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Original poster

DD wants to change school to escape the LGBTQ pressure

85 replies

SunshineNDaisies · 31/05/2021 06:18

So over the past year, I have become increasingly concerned about DDs friendships, who she is mixing with and some of the messages on her phone. DD is 13.

The messages on her phone from her friends say things like they are lesbian, they are non binary, plus lots of messages about self harming.
DD always insisted she was straight when I asked her. I did be a good mum and say I wanted her to be happy however she identified but she kept saying no, I'm definitely straight.

She would come home and say "sara is now called Pip", "joe is now called North", "Amy is using neo pronouns" and admit to me that she's finding it all very confusing and hard to keep up with but has to be careful what she says so not to cause offense or get into trouble at school.

She also told me her best friend is now a lesbian, self harms, her best friend's mum's an alcoholic, and the group of friends DD is hanging around with made her drink some cans of lager when they went to the park and are making her go to areas of town DD isn't allowed.

So over the past year we've been trying to encourage DD to change her social circle, taking her phone off her, grounding her etc.

She's also not happy at school because kids misbehave in class and DD cannot concentrate and she's getting headaches.

It all came to a head yesterday and DD broke down and said she wants to change schools.

DD says she's being put under lots of pressure to 'come out' as anything other than straight. To change her look to a non binary look (I thought DD already had a gender neutral look going on - she loves joggers!). She's being put under pressure to choose a gender neutral new name and change her pronouns. She's being put under pressure to try self harming (she insists she hasn't). She's being contacted by older boys on Instagram (she showed me the messages and DD seems to have replied Piss off and leave me alone but she shouldn't be adding those people - so phone confiscated again). She's being put under pressure to skip classes. Put under pressure to join the schools LGBTQ group. Put under pressure to wear rainbow flag colours to school e.g. friends say get your nails painted LGBT colours.

DD is just clearly overwhelmed with it all and feeling really pressurised. This on top of bad behaviour preventing her education is all just too much and she has asked to change schools.

Sorry this is long but I'm upset as a mother but at the same time relieved. I have watched as she has changed from the lovely DD I know to someone who is moody, argumentative, weepy etc. I've tried everything but DD was keeping things from me. DD is like her dad, can't say no, and becomes everyone's counsellor, and that's just too much for a kid of 13.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first.

Sorry for the essay. I feel upset, relieved, overwhelmed and a bit unsure of what more to do. This LGBTQ stuff has really taken over our kids lives Sad

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BreakingtheIce · 31/05/2021 19:41

@SunshineNDaisies

If someone identifies as LGBTQ+, fine, but to put pressure on my daughter to be anything other than straight, is not on.

For kids of 12/13 to be posting "I love pussy" on their public social media, is not on. Nor is it appropriate at any age.

to talk about self harm, because their parents are 'so homophobic' and 'don't understand me' and to send pictures of self harm to my DD for her thoughts is not on

DD told me that one of her classmates uses neo pronouns. Not sure what this is but DD was saying they want to be known as fae

So instead of miss bloggs its fae bloggs, or something like that

DD is totally confused by it.

They/them, I can understand but when it becomes ze, xe, fae, that's just too much for me let alone DD

At least if its a thing at her preferred new school, there aren't many kids locally who go there and she has some distance.

If that is really what these CHILDREN are posting in social media, you need to report it to the school. Why on Earth are they posting sexually explicit stuff like that? They shouldn’t be sexually active , let alone posting that stuff. It’s horrifying. They need help .
Lovetomato · 31/05/2021 15:09

If a child sent my child photos of their self-harming I would be on to the school - even if they said it was nothing to do with the school I would hope they could advise and at least be aware that a child at their school was in need of help. Their parents should know and I take it you have no relationship with them? It directly impacts your child‘s mental health too. Hopefully it could be dealt with confidentially.

PetuniaPot · 31/05/2021 14:42

I agree with moving schools asap. No waiting for terms to end if you don't absolutely have to.
O.

ScrollingLeaves · 31/05/2021 12:44

I am so sorry for your DD. How lucky she is telling you about it all.

Yes, do let her move schools.

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 12:44

Her group of ‘friends’ sounds very toxic.
Not sure what to advice you but whatever she does, keep hanging around with them is only going to make things worse.

