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Original poster

Surrogacy ends in abortion and ends a friendship

114 replies

OhHolyJesus · 08/05/2021 10:19

This is an 'altruistic' surrogacy story between two friends in New Zealand.

A woman offers herself for the pregnancy for her friend called Jane for the purposes of the article (who had a very traumatic pregnancy and labour with her daughter and she was told a second pregnancy would keep her in hospital for months at best).

"Jane's friend piped up with the offer of a lifetime. "Out of the blue, she said, 'I'd make a good surrogate because when I had my pregnancy, I didn't really feel it,'" recalls Jane. "She said she'd talk to her husband and get back to me." Not long after, they began the process of surrogacy."

All seemed to go well with separate legal and medical advice but he surrogate mother struggled and her and her husband were clearly traumatised:

"When the Weekly approached the surrogate couple to share their side of the story, they asked to remain anonymous. The surrogate's husband said, "We entered into the agreement with a genuine desire to help. Unfortunately, things did not go to plan and she became very sick with prenatal depression. This is probably a more complicated story than it appears on the surface. Jane and John do not really know the whole situation."

(So not every pregnancy is the same, even if you have had easy pregnancies in the past, perhaps the depression was connected to a sense of inevitable grief?)

"Today, the couples are no longer in contact and Jane still doesn't know why their baby was terminated. "On reflection, it started to go downhill while prepping for the embryo transfer, but John and I didn't see it," she says. "The surrogate didn't like the process at the fertility clinic or the one choice of counsellor we had. I think she felt like she was let down."

Their baby.

To me, Jane appears to believe she has rights to force her friend to continue with the pregnancy.

""It was our biological baby and Jenny's biological sibling. I could've explained how it was going to affect the rest of our lives. Even though everyone has walked away from this and even though it's painful, I'll talk about it. I never expected I'd have to worry about someone terminating our baby. It never crossed my mind."

The article mentions that law reform is being discussed, or rather looking to be enforced:

"Labour MP Tāmati Coffey, who, with his partner Tim Smith, welcomed their son Tūtānekai by surrogate in 2019, currently has a members' bill in ballot calling for modern laws for modern families. It includes reform of birth certificates, providing a way
to enforce surrogacy arrangements and creating a register of potential surrogates."

www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/kiwi-mums-heartbreak-after-surrogate-terminates-her-pregnancy-i-went-into-shock/52Y6PO5M4LV73RGZF67TX5E4LU/

OP posts:
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FannyCann · 08/05/2021 14:17

Yes it is very telling dyslek
I hadn't really thought of that before either.

dyslek · 08/05/2021 14:14

'the surrogate can either terminate or keep the baby as she wishes'

What a difference a word makes. Reading that phrase with the word 'surrogate' replaced with 'Woman' makes me realise why the other side is so desperate to erase the word woman.

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2021 14:01

Fascinating and shocking thread. Thank you know particular for posting the NordicModelNow surrogacy article.

InvisibleDragon · 08/05/2021 13:56

And she does know why the termination happened - because her friend decided that was the right course of action for her mental and physical health.

Precisely. It's so common to hear "I don't understand why this happens" when what someone means is more like "You told me your reasons and I've decided that they are invalid."

FannyCann · 08/05/2021 13:14

Having a surrogate prefix?? Confused That should read having a surrogate baby!

FannyCann · 08/05/2021 13:13

"Under New Zealand law, there are no legal protections for parents having a baby by surrogate or for the surrogate herself. The surrogate is considered the legal parent and the biological parents must adopt the child after birth to make the relationship legal. This means that under NZ law, the surrogate can either terminate or keep the baby as she wishes. It also means that the biological parents can change their minds and abandon the surrogate with the baby.
Given the lack of protections for either party, some legal experts say our laws are "not fit for purpose". Labour MP Tāmati Coffey, who, with his partner Tim Smith, welcomed their son Tūtānekai by surrogate in 2019, currently has a members' bill in ballot calling for modern laws for modern families. It includes reform of birth certificates, providing a way
to enforce surrogacy arrangements and creating a register of potential surrogates."

They talk about enforceable contracts, which are indeed the case in the commercial USA. Whatever happened to "her body, her choice" which proponents of surrogacy often trot out as a reason why women cannot/should not be prevented from having a surrogate prefix they wish. And yet they would force a woman who realises this is a mistake early in the pregnancy to carry in and complete the deal? And if the commissioning parents change their minds and abandon the baby (as happens from time to time with several well documented cases I have seen) ?Well it would obviously be a terrible outcome but it's probably better that other arrangements are made for the baby than that it is sent home with reluctant parents who don't want it and won't love it.

