Page 4 | Best responses for being asked for pronouns in person

Seraphinite · 2021-06-05T22:33:22+00:00

I’m going to a residential training course (not UK) and I suspect they will ask us for pronouns when we introduce ourselves on day one. (I’ve been to something with this organization before and have seen it) What are some good responses I can give? Is saying ‘I prefer not to say’ best? I don’t want to draw attention to it, be adversarial or open up discussion, I just don’t want to answer. (For avoidance of doubt, I don’t buy in to gender ideology so that’s why I don’t want to answer. To me, stating my pronouns indicates I think it’s an ok question to ask in the first place )

CharlieParley · 07/06/2021 00:29

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

It depends if you want to start a debate, and on how much you want to stand out. I honestly think that most people will just be confused if you don't just pick a pronoun....Not saying that's right, just that it's not on most people's radars....

On the contrary. Experience has shown that most people are confused by the pronoun question.

In most real life situations I know of (outside of particularly performative circles), once the first person declined to play along, many more followed suit.

littlebillie · 06/06/2021 23:32

@twelly

I would introduce myself as xxx and then add wife and mother (don't know if that is the same aa you op) if someone is stupid enough to them ask for pronouns I would say she of course

I really like wife/mother as pronouns 😀

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/06/2021 23:31

It depends if you want to start a debate, and on how much you want to stand out. I honestly think that most people will just be confused if you don't just pick a pronoun....Not saying that's right, just that it's not on most people's radars....

ArabellaScott · 06/06/2021 23:29

I like to be addressed as your highness.

AlwaysLatte · 06/06/2021 23:16

Just give your preferred pronouns, they're not asking you to change them. Just to make sure they address you they way you like to be addressed.

LurcherLot · 06/06/2021 23:14

@Warmduscher

I wasn’t talking specifically about the poster who suggested using the “wrong” pronoun to try to mix things up a bit.

I meant all your posts. Your responses are so intense, it’s like someone needs to introduce you to lightheartedness.

We’re talking about words that 90% of the time people use when you’re not even in earshot. Seriously, why would it warrant such over-analysis?

And I say that as someone who was frequently mistaken for a man when I was younger. People made a mistake. No one died.

If it's such a trivial matter and warrants no deep analysis, why is OP or any of the rest of you even bothered by it? Why is it such a frequent topic of conversation on the board?

Cismyfatarse · 06/06/2021 23:11

"Pronouns?" Look baffled.

"Pro - nouns?"

Sorry. Not great at grammar but my name is X

ArabellaScott · 06/06/2021 23:05

Highlighting pronouns as an ordinarily unimportant part of speech that has suddenly become utterly loaded, impossible difficult to remember, and extraordinarily important is really not helping out any trans or gender non conforming people I know, I have to say. The opposite, in fact.

Warmduscher · 06/06/2021 23:04

I wasn’t talking specifically about the poster who suggested using the “wrong” pronoun to try to mix things up a bit.

I meant all your posts. Your responses are so intense, it’s like someone needs to introduce you to lightheartedness.

We’re talking about words that 90% of the time people use when you’re not even in earshot. Seriously, why would it warrant such over-analysis?

And I say that as someone who was frequently mistaken for a man when I was younger. People made a mistake. No one died.

Leafstamp · 06/06/2021 22:56

@ArabellaScott

An ESL speaker would already have learned he/him, she/her, they/them as a beginner to the language, there's not any requirement for them to learn new pronouns, just the same ones they already know.

Lots of people with English as a foreign language at my workplace. Can confirm that some with a pretty good standard of English struggle enormously with some grammar rules and regularly and blithely muddle up she/he/her/his.

I agree with you Arabella, I’m no expert on languages but the Hungarian people I know regularly use “he” when they mean “she”.

PaleGreenGhost · 06/06/2021 22:51

@WeeSisters

I have never had difficulty identifying someone’s sex. It is instinctual, and even if appearance doesn’t give it away, how someone walks does or the sound of their voice. It is really not a mystery that humankind have struggled with.

But I do find the pronouns at work issue toxic. Pronouns assert that gender identity trumps biological sex, and requires colleagues to show they are an ‘ally’ or risk being seen as bigot if they think sex is real and it matters.

That is a political stance which, like all political stances, has no place in the workplace.

This. It is essentially a trick question. Are you a performative ally or a bigot.

