Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

He's campaigning for himself. There is such self-centredness in all this. My ex now declares a keen interest in 'feminism' having done nothing to help that cause previously ( for him women wear skirts and bake and that seems to be it ).
southern the divorce part is awful, but I hope you feels it's progress however little you wanted it.

@SouthernTW, I hope you'll start to feel better soon. I think you'll likely have a long healing journey ahead, but you're starting on that now.

@talkingdeadscot, ditto on the sad thought that you may be at the very beginning of the same "stunning and brave" road that so many of us have been on. Or just a more typical road towards divorce, because if he no longer respects you and is calling you a bigot, etc., that's possibly the beginning of the end. Do you have a therapist or counselor you can talk to about this situation?

@themiserychick- as we would say in my circles, "And a little child shall lead them." I love that a four-year-old gets it.

Divorce was filed today. Friends keep asking me how I feel. I am not feeling much of anything. Just numb.

@themiserychick seems like your 4 year old is more logical than many adults. Mine has interesting interactions with their dad as well.

@talkingdeadscot it sounds very difficult. From your second post also seems that you have a feeling you are not compatible with him at this vocal TRA stage and that from what you describe it may not be long before you are a TW if you remain married.

Oh, and he campaigns for the removal of sex based rights as per Stonewall.

Yes, I'm gender critical. It's been a bit of a process which kicked off with all the changes happening in Scotland. I discovered that he was fully onboard with TWAW and all that goes with it. I did post on FWR at the time because he was telling me that if I refused an intimate examination by a TW when I'd requested a female then I was basically a racist.

He tells me he doesn't agree with some of the things that are happening and thinks that a lot of it is exaggerated for effect. Basically I'm paranoid. I'm also a bigot, a TERF and people like me will be taken for a man (double mastectomy) so I should be more accepting.

Yes I do think there's more to come out as he likes dressing up and I don't want to be around to see it. I have no respect left for him but I don't have the money to leave and my health is bad. Oh, and he's also decided he's bisexual.

I'm not sure I can stay till he retires but I can't afford to leave yet either.

Blimey scot that's an unusual one. Are you leaving because you are a gender-critical feminist? If so you could post straight onto FWR where people discuss those kinds of disagreements with colleagues/friends/family members. I imagine if your reason for leaving him are known, you're facing accusations of transphobia. So you are likely to find other people with similar impacts on their relationships there rather than being hidden in TWEC.

Would it be ok if I joined you all here? I'm not sure if it's appropriate but I can't see anywhere else it would be better to post.

I'm not a trans widow but I am leaving my DH because he's a TRA (unbeknown to me when we married). Does that count? I just need somewhere for a bit of support as I feel like I'm going out of my mind right now.

Something a bit lighthearted which happened last night that I wanted to share. My 4 year old son goes to preschool, and we were asking him about his day at dinner. We were asking him who he played with, and some girls names were mentioned. He said "I don't like playing with the girls." I replied saying that oh, they play different games that you like, but my mum told him that one day when he's older he'll love playing with girls. Him being a slightly literal 4 year old took that as he will turn into a girl when he's older so he can play with girls. "I don't think I'll like to be a girl..." My mum and I assured him that he will always be a boy and that you can't turn into a girl. He was happy with that and the conversation changed to telling him to eat his dinner.

During this conversation I glanced over at his father, and he was doing his best to ignore the conversation, but I could tell that he didn't like it. He's not out to anyone but me, so he doesn't challenge any of these types of conversation due to fear of being found out. It always gives me a bit of satisfaction when he has to assure our child that he's a man, even if he thinks that he isn't.

Thanks for the info Quinn, I will look into it.

An acquaintance of mine who is a Buddhist priest has left her priesthood and school of Buddhism because it won't unblinkingly accept trans ideology. So she and her husband have flounced and are now stuck with a very expensive to run ex hotel they bought and opened as a Buddhist temple. Neither of them are trans or as far as I know have trans family members. Why would you throw it all away on an issue that is nothing to do with you?

