Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

I would tell her to leave know what I know now lol Ultimately, I know my Mom wants me to leave but won't say it, she needs it to be my decision. I just don't like that she wants me to stick it out because we are comfortable financially where she never was.

Gah, my apologies, i knew that. Prob typing so fast! So many thoughts coming out lol!

This is so sad. What would you tell your daughter to do in your shoes?

@TinselAngel no. But then fear locks me right where I am standing. The list of fears is long it's sad. I am just sad to put my kiddos through divorce :( Worried i am not making the right decision for them since DD isn't THAT bad. Like he doesn't mentally abuse me (well i don't think so anyway even tho the whole thing feels like a full mind fuck sometimes), he's not doing things online (that I know of anyway), he doesn't spend gobs of money (but does spend some). DD says it is just small part of the many things that make him up. He is an excellent provider and we have built a life. IDK, I want this so bad but when I go to do it, he talks me out of it and I end up feeling so sad and that it is not the right decision. It like I lost trust in my ability to make a decision :(

Hello! Reaching out after 18 years with my AGP. Can you even believe that, almost 20 years! Found this group almost on accident and began to cry as I read through the posts. Never have I seen a page dedicated to us wives and girlfriends! My point in reaching out is that after many years of being together I just don't think I can do it anymore. Long story short. We met in 2005. He told me almost immediately. Considered it a kink and moved on with our lives. I have always been open minded in the bed too...but had no idea lol Over the years, DD has always had a bad attitude, was inflexible, had practically no sex life (and when it happened it was so bad) for the first 10 years. Would dress up on the weekend when our then roommate, his brother, was not around. Then in about 2016 I told him that I wanted him to go to the dr for his IBS. I told him that maybe not being his true self was contributing to the gut issues. It was at that time that we went on a not so fun journey with him almost transitioning (after saying forever he never would) as his dysphoria was raging. He did all the things you read about here; push the goal posts, dress up but not want to do the womanly things, lie to me, hide clothing and items from me, emanate me. Told me once he was considering hormones and breasts. Keep in mind I never told a soul during the first tens years (did tell mom and sisters eventually). The process was soo stressful. I ultimately got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, very likely triggered by the long term stress of being in this relationship. I told him it was dressing up or the marriage. So of course, he denied everything from that point. Said he would stop it all blah blah blah I even asked him to throw it all way once and he looked me right in my eyes and said NO. During those years I also began having an affair (wanting my my body naturally craves and searching for a way to meet MY unmet needs and wanting to see arousal because of me not because of them thinking about themselves). Nothing seriously emotional, but good God it felt so good to have a man be aroused by me not because he wants to be me. I eventually confessed. He forgave me since he had "wronged" me too and we were even. Well course he forgave me for the transgression, considering I am his only tether to a life he wants the world to think he is living. I have since stopped (altho I am so tempted to not end things) but dd's never ending games haven't. Just Sunday he asked if he could wear a sports bra around the house. He is wearing more and more casual woman looking athleisure daily and I know my daughters will soon start to recognize something is going on. Not that I would mind ultimately being honest with them, but if it is what he says it is, just crossdressing, then why do even need to tell them anything at all. Anyway, I know in my heart of hearts even though I do love him and he is my friend and children's father and an excellent provider ( I also work tho) that a dissolution will be very sad and hard on my entire family. Anyway, I want to do but never seem to get the courage to follow though. How do do this?????? He says he would never transition but why do I struggle with that being his truth? I hate putting limits or yeses or nos on what anther human can do to be happy but dang, what am I supposed to do?!?! Thanks for reading. Sincerely, a very very exhausted human being

You are phenomenal, @TinselAngel!

I'll toast you (it's just the right time here in the US). Thank you for all your work on our behalf since the time.

Thanks @socialworker222 .

It’s all been a complete nightmare, quite honestly. However, I have to do what’s right and see my son, so I can see my grandchildren. They aren’t to blame for any of this mess. Best foot forward. Thanks everyone for letting me post, it’s definitely helped me. 🌻🌻🌻

Agree WTF475878237NC. You have very much done the right thing Cholumenosoapy by acknowledging some of the reality of the situation and not trying to get your DiL to stay with your son. My ex in-laws wanted me to stay and never addressed the grief and pain I and my children might be feeling, which I found unforgivable. So I would remain in gentle contact with her and your grandchildren without pressure, and bide your time.

Thank you so much @WTF475878237NC .

The experience of AngeredAndConfused doesn't represent everyone's though. Some DILs would be glad of the mutual "wallowing" maybe not immediately but once the shock has passed it can be a comfort to process what's gone on with someone else so upset by it. You sound like a lovely MIL @Cholumenosoapy I'm so sorry this has happened to your family.

Indeed @TinselAngel . My challenge now is keeping my grandchildren in my life and having to see their father.

I’ve just had a sleepless night mulling everything over. When something like this happens in your family, there’s no manual to refer to. What’s more your shocked state prevents you from thinking clearly. Having said that, I’ve known all along that whatever I’m feeling, it’s far, far worse, for my DIL. I remember saying how much she’s lost in terms of her whole life, what she thought she had, wasn’t real, her wedding day was meaningless, her life plans shattered, her family in shreds, her identity as a woman and wife, all gone because of him. I’ve felt dreadfully guilty that I produced someone who could behave like this. He’s behaved so arrogantly towards her and his birth family.

Thank you for allowing me to post on your thread I’m getting clarity and a deeper understanding.

My heart is in pieces for all you trans widows out there. 💔

There’s a recurring theme on the forums for parents. Many parents say their child is bright and on the autistic spectrum. I’ve read that there is some evidence to show a link between gender dysphoria and autism, and that autistic people may be more likely than other people to have gender dysphoria.

I’m briefly de-lurking to say 2 things.

Firstly that there are many of us here who don’t comment because it’s not our place to but we read the threads, your experiences, and we are all here behind you completely in this.

Secondly to BigL please be really careful if you still have sex with him and he is having penetrative sex with male partners. Syphilis and Gonorrhoea are increasingly common in men who have sex with men and a significant number of those don’t identify as gay men so don’t come forward for testing or consider themselves at risk.

He won’t be thinking of your health in all this so please protect yourself.

Thanks, definitely none taken. It’s very good advice.

No offense @Cholumenosoapy but this shock and sadness is why your DIL won't talk to you.

No matter how hard it is for you, it's 10000% harder for her. Your child's announcement doesn't change your role of "mother" in society's age --it doesn't fundamentally challenge the way your self-identity. Your DIL has had her self-image shattered and likely dealt/is dealing with massive amounts of emotional abuse and turmoil. On top of all that, she needs to rebuild her life, reimagine her future and be strong for 3 little kids. She can't be your support and sounding board on top of that.

I was widowed by death before I ended up in this situation, and I needed to cut ties with my inlaws because I couldnt handle them wallowing when I just needed to push through. I promise, as soon as you talk about your feelings or ask about hers she wants to scream and rum for hhe hills.

Give her space. Build your own support network. Get therapy. Then, when you've really dealt with it (if you do/can) approach her/the grandkids neutrally and not seeking mutual support and commiseration from someone who is likely barely holding herselx together.

It's so important to know you are not on your own💐