Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

TookaBigL:
Yes, I would say that the self-regard was part of the whole transification my spouse underwent when he began thinking he was "a woman in a man's body." Very vain about his legs, in particular. No empathy. And everything was about him. I saw a counselor and when I described his behavior she said he sounded "a bit narcissistic."

It's part and parcel of the same phenomenon, in my experience.

There is absolutely something wrong with my ex. He’s become wildly vain and self-centered, which is so unlike his previous self. I feel like the words “vain” and “self-centered” don’t even begin to describe it. Like when I see him he can’t help but talk about himself and how much he likes himself. He talks about all the changes he’s seeing, his new clothes and how good he looks in them, how much he’s passing (he’s not), how good his voice is (it’s not). It’s ALL he talks about. I really feel like there is something wrong with him, and not just the trans stuff. Like his whole personality is different. He’s just become… awful. Narcissistic.

He’s been intentionally manipulating me and taking advantage of the fact that I still care about him despite all the shit he put me through (he cheated). Like he’ll go out of his way to imply to me that he has or is going to fuck someone (we live in a very LGBT area so he’s had no problem finding dates). Or he’ll intentionally lie and then change his story later. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with him.

Did this happen to any of you? The trans thing was wild enough, but this shift in personality is so much crazier. It feels like he’s suddenly become a narcissist, totally incapable of empathy and obsessed with talking about himself.

@AngeredAndConfused I agree with you 100% It is a living hell trying to cope with this situation as the wife and mother left bringing up the children. My life has been turned upside down.

@Cholumenosoapy I'm in the situation that you describe. I am the wife with the children and fall out. I just wanted to reach out to you as I know there is practically no support for us, the other family members. You are very welcome to pm me if you want to. x

midlove38
If you look at my recent posts about a partner offering himself for transgendered ministry, you might realise just how enmeshed the Church is in LGBTQ reception at the moment. Unless your MIL attends an evangelical church she will have been introduced to the notion of diversity.
Yes, this apparent mystery of leaving her son will ask her to question your relationship. Do not overlook the fact that quite often others notice strange dress patterns and behaviours. Maybe she isn't as unaware as you think.
The lawyer is a smart move. He will apprise you of the recent No Fault divorce. Have you considered a counsellor, too, as another neutral space? Just being away from home will help focus your thoughts.

I’m the mother of a man who claims he has gender dysphoria. He has three children and his wife has told him to leave. He’s in the process of doing just that.

I have really struggled with the whole damn situation. Your MIL will be devastated, shocked and bewildered about what’s happening. It’s akin to a bereavement, where did my boy child go? Why is he doing this to his wife and family? Give her time @midlove38, for the shock to pass but rest assured she will know in her heart why you have to leave. 💐

I really struggle w dh's mother. I love her dearly but she's a very conservative Christian who vocally opposes anything lgbtq. I just don't know how to deal w her. I know she's his problem so to speak. But our relationship is very special and it kills me that she won't know why, for sure I'm ending things. I made an appt w a lawyer for next week. Typed up the letter. Taking small steps. I leave for a work trip in a few weeks and during that time my kids will be w my mom. I was thinking of leaving him a letter since he'll be home by himself for a few days to cool off.

@WalkedAway Wow, well if this wasn't the realist shit I have heard. Refreshing. Honestly, I couldn't tell from my position if my situation was abusive or not. I always figured abuse would be obvious. Only when I am away from him to I feel the weight lift. I guess that should have been a sign. I grew up with a lot of uncertainty and I guess w dh, he was a beast I knew. But I am really seeing the cycles now. Your theory about children def resonates. I typed my letter out. I am a very strong woman who wants and can do this. I get closer w every round of the bs.

@socialworker222 known to an unknown. Truth here. Yes, this is a reality i know. If i stay, I know what the rest of life will look like. I have finally started seeing what good could come versus the bad. Thank you for sheading light on that aspect.