@Oldermum156, this is the Christian group I mentioned. In my experience, they don't care about your religion at all. The group I attended did open with a Christian prayer, which I just didn't participate in.

www.divorcecare.org/findagroup

Good morning guys.
I do live in America, not the UK. There is just no where similar for me to talk here so I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

I think it may be far worse here, at least in some areas. I am Jewish, not Christian, but in both Christian and Jewish faiths all moderate to liberal denominations here the practice is to fall over themselves showing how accepting they are to LGBTQ people, and they do lump them all together. I had been going to a local synagogue for a time until they put a transwoman in charge of the learning course I was attenting. "She" was about 15 years younger than I, very snarky, clearly considered us as a couple very uncool and unhip and ignored me unless I asked a direct question. I stopped attending.
Besides which, my spouse has stated he will only attend denominations that are trans accepting. I myself do not really feel in line otherwise with the extreme strictness of the few that do not accept transness anymore. It's basically Evangelical Christian/Extreme Orthodox Jewry or liberal we we accept anything and everything with no middle ground.
As far as the therapist thing goes, I am pretty sure it is standard practice for the therapists to consider you the bad guy if you don't accept the pronouns etc now. I have had people online accuse me of being abusive to my spouse before (even though he makes all the money, I am disabled, there is no violence, I basically never question him to his face, etc.) simply for having expressed views questioning TRA doctrine online! I don't think there is any way to even go around and ask if there is one you could talk to who doesn't fall in line with the dogma. They would probably think it was some TRA trying to trick them and hang up on you.

The affirmation only model is not only ridiculous, but even dangerous. I fear we now live in the Twilight Zone. I'm sorry you had that experience, @Oldermum156.

I'm grateful my therapist does not specialize in tg issues, but rather trauma. She also doesn't agree with the affirmation model.

Wow, this is where I would be "and here's when I refer to you as my FORMER therapist!"

I am fortunate that I'm working with a therapist who told me to just use whatever pronouns I want. As we're mostly talking about the years when my ex was undisputedly male, it makes things much easier. FYI, he also works with transgender people, and presumably is sensitive to whatever pronouns they want to use, but he's not requiring me to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

It's really a problem when the professionals automatically start validating the transitioning spouse instead of supporting their patient/client. I remember reading a transwidow's book, or perhaps it was a blog, how she accidentally 'misgendered' her spouse and the therapist quickly admonished her and told her that she (the therapist) was not allowed to work in situations where there was abuse present. So her own therapist painted her as the abuser!

@Oldermum156, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure if this is something you might consider, but I found a lot of support in a Christian church-based divorce recovery group. I was dubious at first because I thought they'd have a "stay with your husband no matter what" attitude, but it definitely was not that. It might be worth seeing if a group like that exists nearby. Also, the group support was available for people who were not yet divorced. And an advantage was that there was no cost for attending the support group meetings.

It really is unethical Older. Professional accredited therapists and counsellors are meant to be neutral and not directive.I got lucky and found someone genuinely non-judgemental who helped me deal with the core experience - loss, anger, sadness, reflection, betrayal, my identity and future - without having to judge, correct or re-educate me. I see that as proper skilled psychological work and am sorry that so many women experience poor-quality and frankly unprofessional interventions.

[quote QuinnMovesOn]@Oldermum156, do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Someone to talk to who might help with everything you're dealing with? Also, it's good to see you here again, I'm glad you returned.[/quote]
I don't think therapists exist here who aren't "woke". Last time I was seeing one (for childhood abuse issues) I tried very carefully to breach the subject and was pretty immediately shut down with the therapist making it clear that it was unacceptable to even begin to question trans doctrine. And this was a "feminist" therapist.
Some many years back some psychiatrist tried to jump on some little thing I said to suggest I was transgender (I had only said I wanted a breast reduction, my breasts are very large and make me uncomfortable). I thought it was very odd at the time, but now I see the psychiatric profession is absolutely complicit in pushing this on people.

Yes, repulsed is the perfect word for it. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Stbx is starting to look like a homeless person or POW with the long hair and nearly skeletal frame. (He's dropped over 200 pounds in a year.)
And the fingernails. Ew.