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Original poster

When men intimidate women but don’t break the law. What’s the best thing to do?

37 replies

Nilbog · 29/05/2021 16:04

I feel like this happens a lot.

Shouting, driving aggressively, refusing to move out of the way, standing over women to show how much bigger they are etc.

It seems futile to report these incidents to the police but in my opinion they demonstrate a pattern of behaviour that should be take more seriously.

When I have made reports to police, I feel like I’m treated like I’m blowing things out of proportion and that nothing can (or rather will) be done.

So, what’s the best course of action? How/when will intimidating behaviour ever be seen for what it really is (power and control) and when will men be told not to do this?

Or should we continue to be small to protect ourselves in the name of self preservation?

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FindTheTruth · 30/05/2021 07:38

some good ideas DPotter

DPotter · 29/05/2021 23:58

I vaguely remember a piece of advice about support someone who is being racially abused - don't know if this would help with a man intimidating a woman. Basically the advice was - if you see someone being racially abused, go up to them and pretend you're friends, saying Hi, how are you, How the wife / kids etc. Ignore the abuser completely - no eye contact, don't talk to them, just really focused on the victim - sorry don't like that word, but it's late.

Never tried this but I can see the logic behind it.

Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 22:30

@JediGnot I don’t usually mind a man bun on on a 50 something year old, it’s a bit tragic.

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JediGnot · 29/05/2021 22:22

@Nilbog

Ha ha *@Pengwyn*

I now have a new face to think of on the punchbag tomorrow, the twunt with the big car and a man bun Hmm

The man bun is a good enough reason alone to put his face on the punchbag
DdraigGoch · 29/05/2021 21:39

Third party witnesses help. "Get lost you pervert!" in a raised voice so that other people turn around and look. Even if that wasn't actually what they were doing.

Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 21:38

It is unsettling DPotter and often frightening too.

When we stand our ground we are often at risk of harm and when we walk away, we have no recourse.

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DPotter · 29/05/2021 21:23

This is a very good question and I would love to know the answers - as I'm sure there's more than 1.

I'm small (5ft) and like so many other women I've had men try to use their size to intimidate me.

Sometimes I stand my ground, other times I walk away (usually with the man still shouting at me). Either way it's very unsettling

Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 21:17

Ha ha @Pengwyn

I now have a new face to think of on the punchbag tomorrow, the twunt with the big car and a man bun Hmm

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 21:11

It’s as if nobody thinks it’s important enough Librariesmakeshhhhappen

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Pengwyn · 29/05/2021 21:10

@Nilbog

I struggle to stay quiet Pengwyn

I don’t say “how dare you shout at me” but that’s what I’m thinking. I may also think about acid baths...

Grin

I don't blame you!

I'm a short, not very large older woman but when my hackles are up I think I identify as a very large rugby prop...

Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 21:09

I take your point newnorthener

Perhaps I expect too much from people. In my world I want people to regulate their behaviour without it needing to be law. And as Librariesmakeshhhhappen says, how are the existing laws enforced?

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 21:06

I struggle to stay quiet Pengwyn

I don’t say “how dare you shout at me” but that’s what I’m thinking. I may also think about acid baths...

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Pengwyn · 29/05/2021 20:45

@Nilbog

I like your style Pengwyn I react and then the man has to outdo me so things escalate quickly.

I’ve experienced similar behaviours a number of times so it makes me feel like I’m a trouble maker but I’m fed of blaming myself when some dickhead raises his voice at me.

The point about the guy in the car in the situation you described, it sounds like he was keen to point out your reaction but did he stop to consider his own behaviour?

Exactly right about the man in the car. I think it hit him that he was calling me out for overreacting by... Overreacting... he looked like he felt a right tit when I gestured at the situation he'd created on the junction.

It's not easy to keep calm, I'm not saying I can always do it by any means!!

