Can you be a true feminist if you...?

Yes, because you can see the bigger picture and understand that you are one 'case'

I don’t have many qualifications or much earning power, not because I’m lazy and never worked. I’ve always worked.

But I have a history of abuse and substance abuse going back to my early teens, I was homeless and pregnant by 21. I have bipolar which has led to periods of unemployment and job losses.

I hate posts like this because they assume everyone has the same chance to go to university and into a career.

I’m in my 40s now and have a high earning husband. I work 48-60 hours a week in hospitality management but I don’t earn much over minimum wage for that (£24k with no paid overtime). I am doing an apprenticeship which will eventually give me a degree level qualification but I’ll be 45 by then.

We live in the SE so if DH buggered off I’d be fucked, half the equity in the house wouldn’t get me a studio flat and my DC are adults so no top up benefits.

It’s not for want of hard work or aspiration, I’ve never been out of work while I’ve been stable/well.

It’s very unfeminist and tone deaf of you to assume that low earning women are happy to live off a man.

[quote Dontknowowt]@LemonRoses So following that logic, men make better fathers?

I can tell you where the legal system sits with this. I have shared 50/50 care of my two children since they were 3 and 5. I was still bf'ing my toddler btw. Their view is both parents are equal when it comes to raising children.[/quote]
Yes indeed I believe men make better father’s! I’d absolutely concur that both parents are equal. That is surely what feminism means - a strong belief that men and women are equal? My personal perspective is, like most things, equal does not mean the same.

I love my children the same, but differently. My husband and I are equal parents, but different; we have different roles, different strengths, different weaknesses.

I'd consider a housewife who volunteers for a DV charity more of a feminist than an arse kicking businesswoman who seemingly has no interest in helping other women (met a fair few of these in the legal sector who seemed to think female trainees had to make the same sacrifices as they did and choose between job and family).

Whether or not you have got a job has nothing to do with being a feminist.

Feminists are people who campaign for women’s rights.

It has nothing to do with everyone doing exactly the same thing.

'Same age' not 'same sure'.

I don't know the answer but I recently saw a chart from a study which showed that couples of the same sure were much more likely to stay together.

But the father in the OP would've likely had no choice as men generally can't marry a rich partner like women can.

I am always deeply struck by stories from hospice workers who almost universally relay that at the very end people do not care to remember their accolades or successes in their work, but the special and meaningful people (especially family) in their lives.

I read an article ages ago where they asked people (may have been terminally ill, can't reminder) their biggest regret, and the most common one was spending too much of their life at work.

I sometimes wonder whether we have all been tricked into overvaluing being wage slaves. I'm not sure that buying into status or self-worth derived from patriarchal standards of 'working outside the home = worthy and working inside it = not' is all that healthy or even feminist.

I am always deeply struck by stories from hospice workers who almost universally relay that at the very end people do not care to remember their accolades or successes in their work, but the special and meaningful people (especially family) in their lives.

I think as many men would be equally happy to marry rich and not work! The problem is there are vastly more rich men than rich women (more rich mediocre men than rich women). Until we can fix the systems and biases that lead to this, I think it’s inevitable that young women look for a (seemingly) easy option - it’s swimming with the tide instead of against it.

Interesting question. My DC are now mid teens. I've been a single parent sine they were babies (twins). Met now DH when they were 6. Moved in together when they were 9. Dated no one else in that time. I was primary carer and full time employee. At one point, after paying child care and mortgage, I had less money than if I'd been on benefits. I didn't stop working though because I consider state support to be only marginally more reliable than relying on a partner.
Yes, I DO think relying on a partner is a very vulnerable position to put yourself in because it ISN'T valued by society. However, do I think it's unfeminist? No. I think society has the perspective problem, not the individual woman who's made that choice.
Children are labour intensive. Especially in their early years. SOMEBODY has to look after them. Who would be a more natural choice than the parent who gestated and brought them into the world? How have we reached a point where a role as essential to the continuation of society as growing crops for food is so undervalued? It's because capitalism and patriarchy combine to devalue it. If child care was considered in GDP and separated NRPs had to pay half of any professional child care costs incurred by the RP I think we'd see it valued very differently.
So you could argue that women who marry to give up work and have children are actually just valuing themselves as they should! That's surely quite a feminist stance! It's a precarious one though precisely because in general society doesn't agree.
Giving up work without children in the mix though? Less so. I think that's potentially foolish and possibly quite selfish although there will always be individual couples where it's a mutual decision that is in both parties best interests.

I'm not sure about separations, don't some father's kind of wash their hands as it were? DH certainly has friends who consider raising the child mum's job whilst they get to be fun Sunday dad's. DH not like that at all, but he's a very rare breed.

Ideally I would like all jobs to allow much more time at home and for family whether they have kids or not.
I'm pretty sure most jobs could be condensed into a productive 3-4 day week, but things seem to just go the other way sadly.

I also echo what others have said that mothering isn't valued enough.

I can only speak for our situation. DH like the other men on our course, got snapped up early and climbed the ladder. Myself and my female peers landed jobs slowly after that, so I am a good 2 years behind to begin with.
Both myself and my husband then moved abroad to work. My husband got his old job back when he moved back. Part of that is he's wonderful at his job, but I think being a male in a very female field where males are prized helps.
By the time we moved back I was 5+ years behind him in progression, which has further widened by promotion etc. We've accepted I'll never be the breadwinner, but his job always felt more 'secure' anyway. It's hard to separate what's sex, personality and talent in regard to that, as we both have good points and bad like all professionals.
I don't consider myself less a feminist because he earns more than me. We both understand the system needs changing but there's not much we can do about it as individuals.

What's a true feminist OP?

Night

[quote Dontknowowt]@LemonRoses I disagree that women make better parents than men just because they are women. Surely that's sexist?![/quote]
Did I say women make better parents? No, I said women make better mothers !