I feel sorry for your DD. I remember when I was 13 years old it was already hard enough without all of this ridiculous woke pressure.

TotorosCatBus · 31/05/2021 12:43

She needs new friends really. If she joins a new school and makes friends similar to the ones now she will be stuck in this situation again.

I have a 14yo son and there's none of this in his friendship group. I have a dd in Sixth Form too and while she knows people who are lesbians or non-binary, there's never any pressure to join in or declare your sexuality.

Original poster
SunshineNDaisies · 31/05/2021 12:37

If someone identifies as LGBTQ+, fine, but to put pressure on my daughter to be anything other than straight, is not on.

For kids of 12/13 to be posting "I love pussy" on their public social media, is not on. Nor is it appropriate at any age.

to talk about self harm, because their parents are 'so homophobic' and 'don't understand me' and to send pictures of self harm to my DD for her thoughts is not on

DD told me that one of her classmates uses neo pronouns. Not sure what this is but DD was saying they want to be known as fae

So instead of miss bloggs its fae bloggs, or something like that

DD is totally confused by it.

They/them, I can understand but when it becomes ze, xe, fae, that's just too much for me let alone DD

At least if its a thing at her preferred new school, there aren't many kids locally who go there and she has some distance.

OP posts:
aiwblam · 31/05/2021 12:24

If she wants to move I’d let her.

However, this stuff is rife everywhere. My dd is 13 and it’s really the thing to say you’re bi etc. They were decorating their stuff and they are under pressure to use lgbtq flags. My ds has a trans child with they pronouns in his class also.

2bazookas · 31/05/2021 12:14

I'd let her move. but only if you can find a school where this shitfest isn't going on. Good luck with that.

Congratulations on raising a child who is happy in her skin, btw.

PineappleCakes · 31/05/2021 12:13

I'm not sure changing schools will mean that your daughter escapes sexual identity issues, because it is rife at this age and in these times the focus seems very much to be "you have to identify as something".

But as she has asked for a change then of course you should explore that option.

More importantly she needs a new friendship group that is not so focused on sexual identities and orientations, be secure in herself - which you are already encouraging. You sound very supportive and doing all that you can already to help her steer her way through this quagmire. At 13 yrs old, we too kept phones out of the bedroom at night so I don't think you're being a bad parent to restrict her access.

I'm not at all familiar with the Scottish system, but good luck with the move Flowers

Fraida · 31/05/2021 12:02

This sounds like a peer pressure issue rather than an LGBTQ+ issue - sounds fairly standard for year nine to be honest. I would be supporting her in changing peer groups and reducing her social media using.

My son is trans and is at a catholic school which have been very supportive of their LGBTQ+ community so I think your thinking of a religious school being less open minded is probably wrong!

Iluvfriends · 31/05/2021 11:56

This is awful to hear, i hope your daughter is strong enough to stand up to her so called friends and just be herself. Cant schools see what advocating for Stonewall and the like is doing to kids. Let them be, let them decide who they want to be themselves and offer support if needed. This 'fad' needs to stop, it's damaging young minds.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 31/05/2021 11:52

The school sounds awful.

I hope that you can find a change to a better one.

Curatingchaos · 31/05/2021 11:51

This is everywhere in the uk atm.
I’d be surprised at any parents of children the same age who haven’t experienced something similar. It’s awful.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 11:47

Change schools!

Original poster
SunshineNDaisies · 31/05/2021 11:45

yes, that's what I meant by Wendy. She fell victim to one and lost her old BF as a result. Her 'new' BF seems troubled and I think DD realises this herself but doesn't want to be alone and is going along with this girl and her crowd, but even some of her old friends from primary are all about the non binary identities. And on my DDs instagram are lots of kids I've known since they were at nursery saying "I love pussy". Its awful.

@eeyore228 a lot of what you say rings true, I have seen, heard and read it from her and on her social media. Its just horrible.

She's away out with her cousins today and left her phone at home with me quite happily. We did try a period of being allowed her phone only whilst at school in case of emergencies but even then the kids were still messaging each other (instead of being taught - says a lot about the school)

OP posts:
Donitta · 31/05/2021 11:45

I don’t think it’s ok for a young person to feel pressured to do something they don’t want to. Whether that’s to do with gender, drugs, alcohol, sex, or anything else. She clearly feels pressured and unsafe, and she is asking to be removed from that environment, so I would support her decision.