In the fence situation I knew he was a nasty bully cause he shouts at kids playing innocently and in the car situation I was safe in my locked car!

Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:42

I’ve been disappointed with the responses I’ve had from the police thelegohooverer telling me to make sure I lock my doors was not the best advice I’ve ever received.

I agree that some behaviour is so entrenched that we barely notice that it’s unacceptable.

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:38

I like your style Pengwyn I react and then the man has to outdo me so things escalate quickly.

I’ve experienced similar behaviours a number of times so it makes me feel like I’m a trouble maker but I’m fed of blaming myself when some dickhead raises his voice at me.

The point about the guy in the car in the situation you described, it sounds like he was keen to point out your reaction but did he stop to consider his own behaviour?

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:25

growupbeans I haven’t seen the film but I can understand the frustration and feeling like there is little recourse so taking matters in to their own hands instead.

When I clocked the number plate today, he just did the same. Perhaps he wants to use it to report me for not moving out of his way when he was blocking my right of way.

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:17

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences lamaperwinkle

I’ve had enough of men exerting their power and control over me.

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:14

I am safe findthetruth thank you for checking. I’m still scared because the man knows where I live but I don’t want to live in fear (I’m just having violent thoughts towards him instead).

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Original poster
Nilbog · 29/05/2021 20:11

leafstamp I find when I refuse to back down the man’s behaviour escalates.

The particular incident today was a man didn’t like me not reversing. So he became verbally aggressive.

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Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 29/05/2021 19:45

@newnortherner111

But it's not just about creating the laws. It's about making the police actually listen to women and act.

How many times do we hear a woman has been injured/killed and it comes out that she went to the police repeatedly about harassment from the killer, which is a crime, and the police did nothing. We only hear about those because someone ended up dead. Imagine how much it actually happens and we just never find out. The police ignore complaints of harassment from women. Its illegal... but nothing happens.

thelegohooverer · 29/05/2021 19:33

I think there is value in reporting these things to the police. There isn’t going to be a effective response but the more often that people report things like this, the more it comes to be recognised as a problem.

It reminds me of the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill case and how people didn’t seem to grasp that just because sexual harassment is rife it didn’t make it acceptable.

The more we point these things out the more they come to be recognised as wrong.

newnortherner111 · 29/05/2021 19:00

Campaign for some changes in the law to make some things illegal is one thing.

Pengwyn · 29/05/2021 18:49

My next door neighbour came over to rant about something to do with a fence.

He literally stood over me, arching his chest and shoulders over into my space.

My adrenaline was thumping but I managed to appear totally calm and nonchalant while pointing out he was in the wrong.

He stood over me the whole conversation until he realised I would not back down and slunk off to Google the matter. I said, 'you do that...'

Never heard from him again.

I wouldn't expect everyone to be able to do this, I found it tough even though I knew he was a basic bully and I have no real history of being physically or emotionally abused.

Another man stopped his car in the middle of the road at a junction to get out and tell me off for beeping at him when he almost crashed in to me as he made an illegal manoeuvre. He lectured me about overreacting (I did to be fair). I think he wanted me to wind down my window but I just gestured to his car in the middle of the road while I was blocked on the junction. He gave up when he realised I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and slunk back to his car.

So I deal with it by stubbornly standing my ground.

But obviously I know that's not an option for everyone, and not always an option for me.

Thelnebriati · 29/05/2021 18:43

IMO the best thing to do is treat each incident as a unique case, and use your best judgement. Use whatever strategy you feel is best to get through the incident, and then decide whether to report or not.
If its part of a pattern of abuse by the same person, keep an incident diary.

GrownUpBeans · 29/05/2021 18:36

With driving, I try to make it clear I or my passenger have clocked their numberplate. Seems to help. No other interaction, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Though I did love the scene in Promising Young Woman where she gets out of the car holding a metal bar and trashes a badly behaved driver's car. Ill advised in real life obviously but cathartic on screen!

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