were supposed to live up to. I decided I didn't need to smash the patriarchy or prove that I could make it in a mans world, nor was I going to be an ideal housewife or perfect mother.
This took a lot of pressure off and helped me feel a lot more liberated than the feminism I'd been perusing up until then.

Agree

@ISaySteadyOn
"I think that parenting advice from when mine were small was that self esteem can be imposed if you just mother right so if your child has low self esteem, it makes you a bad mother. But that takes away autonomy from the child. And the idea that no child is ever naughty takes away the possibility of learning to redeem oneself and make amends. I am rambling but these are the thoughts that essay provokes."

I haven't read the article yet but I think that the urge to blame women (and specifically mothers, in this case) has distorted the way we frame problems in childrearing, so that's the feminist connection, maybe. If we looked at those problems in a neutral, non-women-blaming way, we might come up with different and better answers.

Just posted this on the wrong thread...

MM talks about:
a feminism that tells women they are helpless victims of culture and society, and that they can’t empower themselves until we “smash the patriarchy,” whatever that means.

See I do think this is absolutely a thing, but I don't think it's a radical feminist thing. I see it as part of liberal feminism or feminism-lite, to moan that for example, women can't become pop stars unless they dance about in their underwear, or Carrie Johnson can't swim in the sea because the papers will talk about her body (which I took issue with on another thread), or that it's hard for women to work because of the cost of childcare.

These things assume an inability in women to challenge the status quo, and essentially reinforce a patriarchy-defined role for women.

Whereas I see radical feminism (and my own feminism) to be about finding ways to do those things and change the imbalance - such as asserting in my own relationship that childcare was our cost, not my cost, or pointing out that women can and do break out of stereotypes and expectations, and acting as if they are outliers not worth a mention just reinforces the stereotypes.

So there's no "safe" way to get up to speed, and at the same time, you have to have an amazing "persona" to compete, or be acceptable. I feel so sorry for them. This is the new "Catch 21" (2021, that is!)

As in the OP statement, this isn't about feminism.

But this is part of MM increasingly public statement to distance herself from feminism because she feels feminism (whoever that is or who she decided to listen to) is dictating to her.

So would have had more respect if she hadn't had a title putting the blame on feminism, and had bothered to be better informed about what media / university feminism promotes rather than say women who are committed feminists.

Makes you wonder why she still has Feminist Current as her brand name. Wonder what a more appropriate name change would be?

(I dont think her criticism of trans self id ever really was a feminist one, but she was someone who early on was brave enough to speak out so many feminists just thought she must be one of us.)

Part of this is due to a broader problem on the left, which feminism has attached itself to. The complete rejection of individualism (something I also rejected for most of my life) has left young women (and, really, young people in general) without many tools with which they can build themselves up into strong, independent, confident people.

I can't say whether it's a matter of the left or rejection of individualism, but if I substitute tribalism for those, or even leave the first part of the sentence out, the rest of the sentence does resonate with me. Young women/ young people in general do lack tools to help them make themselves as adults. Maybe it's the combination of circumstances theorised in "The Coddling of the American Mind" (part way down the page here: www.thefire.org/catching-up-with-coddling-part-one-introduction/), or maybe it's the lack of stability experienced by this generation: it can't help to have insecure work, overwork/underwork, secure housing being out of reach without parental help, an existential threat (climate change) which individuals can supposedly contribute to or stave off, whereas Generation X individuals were perfectly powerless to prevent nuclear war... It's a lot of pressure! And I wonder whether the constant scrutiny affects their sense of self, too.

I mean if you're a self-identified feminist who thinks that TWAW, getting your kit off for men is empowering, and sex work is fine and dandy, you may not be very close to my idea of a feminist but you still consider yourself one. So "smash the patriarchy" really just means "I'm a feminist" without having ventured to look at how you are carrying out the patriarchy's aims for it.

women are so scared of "damaging" their child they overcompensate, which causes other kinds of damage. And of course most men opt out or aren't subject to the same pressure. This is the bit I wished Murphy had explored more because I feel that oppression of women is causing the very "validation" problem she describes.

That's a great insight and helps me make more sense of it! Women are still - whatever people claim - seen as the main parenters and responsible for how their kids turn out.

I think "smash the patriarchy" is a good sentiment in as far as it's good to understand that there is a patriarchy, and ideally how it works and that it's what we need to change. But also, a bit like "Black lives matter", it's become a thing that some people will use as a slogan or marker of their wokeness without really having much idea what the problems really involve, and while not actually resisting them.

It's interesting about men because DH never opted out but we did quarrel a bit about how to parent. I was for the, well, gentler parenting and he was for a firmer style. Now, in hindsight, I think he was absolutely right, but I do wonder about how biology might affect mothers. I was breastfeeding at the time and I wonder if this made me less willing to impose the boundaries that they should have had.

My DC are, fwiw, nice well-mannered children so I haven't done too badly but I am working on their resilience now and I have always been willing to tell them when they have behaved badly.

I think feeling that if you do something wrong that amends can be made is actually empowering in that you have control over your actions. The current cancel culture allows no room for amends only abasement so no wonder everyone wishes to keep on the 'right' side.