Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

I feel sympathy for her and her loss. But as my ex is celebrated for changing her name and gender, I have the right to redefine myself as well. And I choose to refer to myself as a trans widow.

TinselAngel I think you got an unfair mauling on that thread.

The OP knows something is up and her intuition is telling her something is wrong. But, unfortunately, she is desperate for her marriage to work at the moment. She will make excuses, be kind and forgiving, she will look at ways to compromise her needs to accommodate this fetish.

We have to be kind and gentle with her at the moment, she will need women like us in the future.

Hearing all the lame excuses for this AGPs behaviour is beyond hard and must give all the women on this thread some very bad PTSD, especially as they have all been through it before.

I would suggest we gently give this women space and give no more advice. The only help she wants is to be told that everything is going to be fine and nothing bad is going to happen. She wants reassurance. Its the beginning of a long and difficult road for her, but at least she can acknowledge she is not happy with her husbands compulsion.

Personally I wouldn't feel 'more in control' by going shopping and helping AGP ex pick his underwear. I'd just feel like it was yet another way of being dragged into his fantasy.
If the sex becomes all about what he wants, you end up feeling invisible or used. Thats not a relationship.

Good approach Southern; letting the kids lead gets easier and more effective as they get older. You may always be demonized for turning them against him if they make choices that your ex finds unpalatable, but it is very empowering for them. I always let mine know that they could make decisions, change their minds, and not make the same decision as each other, so that this was very individual and flexible and they never felt pressured by anyone else.

@SeasideM- my kids still don't know. But I intend to let them lead and if they don't want him there, he won't be going. Already they see him very little and don't want him invited to many activities.

Sounds like a compromise that works for you Quinn.

Both my teens have had therapy now; despite the notion that this is all fine, and it's no big deal (my ex's view very strongly particularly in the current climate and knowing their friends' tendency to be left-wing and tolerant), neither found it in any way straightforward, and both find it very distressing to this day. They have expressed a range of hard-to-hear emotions, such as him not caring about them, being selfish, having lied to everyone and them throughout their lives, and not liking him in his new 'mode'. It is hard enough as a spouse, but I cannot imagine a parent doing this and expecting children and teens to happily go along for the ride.

@SeasideM, my children were older, so not the same situation. But they've done therapy to help them through this.

@Social, I still have to deal with my ex or at least people talking about my ex in professional situations. In those, I refer to my ex with female pronouns. When talking about the time we were married, I use male pronouns. Because whatever my ex is now, I was married to a man, and no one gets to rewrite my history.

Ah Tinsel, hats-wise we have been through a painful jaunty beret period, and a large-brimmed variety. We have now moved on to miniskirts 12 months of the year. Oh and the leather-look leggings. I swear the man never wears anything my middle-aged female friends would wear, and of course must spend a fortune and lots of time on preening.
Jesting aside, Seaside I too was asked whether I surely shouldn't use 'she' by a friend, who noted I use 'he' all the time. I just explain that 1) I reserve the right to use whatever term I like just as he reserves the right to call himself something made-up, and 2) I only knew him as him. This differs from those of you who still have/have to have contact with your exs; I don't and I dealt with and divorced a man, called a man, dressed like a man, and don't know or want to know the new made-up person. But I tend to quite frankly put people in their place on the issue of pronouns when this is so intensely personal. Another friend noted that while everyone feels obliged to use 'correct' pronouns, transwidows are no less special than their partners in terms of choice on this.
My kids were paranoid that their father would turn up 'dressed up' at events, as was I, but he didn't. I don't know how I would have dealt with it or helped them, although the political climate is such that many teens are radically 'woke' and wouldn't mock or laugh. Mine were more paranoid that peers would criticize them for not seeing him/being transphobic (this happened 0 times). I think mine would have banned him from events like that or refused to go themselves. Those who have managed the small-town/same circles/child-related events can probably help more with this. I know I was very lucky that mine asked to go no-contact very quickly so we didn't have to tolerate this much.