...you leave for the children , how true. Sometimes that is the best route to a peaceful and stable home. My adult daughter thanked me recently for leaving her father. She has met someone whose mother stayed in the same situation and that home is unhappy and turbulent and financially unstable and the child doesn't go home much because of it. So don't worry about generalisations about the right thing to do; there are no rules. For me the self-absorption and putting of self before children, along with a raft of broken agreements and boundaries (there is no problem with couples agreeing reasonable behaviour in many areas by the way), made my decision easy. Interesting that you say you don't want this for your future. It's very difficult to compare a known to an unknown. But you do have to accept this will continue and probably escalate as seems to have started, and how you will have a worthwhile and happy life yourself alongside that.

My ex also decided not to "transition," after being gung-ho about it at first. They don't go ahead with it because they are cowards. Instead of having the courage to "live their truth," my ex set up a set of circumstances in the home that he said was a compromise that could satisfy us both. That was guilt inducing, and a way to manipulate me into accepting his acting out in the house. It sounds to me as if your spouse is doing something similar.
The thing is, the reason you are having such a difficult time leaving is that you have been immersed in this manipulative situation for years, and it has had its effect of undermining your resolve and your confidence in your own decisions. Instead of asking, "why am I unable to do this [leave]?" a self-undermining move that is the product of the years of being subjected to his undermining you.

As for the children, I read something that reframed the whole situation for me, and that is, "You don't stay for the children; you leave for the children." You leave to remove them from a situation in which their mother is actively and subtly undermined. You leave to remove them from a situation in which their father is abusing the family with his behavior. You leave to demonstrate to them that this is what a person who values herself does. You model strength, of resolve and of character. You leave because to do so allows you to live your values. The last thing you want to do is to model for your daughters the kind of self-undermining that you have learned to do to yourself while in this marriage.

No one can convince you to leave. You have to come to it on your own time. For me it took learning about the behavioral patterns of narcissists, reading the profile of autogynephilia, with its characteristic expression of wounded narcissism when challenged, and understanding how a closeted life warps the personality of those who live in the closet, leading to pathological compartmentalization, a lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement.

Don't give up on yourself. You can get there. Because you have had to be strong to withstand what you have, you have the strength in you to act on your own and your children's behalf.

It's not.

You are just on the brink and gravity is holding your feet to the ground.

Think of it like skiing or diving. No one's brain really wants to let them go head first.

You just have to overcome the physical inertia your brain is signaling your body and.....let go.

@Hepwo I do and I keep trying all these healing processes just to make sure it is not him. Nothing works. But I think I have always known. I just ignore it. I am so sad for our daughters too. They are non the wiser and enjoy a very simple happy life. But they don't get the best version of what I could be. Ugh, i get so caught up in all of the what ifs versus focusing on what i need. Why is it so hard for me to do what is best for me, instead of everyone else :(

I hate to think of him in that light since I do not hate him, but I simply do not think I can heal in the environment that made me sick.

Remember this.

@Hepwo thanks for the encouragement. I wrote out the letter. Haven't typed it out though. I think what is hard in my situation is that he's not doing some of the abhorrent behaviors that would be a HELL NO from me. But the need to express himself in amore feminine way around the home def in our bedroom still make me uncomfortable. So although he's not transitioning and promises me he won't, his behaviors aren't sending that same message and that is enough for me to look outside my four walls for what is missing, sadly.

Of course you can see. It's just a big feeling doing it. As big a feeling as going into a marriage.

I remember the moment I printed the divorce forms and signed them clearer than getting married.

But once step one is taken it's easier. You have already mentally left it's just friction keeping you in place, a little push like writing the letter and printing it, feel the big feeling, and it's done and on to the arrangements for your freedom to live the rest of your life away from this mess.

Just take that step forward.

Well only a few days after my post and I am already weakening. Things like the following cross my mind: Isn't every marriage full of ups and downs, isn't it always something anyway; mine is not as bad as the others, if I could just somehow accept this side we could all live happily after after..I mean I should be used to it by now (18 years later), he says if i leave he'll never change his ways anyway (as in not transitioning but def being a proud- at home- cross dresser). Then I will get flashes of all the bits of drama over the years and he'll say but yes, weren't there so many good ones too?? Was it all that bad?? I think I want to avoid all of the ugly feelings that will surly come along with all of this. I KNOW this is what needs to happen. How can I forget all of the years I have been trying to leave. How can I have wanted to leave all of these years and then can't do it when the rubber meets the road. Am I really in it that deep that i cannot see through he trees??

