Feminist pregnancy

For me, I love my job and I love my role in life and maybe I will love being a mum more than that. But I would like the option of being able to keep the balance open - which it sounds like some people have managed.

It is perfectly possible to do OP, but you need support so do reach out to family and friends if you can too. I firmly buy into "it takes a village". I wouldn't have been able to manage without the support of Mum friends I've made through classes and school, my family are far away. You can't do it all and some things will have to give so go easy on yourself. It's worth preparing for breastfeeding to be a time when baby is very much dependent on you if that's what you are planning to do. I think the biggest shock for me was that in my mind this was going to be truly 50/50 and in reality it doesn't work like that in the first six months to a year when baby needs you so much.

Even something as seemingly innocuous as artificially breaking waters or a sweep can end up in a cascade of interventions.

My birth plan was essentially leave me the fuck alone. I had an incredibly positive birth this time and honestly would do it again tomorrow.

Re pain free birth, you do whatever is best for you. But I agree with Sexnotgender... My Recovery from my birth with just gas and air was so much quicker than where I had epidural that ended in forceps.

A good article here summarising the state of play regarding contemporary attitudes to motherhood, concluding with the wise thought that, 'Motherhood is feminism's unfinished business.'

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end?fbclid=IwAR1i1RmhVJH9hHGmf7r9vTDvV_jIDoBgWXHhR1cVb0pntoI-5Jw9AJF4xIA

I've been thinking about this recently, as I'm currently pregnant for the second time. I've found I had to cut quite a few people out of my life, honestly, when they couldn't respect that I didn't want to take on the whole mental workload of parenting. There is so much pressure to do it all, it takes quite a strong belief to continually fight against it. My nct group wouldn't let my partner and I share responsibility, for example, insisting "the women do the organising" and so we left. I also realised that some women find the idea of dads being involved quite personally offensive, for whatever reason (normally when their own partners are a bit useless, imo), and would try and exclude my partner at parenting groups. We now both work 4 days a week, and I still shunt organisational duties to him regularly to even things out. I am dreading maternity leave though, as it's far harder not to take all the responsibility when the other person is working.

I’m sure lots of other mums feel the way you do, just try talking about it.
I had an open mind towards epidurals, and a lot of people I knew were very anti-pain med in the discussion of my labour. I remembered watching the “Childbirth” episode of ‘Sex, Explained’ on Netflix and one of the people on there talked about how women are generally expected to suffer giving birth. That definitely made me think.

I ended up getting an epidural and I’m so glad I did. I think I was quite lucky because it made me numb but not too numb and I didn’t need any assistance.

Should have said my most recent birth was just using gas and air and the recovery has been incredibly quick compared to my shit show of an instrumental delivery.

Look at Milli Hill’s books.

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and found her books very helpful.

It should mean equal effort/time/respect, whilst recognising that particularly around birth and early infancy there are some tasks that only women can do.

Very well said!

It's worth remembering that "equal" doesn't mean sharing every task 50/50. It should mean equal effort/time/respect, whilst recognising that particularly around birth and early infancy there are some tasks that only women can do. Birth and birth recovery itself being the obvious one, and then breastfeeding being another.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end

If you haven't already seen this it might be of interest, although it is in the Guardian.

Personally I think the best thing any of us can do as parents is get the right balance between prioritising our children's needs whilst taking care of our own and smashing the capitalist patriarchy. Not easy, but both parents working less than full time helps, if you can.

Give birth like a feminist by Milli hill
What mother Do by Naomi stadlen
Ourselves as mother's by Shelia Kitzinger
Birth Map by Catherine Bell

In terms of books, you could have a look at "Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue" by Christia Spears Brown, which is about pushing back against sex-based stereotypes.

I'm sure it's not that way for all but just to say how you feel when the baby arrives may be completely different to what you expect

Exactly!

Best just try to be open to the whole experience, and take it from there.....whilst having some basic agreements in place with your partner.

Watching with interest about any feminist parenting books / groups etc.

I think the experience that I and all my female friends have had is that as soon as you have a baby even the most "equal" couple end up in a homemaker/breadwinner situation - sometimes even when both the man and woman are working.