For those where the children are school age and the father is still in the same town: what has been your experience with dad attending school functions and/or have you had to have any special talks with the children to help them through peers seeing what is happening?

I was so struck it took me a bit. But yes I did finally ask to please not do that in front of me. It was just so shocking at this person knows I am not ok with the situation nor how I’ve been treated. She really really does not get it. I kinda see how people that are caught up in being kind and all that and no real idea of the realities can not get it but when you know someone personally…like really? Just getting used to none of it making any sense.

My kids are preteens and incredibly observant and bright.

Hats and knee boots- good Lord. I can't even.

Welcome @EmeraldCaterpillar

Things stagnant here. Met up with a friend recently that called STBX by the new name and it was like I was body slammed. One of the few real life friends that know and was just so shocked and hurt. They know how unhappy and hurt I am.

He’s still self absorbed and still present. Did mention that he needs to look for work at some point and agreed. Cannot forget all the hurtful things said to me and he acts like the only issue is his new found self. I don’t feel I should have to get into and go over the things that really severed all feelings I had. I feel like the point is to make me doubt myself and just go along. It feels manipulative but I don’t even know how to tell anymore.

@SouthernTW oh I hear you. Dearly wish I knew nothing of this.

Kids do notice the detail. Mine realized ex was 'wearing women's jeans as they had embroidery on', and that one of the first things was 'terrible eyebrows' which they found disturbing. I can't remember how old your children are Southern but they will be taking in all the changes. Mercifully I seem to be the only person who encountered the hat-and-knee-boots phase, and the ongoing mini-skirt-in-all-weathers phase. I try to see it for what it is (ridiculous, unconvincing, clearly very time and money-consuming) but mine found each change upsetting and surreal. Hence the feeling that this was no longer the same person.

So, my children have started noticing certain things. Beyond the ridiculous hair and emaciated weight loss. My son mentioned Dad's very long fingernails and that it was "gross." They aren't painted (at least not around the kids) and I guess we are still going with the not telling the kids yet. We don't talk, only text related to children's schedules. I hate that I feel like I am not being truthful to my children.

Welcome, @EmeraldCaterpillar. I so appreciate from those who are on the back end of this awful experience.

Welcome.Emerald. It's good to hear from someone who left and is relieved by that choice. But noting that the memories and experiences are highly traumatic will resonate with many of us. Its such a huge, isolating and unusual life-changer. I hope you've made a good life for yourself.

Welcome Emerald . I'm not a transwidow, but there's lots of supporters on here

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a long while now and finally I feel strong enough to raise my voice here after reading everyones experiences.

I too am a transwidow to someone who came out as trans shortly after marriage. Thankfully I have been free of this relationship for many years now, however this still affects me greatly.

Like so many on these threads I also experienced gas lighting, abuse, boundaries being broken endlessly, sexual fetishes I wanted nothing to do with, and so on. Even with therapy (general and trauma focused) it still affects me often. I know that healing is an incredibly long journey for some and I am in a better place mentally and in life than I was but it still feels overwhelming sometimes to have these memories.

I have been so grateful to all of you for speaking here, it's harrowing to read all that you are all going through currently or have gone through, but it's helped me feel less alone in this pain.

I am uncertain where I am going with this but I wanted to add my voice here to say there's another woman too who has experienced this.

Just checking in on you all.

The divorce is progressing here. My children still don't know about the transgender thing. Even not knowing, they want to spend less time with their father because he seems uninterested in them or "doesn't like" them. Therapy has been intense lately, especially as I am trying to figure out what my new life can/should/will look like. I wish he would just go away entirely.

The misogyny of this whole idea of TWAW has really been getting to me of late. I would love to go back to the days of ignorant bliss where this issue was barely a blip on my radar.

Things do change Seaside, either through your actions and decisions or theirs. Sometimes people have to sit tight to wait and see, wait for the other person to change or act, or get to a point where they can no longer tolerate this or decide they can, and how they will survive. I hope you're coping okay and that the windows of feeling optimistic get more frequent and last longer, which happened to me.