Original poster
OhHolyJesus · 08/05/2021 11:46

It was at this moment that the friend offered to be a surrogate...
While going through a "big life event" for which she needed support from her siblings to get through

Good point Squishy

I'm guessing it was a loss in her family (not a divorce or having her husband leave etc as he was still with her and involved).

She was at a fragile state when she made the offer of the surrogacy, something her friend seized upon. Who does that? To a friend?

The article says things moved quickly along after her husband agreed to it, something he might have been convinced was a good thing for his wife given what had recently happened, whatever it was, he might have seen it as a positive thing for her to concentrate on.

I am not sure what type of counselling or assessment goes on with surrogacy in New Zealand, but the surrogate mother could have been very convincing, maybe even convincing herself, or the focus of those involved in signing this off, could be (as I think it is in the U.K.) whether the surrogate mother is capable of giving the baby up at the end and relinquishing her parental rights.

Having read Unexpected Mother (where the CPs split up during the second surrogate pregnancy) the surrogate mother didn't come across as being properly assessed or counselling anything beyond the surface agreement. This was a US commercial surrogacy though not directly comparable but still, who knows what kind of assessment goes on and what it is based on.

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SquishySquirmy · 08/05/2021 11:29

Sad for all involved.
This statement though stood out as significant:

"Shortly after I got the letter, I was sitting down with a friend who was dealing with a big life event and she said her siblings were what got her through it," says Jane. "I told her I'd just found out I couldn't carry again and how we'd wanted two kids."

It was at this moment that the friend offered to be a surrogate...
While going through a "big life event" for which she needed support from her siblings to get through. Understandable that she was very affected by her friends plight, and her sadness at her daughter being an only child. However did noone consider she may be emotionally vulnerable or fragile at the time? Because that raises red flags for me. Do counsellors not explore a surrogates motivations? Especially if the surrogate has recently gone through a big life event? Or are the counsellors there just to rubber stamp things for the clinic? Shocking really, you would think that if the mental and physical wellbeing of the surrogate mother was a priority, these issues would be explored in depth before any agreement is made.

FannyCann · 08/05/2021 10:45

Gosh what a terrible story @OhHolyJesus

Unfortunately as soon as an embryo is created people think of it as their baby, and that sense of ownership takes off as soon as it is implanted, the surrogate mother, even when a close friend or relative is soon reduced to the status of incubator. I have read so many cases where that sort of dynamic occurs, I would think it is pretty much the norm.

It doesn't sound like the counsellor and legal advisor did a very comprehensive job.

I wonder if the depression might also have been linked to the hormones. Women who have conceived without difficulty and had trouble free pregnancies may well be surprised to discover that a surrogate pregnancy involves the full ivf treatment and they have to subject their bodies to medical procedures and drug regimes they hadn't imagined. By then, especially in an arrangement between friends, they are likely to feel they cannot back out due to the emotional and financial investment of their friends.

This is exactly what happened in this case, albeit the woman carried the twins to term as she had not felt able to back out when the red flags appeared and the friendship still broke down anyway.

nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/29/i-was-an-altruistic-surrogate-and-am-now-against-all-surrogacy/

Surrogacy ends in abortion and ends a friendship
WarriorN · 08/05/2021 10:44

That's horrific

Dervel · 08/05/2021 10:42

I really do have every sympathy for all concerned here. However it really brings into sharp relief for me why we must never allow ourselves to minimise the humanity of women. I am against commercial surrogacy, and I am on the fence when it’s altruistic (although stories like this do give me pause).

I hope all concerned find peace.

Original poster
OhHolyJesus · 08/05/2021 10:42

Exactly Assassinated, I don't imagine that this woman believes she had any kind of ownership over her friend's body before the pregnancy, but once her and her husband's genetic material where inside her she believes she did.

It's an interesting example to me as it comes from NZ where surrogacy reform looks like it's following our current model (and it is being driven by someone with a vested interest) and it is often that I see people saying they think surrogacy between friends or family members is ok.

I does work out fine in those circumstances for some, but not all, as this news story shows.

A whole friendship lost, presumably a close one too.

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AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2021 10:28

And she does know why the termination happened - because her friend decided that was the right course of action for her mental and physical health. The details are someone else's private medical information.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2021 10:25

I'm astonished that the possibility of a termination hadn't ever crossed her mind. All kinds of complications can happen during a pregnancy that might mean a termination is needed. You can't force a woman to continue a pregnancy against the best interests of her physical or mental health. No matter how sad that might be.

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