DD wants to change school to escape the LGBTQ pressure

She's got to figure out how to make this school good for her.

She really hasn’t. She is 13, sounds incredibly sensible, and is having all of this forced on her by people who should be her friends.

You have to laugh when so much of LGBTQI+ ideology is about “being your authentic self” and yet here we have complete intolerance of a person who is quite happy with who they are.

It seems like heterophobia is becoming the new norm and is not being tackled in the school environment. It definately needs to be raised as an issue, the same way if a lgb young person was being pressured to be straight.

What is a "wendy?"

If possible move schools, this is just about the last time you have that chance before GCSE courses are set in stone.

Also your DD is quite a rebel isn't she? Being straight is so 'out there' these days.

Good idea to limit smartphone use. You should watch a documentary on Amazon. I think it's Social Dilema. Those who are very senior or help set up social media like Facebook and Instagram say neither they nor their children have smart phones or use apps.

You're very blessed to have such a smart daughter. Do all you can to give her the best!

I never take DD’s phone (I would as a punishment but never needed to). She leaves it on a charging station at bed time so it’s charged for the next day. We also have a rule that mobile phones are only used downstairs (not behind closed bedroom doors). She still gets privacy but without the temptation closed doors bring. It works really well. Dd1 is very good and loves clear rules - dd2&3 are wild so I set clear rules now for dd1 as I fear dd2&3 at secondary with mobile phones.

I think a change of school sounds like a positive move. It can be difficult for a teen to reposition themselves socially.
Taking her phone to give her a break is actually quite helpful. I used to 'impose' limits on DD when she was finding it hard to get away from friends!
If your DD was being pressured into relationships with boys and wearing provocative clothing, taking drugs etc the school might take it more seriously. LGBT stuff is becoming toxic and untouchable because of the fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. Which makes it ripe for exploitation.
My DD has removed herself from a group chat which has become dominated with chatter about this topic. She doesn't want to engage and knows silence is interpreted negatively.
Yes, your DD will experience this at other schools but hopefully with a less invested friendship group she will be able to assert her own boundaries and find like minded kids.

We've spent last night and this morning looking at schools and emailing them. DD seems most keen on a school that's about an hour away but there's a local bus. She knows a few kids there (albeit boys so not sure if they'd want a girl hanging with them lol). Its high up the exam results league table so I'm worried there might not be places. There's also another school we're considering, but also a high demand school. I don't know if we do a placing request first, or if we can visit first. I did ask that question when I emailed

I don’t think you will be allowed to visit because of Covid, they are limiting the number of adults in schools.

Are these two schools in your own local authority ? Of course you can apply elsewhere but you will be lower priority.

High demand schools are usually oversubscribed at S1 but not necessarily at your DDs stage.

Will they not tell you if they have a place right now? Then you can visit ASAP and put in the request.
Good luck to your daughter op. It's awful being stuck in a school you aren't happy in.

Move schools. Also tell the safeguarding lead that you are doing so because this friendship group has become toxic and your DD is being encouraged to self-harm and bullied for being straight. If you have screen shots of messages to that effect, even better. They need to know that in their school the 'inclusivity' has tipped into not only being exclusive but also bullying and encouraging self harm. They should take that very seriously - and you raising it might stop the same thing happening to another pupil.

I think the lgbtq is a red herring here. Education and dealing with peer group/ finding a comfortable peer group is where I'd focus.

If you don't want private would extra tuition in some key subjects be palatable?

If she isn't getting an education you value, isn't happy and actively has asked to leave the next stage is scoping out the options. No point leaving a bad school for a worse one.

If she were mine i would be looking at all options.

Being LGBTQ is fine. Pressurising others about their sexuality, to drink alcohol or self-harm is not ok.

This is one of life’s lessons and is a gamble. Do you put her in another school where this might be a problem or do you keep her there and tell her she should find new friends? It’s a tough one.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first

You don’t have to say anything to the current school. Just contact your preferred schools, find out if they have spaces at your daughter’s stage and make a placement request ASAP. Or contact the person who deals with placement requests at your local authority.

Personally I’d try to avoid giving a reason to anyone, as it’s a very political subject. If you have to, just say shes is being bullied / picked on and wants a fresh start.

You should get onto this tomorrow and try to move her before they start their new timetables.

If you post on Scotsnet, they might be able to advise you about specific schools in your area and their reputation on these controversial issues.

I also wouldn’t rule out catholic schools, worth emailing them anyway and, if they have space, having a look around.

Be aware that it might not be that different in another school - it’s the same in DDs school (although we are in England). She’s similar in that insists she is straight, but seems to be in the minority. I have also said ‘it’s fine if you are gay / bisexual etc I just want you to be happy’ as I don’t want her to feel she has to hide anything from us.

It also seems to be the popular thing to be going through some sort of emotional crisis every other day. But then isn’t that what teenagers have always been like?

However I think you need to encourage your DD - whether at her current school or a new school - to be herself and choose her friends carefully, not to go along with others just because they are pressuring her.

DD was in a friendship group with some girls where there was always some big drama about who had a crush on who, and she was always a go-between and was miserable - I reminded her that friends are supposed to be people that we enjoy hanging out with, and if they are making you unhappy then they aren’t friends. She withdrew from that group and made different friends and is happier. A lot of them are gay / non binary / trans, but I think she feels more confident now to be herself and stays out of any dramas.

Also, I think this thread would be better on the Teenagers board than in Feminism.

Your poor daughter!
I’d defo move, and then let the school know exactly why.
Sounds like you and her have a great relationship and I agree to taking phone away at night-we all need a break!
I’d also treat her to a fab day together as a thank you for her being so honest with you.
Good luck!

I'd move her school definitely but at the same organise some counselling for her to learn to deal with peer pressure and become her own person. I don't think a new school will be the panacea she wants, but I do think a break and fresh start, coupled with counselling, will help. Good luck.

I have 13 yo dd - the whole lgbtq+ as a fashion thing is a nightmare. Dd knows we are accepting and have gay friends but she also knows where I sit with trans. I remain open minded and to be proven otherwise but I feel the labels reduce being a woman to a stereotype and being you is enough and doesn’t need labels.

Luckily she’s found herself 3 good friends and they all just watch on confused at the drama in the rest of the year. Your experience sounds extreme so I’d consider moving her or teaching her to be firm at pushing back that she’s just being her. I imagine it’ll all have changed by September too.

Good luck op.

I'd move her. I have a friend whose DD made an appalling start at her secondary school (different issue but equally unhappy child) and moving her is going to be the only way she'll get the fresh start she needs.

However, you need to be realistic with her: DD it will be possible to move you but if the catholic school is the only/best option then you can't refuse it because of the neighbour's kids.

Essentially you can't magic up the perfect school. With the move will come compromise, whether that's not liking some of the kids or distance or whatever.

I would look at moving schools, she's not getting a good education by the sounds of it and she's really struggling with the other kids. I'd have her visit a few times to make sure she likes the new school better.