Suddenly all the domestic load will fall to you. So that's what you need to watch out for. Don't let it happen. Push back. Make sure he's taking your DC to appointments, filling out forms, researching schools etc.

As a starting point I highly recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I feel like if you go into this with your eyes open you have a better chance of winning the fight.

Also be aware that a lot of women (myself included) intensely hate their husbands for the first few months after having a baby.

Hi OP, sharing my experience of this in case it helps...

DH and I have a 13 month old DS. Similar to you, we'd talked about equally sharing childcare. The reality was quite different, especially in the early days, which took me by surprise. For example...

My body needed considerable time to heal. For a while it therefore made more sense for DP to do certain things (changing sheets, putting out bins, shopping, driving).

It took me ages to establish breastfeeding properly and I was never very good at expressing. This meant I did all the feeding. Not sure if this is typical, but for DS, filling a nappy and going to sleep also revolved around feeding. I therefore did 90% off all this care as well.

DS had some problems with low birth weight and subsequent lack of weight gain. Due to Covid, only one parent was allowed to medical appointments and as I was breastfeeding, that was me. I therefore took on all of this as well.

To begin with, basically I looked after the baby and DH looked after me and the house. This was not what we'd (perhaps naively) planned, but it was what worked in practice.

As DS has got older, things have and continue to even out. Me and DH are both back at work (both full time but from home, both jobs equally respected within our family unit). We still both play to our strengths in terms of the care we do (DH is better at playing, I'm better at bedtime routine), but I'd say overall it's a fairly equitable split.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it isn't 50/50 to begin with, don't be down hearted because you can even it up later on if you make a concerted effort to do so.

I think I know what you mean. I was also really irked by all the mummy shit I saw around me while pregnant, the lack of focus on Dad's roles etc. I have a good career and was definite mine wouldn't suffer any more than my husbands. I was very certain that I would be 50:50 with husband with everything with our kids. In some ways we are, we both work 4 days and each stay home with them one day a week etc. But, when they were born it was like some primal beast took me over....i didn't WANT him to do night feeds (breastfed bottle refusers anyway), I had no issue with him going out etc because I wanted to sit and snuggle them and smell their little heads etc, still now when they're toddlers if they're hurt I want to be the one they seek for comfort. I found strength rather than oppression in the new role. I'm sure it's not that way for all but just to say how you feel when the baby arrives may be completely different to what you expect.

Not only do you not win any prizes, you often don't get any choice in the matter. I had two very medical births, when I wanted and had planned for home births both times, both utterly unavoidable.

I have always wondered why a pain medication free labour is something to strive for, you don’t win any prizes for it

I can only speak for myself, but I had three 'natural' births at home, and really appreciated that fact. the experience was intense, but powerful and inspiring, some women quite like the idea of that kind of experience if at all possible. As soon as you get into hospital you get processed.

Ok, that makes more sense!

Pregnancy, birth and newly becoming a mother can be a vulnerable time, and it is also a time when patriarchal ideals are heavily pushed and presented as the norm. You don't have to comply.

The problem with shared parental leave is that is is impractical and unworkable for many couples. It is also patriarchal in its design, which is that the woman has to give up part of her maternity leave to facilitate the (male) partner taking leave. It should be paternity leave that is extended to give men longer paid time off that doesn't require women to relinquish their leave.

Oops - my first mistake - I meant patriarchal ideals! As in, ideals of how I should be as a female, as a mother. Which is the exact opposite of what I wrote! Sorry

Motherhood, and the images surrounding, it are pretty primal. There is no escaping this fact no matter how much we intellectualise it.

I'd say try to relax and not impose too many conditions on yourself; try to go with what feels right, best, most comfortable for you.

If at all possible, try to enjoy the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. It can be a very primary and powerful experience; and one that is unique to women.

Obviously i'm speaking from my own experience. I had my children young and before i'd stared a career. I appreciate, though, for many that a career and establishment in life comes before children, though......and this has to be negotiated.

I have always wondered why a pain medication free labour is something to strive for, you don’t win any prizes for it!

Oh cross post, patriarchy, that was the word I was looking for, brain not working today!