LurcherLot · 06/06/2021 22:50

@Warmduscher

Jesus, LurcherLot, your posts are so humourless!

Not sure where the joke is in stating an incongruous pronoun to try and provoke a negative reaction is, to be honest. Either you won't get a negative reaction, in which case all you've proved is no one else in the room is as uncomfortable with trans people as you are. Or you will get a negative reaction, in which case you've just gained personal insight into why some trans people appreciate a supportive environment in which to share their pronouns. Either way, self-own.

Warmduscher · 06/06/2021 22:35

Jesus, LurcherLot, your posts are so humourless!

ArabellaScott · 06/06/2021 22:33

An ESL speaker would already have learned he/him, she/her, they/them as a beginner to the language, there's not any requirement for them to learn new pronouns, just the same ones they already know.

Lots of people with English as a foreign language at my workplace. Can confirm that some with a pretty good standard of English struggle enormously with some grammar rules and regularly and blithely muddle up she/he/her/his.

LurcherLot · 06/06/2021 22:29

@AlwaysTawnyOwl

I’m a woman and look like one. But I’d be tempted to say ‘he/him’ because it’s self I’d right? Just to see the disbelief/cognitive dissonance.

Uh right, except the most likely outcome is people will not react with disbelief, will take you at your word, and call you he/him without question, and then you'd be stuck with it (or face the awkward conversation of having to walk it back) for as long as you know these people, which if it's a work thing, could be a long time.

AlwaysTawnyOwl · 06/06/2021 22:06

I’m a woman and look like one. But I’d be tempted to say ‘he/him’ because it’s self I’d right? Just to see the disbelief/cognitive dissonance.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/06/2021 21:50

@LurcherLot

The harm it causes is if you're the one person in the group who does have to specify their pronouns because it really isn't obvious from your physical appearance then it's potentially more embarrassing and awkward for that person, and draws attention to them and might make them feel singled out.

That person may be trans, or they may not be.

How would it not be obvious from their physical appearance? It's really easy to tell and if someone is unsure they can just use that person's name.

scaredsadandstuck · 06/06/2021 21:48

"is this a trick question?"

SiobhanSharpe · 06/06/2021 21:38

Or LurcherLot you could just say
'Ah, this is Lucy who works in HR and is our fundraising lead. Lucy is also famous in the office for baking and makes an amazing brownie, let me tell you Lucy is really the best. Let me just leave you getting to know each other and I'll catch up with you both later.'
Two repetitions of the name instead of eight.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 06/06/2021 21:37

Deeds, not words.

gospelsinger · 06/06/2021 21:37

I wouldn't say 'I don't have a preference' because I do. I expect people to be able to work out for themselves to use she/ her when talking about me. I suppose I would object to being asked. It's a bit like introducing yourself as your dc's parent and then being asked if you are the mother or the father.

Jolie12345 · 06/06/2021 21:21

Well said

WeeSisters · 06/06/2021 21:19

I have never had difficulty identifying someone’s sex. It is instinctual, and even if appearance doesn’t give it away, how someone walks does or the sound of their voice. It is really not a mystery that humankind have struggled with.

But I do find the pronouns at work issue toxic. Pronouns assert that gender identity trumps biological sex, and requires colleagues to show they are an ‘ally’ or risk being seen as bigot if they think sex is real and it matters.

That is a political stance which, like all political stances, has no place in the workplace.

midgedude · 06/06/2021 20:50

Oh ffs you learn a word you learn it's meaning

LurcherLot · 06/06/2021 20:49

@Chrysanthemum5

Well that's you but I work with a lot of people who are not fluent in English and having to remember different pronouns does make it harder for them. And also lots of neurodiverse people find it hard when people use pronouns that don't match their sex. And there is a lot of research that shows that women are treated more harshly in environments where there are reminders of biological sex (such as pronouns). You may not choose to believe it that's up to you - but don't assume that because you are ok with pronouns they are fine for everyone with no negative consequences

An ESL speaker would already have learned he/him, she/her, they/them as a beginner to the language, there's not any requirement for them to learn new pronouns, just the same ones they already know. There's no reason at all it should be any harder for them than anyone else. It's not like trans people don't exist outside English speaking countries either, so I don't know why you'd assume the concept would be particularly hard for someone just because they're ESL.

I didn't say I didn't believe the research, I asked you to cite it so I could look at it myself. Can you cite it?