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Original poster

DD wants to change school to escape the LGBTQ pressure

85 replies

SunshineNDaisies · 31/05/2021 06:18

So over the past year, I have become increasingly concerned about DDs friendships, who she is mixing with and some of the messages on her phone. DD is 13.

The messages on her phone from her friends say things like they are lesbian, they are non binary, plus lots of messages about self harming.
DD always insisted she was straight when I asked her. I did be a good mum and say I wanted her to be happy however she identified but she kept saying no, I'm definitely straight.

She would come home and say "sara is now called Pip", "joe is now called North", "Amy is using neo pronouns" and admit to me that she's finding it all very confusing and hard to keep up with but has to be careful what she says so not to cause offense or get into trouble at school.

She also told me her best friend is now a lesbian, self harms, her best friend's mum's an alcoholic, and the group of friends DD is hanging around with made her drink some cans of lager when they went to the park and are making her go to areas of town DD isn't allowed.

So over the past year we've been trying to encourage DD to change her social circle, taking her phone off her, grounding her etc.

She's also not happy at school because kids misbehave in class and DD cannot concentrate and she's getting headaches.

It all came to a head yesterday and DD broke down and said she wants to change schools.

DD says she's being put under lots of pressure to 'come out' as anything other than straight. To change her look to a non binary look (I thought DD already had a gender neutral look going on - she loves joggers!). She's being put under pressure to choose a gender neutral new name and change her pronouns. She's being put under pressure to try self harming (she insists she hasn't). She's being contacted by older boys on Instagram (she showed me the messages and DD seems to have replied Piss off and leave me alone but she shouldn't be adding those people - so phone confiscated again). She's being put under pressure to skip classes. Put under pressure to join the schools LGBTQ group. Put under pressure to wear rainbow flag colours to school e.g. friends say get your nails painted LGBT colours.

DD is just clearly overwhelmed with it all and feeling really pressurised. This on top of bad behaviour preventing her education is all just too much and she has asked to change schools.

Sorry this is long but I'm upset as a mother but at the same time relieved. I have watched as she has changed from the lovely DD I know to someone who is moody, argumentative, weepy etc. I've tried everything but DD was keeping things from me. DD is like her dad, can't say no, and becomes everyone's counsellor, and that's just too much for a kid of 13.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first.

Sorry for the essay. I feel upset, relieved, overwhelmed and a bit unsure of what more to do. This LGBTQ stuff has really taken over our kids lives Sad

OP posts:
EskSmith · 31/05/2021 08:47

@1dayatatime

Your daughter is being open and sharing with you the messages she has received so please do NOT do this and also apologise for doing so and explain to her that you made a mistake and that you are glad she feels she can talk to you about this. Otherwise she will simply not tell you anything next time and this situation will get a whole lot worse.
I agree with the others, don't take her phone as a result of her sharing with you - you put a massive barrier in place for her sharing next time. I agree with the poster who said don't take the phone but have a rule that it is charged out of the bedroom at night.

She needs to be out of that friendship group and is asking you to help her so you need to listen. I'd certainly be seriously considering her request if there are any schools at all that could take her.

MsTSwift · 31/05/2021 08:47

Definitely move. I have similar age girls and not experienced this within their friendship groups so it might be a fresh start enables her to slot in with more likeminded friends.

PatsArrow · 31/05/2021 08:41

I would agree. She sounds like a really sensible girl who's struggling under horrendous social pressure. She's showing a lot of strength at such a young age. I would commend her and listen to her.

Get looking at schools.

1dayatatime · 31/05/2021 08:39

Oh and she sounds like a wonderful grounded sensible 12 year old girl that any parent would be proud of. So I would definitely listen to her wish to move school and now is the time to do it so so she can start afresh in September. People move their children's schools for a lot weaker reasons than this.

1dayatatime · 31/05/2021 08:36

Your daughter is being open and sharing with you the messages she has received so please do NOT do this and also apologise for doing so and explain to her that you made a mistake and that you are glad she feels she can talk to you about this. Otherwise she will simply not tell you anything next time and this situation will get a whole lot worse.

PatsArrow · 31/05/2021 08:30

I agree I would be brutally honest with the school too.

They should know the kind of culture they have within the school, even if it's only in certain small groups. I would argue it straddles bullying and safeguarding.

WhatsGoingOnHereThen · 31/05/2021 08:26

This sounds horrendous, although being that age is tough. I know I would have found these issues massively confusing at that age though.

I wouldn't rule out applying to the Catholic school, I went to one (in Scotland) and it was a hugely mixed group of people. One of the best things about it actually.

I'd be brutally honest in feedback with the school as well. Some of it sounds like pressure/bullying just taking a new 'inclusive' form and some children will likely come to harm in that environment.

I'm not convinced private schools are much better as it is partly cultural. Like others have said though, can you curb the social media/phone use and get her doing some sports, clubs etc. Scouts, sewing/baking, sports clubs. I had a paper round at that age, I appreciate that's not really possible nowadays but maybe some paid jobs around the house or volunteering? Anything to broaden her experience, keep her busy and away from these kids.

PatsArrow · 31/05/2021 08:24

I would move schools.

Yes this is everywhere but I think this particular friendship group she's in is particularly toxic.

I have a DD who's 16 and about to enter sixth form. Our school has a very strong LBGTQ Equalties club. Throughout her school life she has had friends who are a part of this group. She even has a FtM trans friend in her close friendship group, but it's a very relaxed friendship. Just normal teenage stuff and conversations. No pressure. She also has a friend who has self-harmed but it was seen as an issue that needed grown-ups to help with. That friend has now got counselling and DD and her other friends are supportive.

