Guardian article on the cult of the perfect mother

Yes, re attachment parenting. I can remember being told repeatedly (by HCPs, extended family and the awful 'natural parenting' magazine I was given a sub to as a present in the early days) that everything had to be on demand and schedules were really bad, which made me absolutely terrified to try and have any routine at all. I was thoroughly miserable, loathing every second, had severe PND from all this pressure and was googling 'putting baby up for adoption' as I plainly wasn't up to the job, when I happened to see a book called 'how to enjoy the first year', bought it, discovered it described a routine like it wasn't absolutely the worst thing you could ever do. And that's what turned everything round, our days took on a rhythm that meant we could all be happy and I actually did start enjoying my baby.

The pressure didn't stop - I'd get comments about using a playpen, or the pram rather than the sling, and the bullying for combi-feeding rather than EBF was awful, but I became more confident and was better able to ignore it.

As a ‘maternally ambivalent, good enough mother,’ I really enjoyed this. Thank you.

But a lot of it makes the most sense when you are talking about very small infants, the 4th trimester. Once they begin to get a bit older, I think it's less in line with kids real needs and development, it doesn't give many options to manage problems, and it is really hard on the parents.

I do think there is a huge shift culturally to respecting your child’s autonomy and encouraging them to talk about their emotions etc. Obviously that is necessary but it does require a lot more effort, care and input than the parents I remember of the 80’s who said things like “do as I say not as I do” or who plonked you in front of the tv for hours, or let you play out until sunset, walk home alone, or just kind of didn’t see you much except at meal times. I grew up surrounded by this, it was very free and most families I knew were all the same.

The perfect family has evolved, and so has the role.

I dont feel guilty about motherhood, I feel bitterly resentful.

I was sold this story of beauty and boundless love, an unbreakable bond between mother and child, something indescribably special and unique. And maybe it was, when they were small, sometimes.

But now I have opinionated teens, I've given up a pension pot and career prospects, and for what? To be blamed for everything and yet be expected to serve and fix the family's problems with no questions asked? To be squeezed in the middle of childcare responsibilities and ageing parental care responsibilities?

No, I'm not feeling guilty, I'm resentful and angry. Why is it all on my shoulders?

Thanks for sharing. I agrees with most of it. It’s interesting though because I think there is pressure from all sides on women to be both the perfect mother but also not let motherhood change them - eg pressure to breastfeed your baby yes, but also to “get your life back” as soon as possible which isn’t really compatible with breastfeeding. Same with bed sharing - I have coslept with both of mine for ease and actually felt like more of an outlier there. People were shocked that I hadn’t sleep trained because it must be so awful for my DH!

Also don’t see what’s wrong with the bamboo bowls - better environmentally than plastic surely?

Something that I think is also relevant but wasn't mentioned (maybe it'll be in the book) is the societal 'uncoolness' of mothers. A good example is how often you see surprise and dismissal of women on mumsnet when we talk about politics, feminism and complex issues.
It's very much shoving mothers into 'just a bunch of mums' category and then dismissing any real issues mothers raise because we are 'just a bunch of mums'.
I've become so aware of that in recent years. I've bought the book. I'll be very interested to see if that comes up.

I feel the same way
Thank you for articulating it so well

But there were plenty of real life success stories all around me and the endless revisiting and retelling of birth stories at coffee meetups - accompanied by so much cake, which made me fatter than pregnancy had! - was awful for my mental health ... (although I didn't realise that, unfortunately) . At some point I had to take a conscious decision to just stop bloody talking about it....

I yearned to talk about sth interesting but anything not mundane seemed taboo.

@QuentinBunbury

Actually bloody birth plans have a lot to answer for because they make you feel you have some control. Then things don't go to plan so you feel like you've failed. It might be better to call it "statement of wishes" or similar. A guide that can show what your preferences are if you are too busy birthing to talk, but isn't a plan and can change in response to events. I really would love to meet the woman who wrote "I want an epidural, episiotomy and ventouse please" in her birth plan

I agree that the emphasis is very much on a 'natural' birth, though.

This really resonated when I read it this morning. I encountered so much pressure to have a 'natural' birth (from midwives as well as others), breastfeed, do attachment parenting, co-sleep etc. I was made to feel awful if I didn't do all this I'd be failing my child etc. And it made me so miserable.

It turned out that following my instincts saved my baby's life (my milk didn't come in and she urgently needed formula), having a routine, her sleeping in a separate crib and her own room from six months made for a much happier time for all of us. I felt so much better once I'd increased in confidence and was able to parent my way instead of the way others were trying to force me into.

@SmokedDuck - Im with you about the loss of independance of our kids. My daughter in her 30s now, I think was one of the last children who got to play out in the street unsupervised from about age 7. We were within call but not monitoring every move. Ive wondered about the economic imperative too. Great for women who wanted it (and were able to), to get career choices, maybe not so good in other ways. But women in past generations would have sometimes given their back teeth to get into the work place - my ex mother in law was really bitter about this.

I think that the femisist questions around motherhood and the competative aspect are not necessarily from the same source.

I think it's absolutely true that parenthood is less relaxed. Some of this sees to be related to liability culture, and fears and lack of reasonable risk assessment, weird perfectionism about things like diet, an idea that if you do things the right way, everything will be fine, and if they aren't fine you must have done something wrong. All stuff that's not confined to parenting.

I have wondered if some things are related to kids being in care so much. Parents won't let their kids do things that used to be normal, like walk to school or play in the park, even when objectively it's just as safe. They figure the school or nursery has to keep eyes on the kids 100% of the time, and so parenting is seen as the same. There isn't much relief from constantly watching the kids.

Af far as feminism, motherhood is totally the unanswered question, and I suspect is part of the reason why many women lost interest in it as a movement. It seemed, apart from some niche writers, to totally get behind the capitalist drive to put all women in the workplace and monetise childcare. And more recently to not only push to give similar parental leaves for fathers to give families more support and optins, but calls to mandate that the parents must share the leave time because of an idea that women must not give up careers or jobs more often than men, in order to try and get rid of statistical disparities.

Women who weren't keen were given short shrift by feminists in many cases, and so their thoughts and insights were lost as they simply stopped being involved. But it's not been a great look to have so much come down on the side of the question that is better for capital, and also in many instances is a boost to class power for the professional classes but really not so much for working class or even lower middle class people.

Ah ok, I get you. Yes I agree. I really hope the government bring in paid use it or lose it paternity leave for fathers at some point as that would really help. Although I'd make it so they could only use it when the mother was working so as to make the dads actually do the childcare

No, not what I mean at all.

I mean the government and public services caring about women in general and mothers in particular, not just relying on individual men actually changing.