Branleuse · 31/05/2021 11:44

I dont think it will be much different in any other schools tbh as being lgbtqetc the new thing. I think its worth just encouraging her to be herself and if she is being bullied, the school needs to tackle it. I know kids in various schools round here and pretty much most of the girls and some of the boys are all gay, bi, pansexual, non binary, furries. Even polyamorous. Its basically like choosing a flag.
Theyre just trying to find an identity and their place in society. I think a great deal of it is much less sexual than adults are thinking, but obviously theres quite a seedy adult side to it all, but isnt there always?

Keep conversations open. Empower her that its fine to be straight. This stuff is all gonna pass for most of them anyway , but at least the gays are finally having their moment

TopBlogger · 31/05/2021 11:37

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun

What is a "wendy?"
I think it is someone you introduce into a group who then takes over and pushes you out
Helleofabore · 31/05/2021 11:32

@eeyore228

@ SunshineNDaisies we have had similar issues and DD is 11. I have never know anything like it. DD told me she had a GF and that she didn't tell anyone because we are ‘all homophobic’. Everyone is unless they are from her group. Her GF thinks she non-binary. A large number of her group and dating. She told me she had to experiment otherwise she might homophobic or transphobic. I have supported her because I don't want to tell her how she feels. At the same time, I amazed by the sheer intensity of it all. She admitted one of her group was self-harming. I have seen other threads which suggest this isn't just ours. school. Dd broke down. saying the pressure was too much. We have encouraged her to look at the friendship group and try to take a step back. We just have to see how it goes. Obviously moving your DD is an option but I would mention it might have similar issues, that way she is aware before you make an active decision to move her. I really hope you find a solution.
This is all too common amongst my teen's friends. They make a HUGE deal of who is 'homophobic' and 'transphobic' and even tell each other 'oh, yes, last year I was so HOMOPHOBIC when I did this [insert completely normal teenaged but no homophobic thing]'.

I warned my teen not to get into romantic relationships with any of their friends. They had seen that it hadn't worked for some of the other girls. But my teen did, and we supported them, but then of course they needed to break it off and lost friends over it. They learn the hard way unfortunately.

R0SEMARY · 31/05/2021 11:08

I disagree about home schooling her until September. Move her now before the new timetables start in the next two weeks and while P7 and new S6 inductions are going on. Lots of other new pupils will be starting.

CliftonGreenYork · 31/05/2021 11:00

@TheReluctantPhoenix

And, by the way, removing her phone because she willingly shared what is going on with you is an error. Next time she will keep it to herself.
Totally agree. This flagged up for me straight away. Your daughter sounds like an amazing girl and you need to trust her as much as she trusted you.
Puddlet · 31/05/2021 10:56

I have a 13 year old too and am glad to say that at her school the girls have a mix of interests - horses, theatre, dancing and academic work. Theres still unpleasant peer pressure and bad behaviour but on balance it's fine. The the school you describe sounds toxic and ineffective. I hope you find something much better.

WineAcademy · 31/05/2021 10:47

@PatsArrow

We did speak to the head of her year as we weren't happy with some of the teaching and the distractions in classes. He was quite rude in his responses and dismissive. So we did try to resolve it.

I think there's your steer. Your dd is really unhappy, anxious and being bullied (under a banner of 'progression'). The school is either completely unaware of the own culture/atmosphere happening within the school, or they don't care.
The fact the head of year was rude and dismissive shows you need to move her. Appalling.

Ah, I didn't see this earlier.

Your way is pretty clear, OP. I'd Move her, and if you have the capacity, consider home schooling her before her September start. It will give her breathing room and time to gather herself up for the change.

PatsArrow · 31/05/2021 10:44

We did speak to the head of her year as we weren't happy with some of the teaching and the distractions in classes. He was quite rude in his responses and dismissive. So we did try to resolve it.

I think there's your steer. Your dd is really unhappy, anxious and being bullied (under a banner of 'progression'). The school is either completely unaware of the own culture/atmosphere happening within the school, or they don't care.
The fact the head of year was rude and dismissive shows you need to move her. Appalling.