I think you're DD's friendship group is extreme. Coupled with the fact she's not happy with the class behaviour and the learning environment, I would look to make a clean break,

I feel so bad for you both. Now is a good time to investigate a new school for a fresh start in September. Before Y10 begins.

Good luck. This WILL get better.

BreakingtheIce · 31/05/2021 08:19

If this were my daughter I would definitely move her or home school. Get her out if that toxic environment.

SunshineLane · 31/05/2021 08:16

I wouldn’t rule out applying to the Catholic secondary schools. Generally there’s a good mix of Catholic and nondenominational children who attend and if it means she has breathing space to find herself again I think any more would be positive

eeyore228 · 31/05/2021 08:12

@ SunshineNDaisies we have had similar issues and DD is 11. I have never know anything like it. DD told me she had a GF and that she didn't tell anyone because we are ‘all homophobic’. Everyone is unless they are from her group. Her GF thinks she non-binary. A large number of her group and dating. She told me she had to experiment otherwise she might homophobic or transphobic. I have supported her because I don't want to tell her how she feels. At the same time, I amazed by the sheer intensity of it all. She admitted one of her group was self-harming. I have seen other threads which suggest this isn't just ours. school. Dd broke down. saying the pressure was too much. We have encouraged her to look at the friendship group and try to take a step back. We just have to see how it goes. Obviously moving your DD is an option but I would mention it might have similar issues, that way she is aware before you make an active decision to move her. I really hope you find a solution.

Guavafish · 31/05/2021 08:12

I would move her schools and ask her to take care what new friends she will make. Ask her to befriend only students who were academically motivated.

Sounds more than LGBT and they she might not fit in with her friends group as they are growing up fast.

FuckOffTabloids · 31/05/2021 08:05

Rather than taking her phone off her, just make a rule that the phone charges downstairs at night.

Other posters are right, if she voluntarily shows you something on her phone and that results in you taking her phone away then why on earth would she do that again? If she lies to you about something or breaks house rules etc then fine to remove her phone but don't punish her for confiding in you about something to do with her phone by then immediately taking it away Hmm

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 08:03

I'm not sure why this is in feminism? That aside, it sounds like a fresh start in a new place could do her good. I think this kind of thing is rife amongst certain groups in every secondary school but she could focus on a different group at a new school.

My DD is a teen and although this goes in at her school it doesn't go on in her friendship group at all. One girl is a lesbian but in a normal "I'm a lesbian" way not all the peer pressure, rainbow nails, angst fuelled way.

It sounds like you have a great relationship where she opens up to you and shares a lot. I wouldn't risk this with the phone confiscation type actions. If anything this will make her feel more isolated

PyjamaFan · 31/05/2021 07:58

This sounds awful, your poor daughter.

I think you need to make an appointment to see someone at school and tell them all this. Although I have no idea what they will be able to do without having 'prejuduce' screamed at them.

What an absolute nightmare.

rookiemere · 31/05/2021 07:54

Unfortunately this is rife. There are 2 girls with boys names and two pan sexual girls in DSs S3 class. I'd be worried you'd move her and it would be exactly the same elsewhere. Depends what you find I suppose.

CovidCorvid · 31/05/2021 07:50

Is there another possible school apart from the catholic one? Time is kind of of the essence, once she starts year 10 it’s much harder to chance school due to different exam boards.

Original poster
SunshineNDaisies · 31/05/2021 07:45

We are not Catholic so wouldn't get into a Catholic school and DD does not like some pupils at the nearest Catholic school (neighbours kids).

We take her phone off her to stop her texting at night and get some sleep but also to give her a break from the peer pressure.

We've told her to be her own person and not to feel pressurised into things but DD says it is increasingly hard

She lost her best friend to a 'wendy' and has another BF but that friendship isn't great and I think DD just fell into that friendship for want of anyone else.

We've spoken to the school, we've tried out of school activities, we've encouraged her to speak to pastoral care, we've complained about disruptive lessons. We really have tried everything and I wouldn't say its "bad parenting". Thanks for that.

OP posts:
SheepyLamb2 · 31/05/2021 07:32

I would support my daughters want of changeing school. Fresh start .

Sounds very toxic right now and like the group would be hard to move away from.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 31/05/2021 07:32

@CovidCorvid

I think if she’s asking to move schools then you should listen to her, it’s not something 13yos tend to ask for. While I’m sure there may be an element of it at any school I think changing the friendship circle will help.
This is definitely right! Maybe even look into a religious school where neo-pan-sexuality is not encouraged?
LeafBeetle · 31/05/2021 07:18

I think a fresh start seems like a god idea in these circumstances.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 31/05/2021 07:10

I would 100% change the school, and I would do this in conjunction with some kind of therapy / counselling.

Yes it's rife everywhere.
But this will let your daughter know you have heard her and have her back while giving her a reset and professional support to help her ID more suitable friends.
Peers are huge influential so if i could optimise it I would. However, agree at the school she needs to find her own path (even if it's being a loner)

In terms of the school... I'd view it the same way as leaving a bad job. Give them a heads up you arent happy, start researching /find an alternative then give them notice asap.
Whether you give feedback or not it'll most likely be ignored.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/05/2021 07:10

Do not take her phone off her when she is being open. That’s such bad parenting. Next time she will hide it.

PermanentTemporary · 31/05/2021 07:08

I do think some of the changes will be because she is 13 and not because of the school exactly. But it does sound like a really difficult environment for your dd. Ironically she needs to find a identity of her own and not one focused on navel gazing and which prioritises self harm.

Does she have any more positive things happening in her life? I know it's difficult at the moment. But sport, music, youth group of some kind, drama group?

HeidiHighLow · 31/05/2021 07:08

I also think a fresh start somewhere else would help your Dd op. I would look into moving her elsewhere.