Regardless of the specific circumstances finding it hard to walk away from a relationship that used to be good is a fairly universal experience, no?
It’s pretty much the same for women married to serial adulterers, women married to alcoholics, women married to gamblers that lose the family home on a horse etc.
The heterosexual men who traditionally trans in midlife (although the phenomenon seems to be increasingly present in younger men too) are addicted to the idea of themselves as women. Like other addicts their behaviours escalate, sometimes the addiction trajectory is interrupted by periods of time ‘on the wagon’ followed by relapse. This is exhausting for the people who love them, especially partners, some of whom end up emulating the addicts behaviours themselves.
I’m not a transwidow, but I am the ex wife of an alcoholic. I still love the man he was before the addiction took hold of him, but I have made peace with the idea that the man I loved has gone forever, and the man he is now is not a man I would’ve chosen to enter a relationship with.
if you met your partner as he is now, would you enter a relationship with him? Would you date him, move in with him, marry him, plan a future life with the person you see in front of you today?
From your post I’m going to assume your answer is ‘Fuck no, I wouldn’t even give him my real phone number’.
Where does your compulsion to Fix the Unfixable Man stem from? Most women have it to a certain extent (female socialisation!) but some of us have it more than others, to the point it becomes a self harming behaviour.
It’s often a manifestation of what we witnessed growing up, habitually reinforced in our social interactions until we believe it be natural.
if you can find the roots of YOUR feelings and behaviours with a counsellor (NOT a couples counsellor!) you will likely find it much easier to let this man go.
He doesn’t want you to save him, he’s likely utterly enchanted with the ‘woman’ he believes himself to be, so for you to ‘save him’ would be to destroy his dream.
He’s far more likely to be resentful towards you than thankful.
Competing with the Other Woman is never good for our own emotional wellbeing, even if we ‘win’ the ‘prize’ (a cheating man) has become too poisonous to keep hold of for long.
When the ‘Other Woman’ is your man’s own fantasy self, what sort of prize would you get even if you ‘won’?
I recommend you start a thread over on the relationships board because sometimes you just need to hear a bunch of women saying ‘LTB’ (‘Leave the Bastard’) to make what you already know inside your own head and feel inside your own heart real enough to act on.
Think of who you were when you first met him - if Current You could talk to Old You, what would you tell her?