The real trick is not whether he knows you're serious; it's that you know that you are serious.

Good luck, and strength to you. Life is very much better on the the other side.

@WalkedAway I am going to do it this time. This will be my 5th attempt at ending things since 2018. I think this time he will know I am serious. I have given it my all this last year ( a year of rebuilding trust after what I did to him....what I did lol) and watched the same cycle yet again (the full stopping of everything, the slow starting, the escalation, the asking for permission, the need for time alone, needing fem in bed to enjoy himself, being defensive towards me because he self conscious and afraid to lose me to love bombing when I call him out, ect). You should see all of the things I have done to "heal" my hashimotos. Literally removed every toxic thing.....except one...hmmmm. I hate to think of him in that light since I do not hate him, but I simply do not think I can heal in the environment that made me sick. This is such a wonderful page. Even the one fb group I was in really tried to be supportive of both sides, but lost a lot of members as the group was supporting the really bad ones. I have to leave on a work trip for a week in a few weeks while the children will be w their gma (so dh can have some time alone) that same week. i was thinking of leaving him a letter. Give him sometime to cool off. He is just so very possessive of me that I do get a little scared. I mean, i don't think he'd do anything to harm me, I just know he is emotional about us. I do feel bad. His family would likely disown him and my family is his family. The women, at least, knew and accepted him; ugh just another rationalization to stay. Ugh, I do not look forward to all of the emotions. I wish I could just pack it up and move lol

Omg just seen the CPS bile.

Jesus fucking Christ

Any other situation, trying to reach a joint decision over significant purchases is the norm. Man who want tits? Crack on cos if your wife says no it's abuse.

What fucking planet.

I have insufficient words for how fucked up and disgraceful that official line is.

I've just seen that, there must be some way we can challenge it.

My experience was his endless demands for money that would have left me short for bills and food, repeated demands that I take out loans for him, and him stealing our belongings to sell them. I guess from his POV, I was 'financially abusive'.
Is the partner or mother of a coke addict financially abusive when she refuses money for drugs?

CPS want to make it that refusing 'money for transition' is a sign of domestic abuse. This is hideous.
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/domestic-abuse

In my case, the rationalizing was due to a number of factors: the length of our marriage (32 years at his trans bomb drop; I left after 35 years), worry about our son (I didn't want him to go through the mental anguish I did), worry about money (could I make it on my own?), not wanting to spend my elderly years without backup (I was 64 when I left), fear of life on my own even though I am an independent person with my own job, my own retirement, my own interests, and, above all, a foolish hope that maybe, just maybe, he would come to his senses. I really, really, really, didn't want to have to leave my marriage. I wanted it to be the marriage I thought it could be, if only...

I think above all I was afraid to face the crushing fact that he loved his secret life and his "woman persona" and his fetish more than he did me. I provided him safety and security, as well as managing his household, and he didn't want to let that go, but I realized that I was hoping and rationalizing my life away for a person who didn't love me for myself, only for my use to him, and who would never change.

Once I could see and admit all those things, I was more able to face my fears. I was also able to stop making excuses for him and start seeing that his words were never matched by his actions.

I don't know what it will take for you. One thing that helped me was distance--actual physical distance away from him. It was a great help to being able to put my life in perspective while not subject to his distorting force.

@WalkedAway I do keep his secret. My sisters, mothers and boss know. They take their que's from me. If I am ok they are and vice versa. Except for my boss. He wants me to leave. Crazy how hard hard it is to walk away from familiarity, even when we know it is bad for us. How do I make the rationalizing stop? I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this.

One reason you are so hesitant is that you have been mindfucked but good, for many years, and will be, as long as you are in his orbit. The whole situation is rife with mental abuse, especially if you are keeping his secret. Just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean you aren't being abused! You've been conditioned by this abuse over many years, and that's the reason you are rationalizing (he makes good money, he doesn't spend TOO much, etc., etc.). Meanwhile, you body is screaming at you to get out: that autoimmune disease is not the only physical manifestation you can expect if you stay. He has exactly the situation he wants, and surely you know by know he's not going to do anything to make it better for you.

Tinsel is right: how do you want to spend the rest of your life? In this maelstrom?