Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

Why does he get to make connections and new friends and a support system (or is it validation system?) and all I get is a few forums online and major reluctance in telling people IRL because you never know what side of politics/feminism they sit? Just feeling a bit sorry for myself as I discovered he's added several people like him on FB, and has had a group video chat with them. I've only told 1 person who is on my side, 2 others I've talked to (because he came out to them first) who are family members, but I don't know how honest I can be with them.

These forums are amazing, but I still feel so incredibly alone in all this. There's no one I can really just rant to about stuff whenever, the one good friend is great, but she doesn't really do texting or messaging. I'm part of a private FB group, but I'm kind of reluctant to post or comment much. Here is ok, but has restrictions. Ovarit is ok, but there isn't a dedicated safe space.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just another nail in the coffin which is this relationship.

Welcome Stoma. Sorry it feels like your world has imploded. The same happened to women on here and we have survived, or are surviving. It's a terrible shock, very distressing distressing and isolating. It helped me to find someone to talk to (see your GP and self-refer to your local NHS talking therapy service. You can do that online and just get on their books whatever the therapy offer or the wait time). Free helplines are good just to have someone to offload to. There will also be a local NHS crisis number if you Google it.
Focusing on the practicalities helped too. Making sure life ticks over, the basics, and thinking about where your money is and what access he has so that you protect that. A free legal advice session also helped me think about options.
Deciding in the short term what you want to do about him, contact, ground rules, boundaries.
You don't have to do anything more than keep going day to day right now. It will take time to process and make decisions. I'm sorry this has happened to you but, whether you stay with him or leave, taking time to work out what you want and taking some control will really help.
lljkk and Tara gave good practical advice on your first thread. Stick with focusing on your health and sorting practical issues first. Your partner will have to sort himself out and you have a lot on your plate at present with your physical issues. I'm glad your parents are supportive. You're not alone, we're all here.

@QuinnMovesOn I thought it was too but I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. This trans culture where “cis” people are demonised constantly is awful, but it leaves me doubting myself.

I have had a look at the website, I started reading some of the stories but I am feeling very fragile at the moment and it’s making me question things even more - in terms of his behaviour, and while that’s not a bad thing, I don’t have the emotional energy to cope with it right now.

Also, if you haven't been to Tinsel's amazing www.transwidowsvoices.org/ website, you might want to check that out.

That article you linked to is really toxic. Basically saying that we as the wives of men who decide to transition, we don't also matter as human beings? That everything needs to be all about the transitioning person and how we must support them and not burden them with any of our own doubts and fears? Please recognize just how evil and manipulative that is.

This is why these threads are so important, for us to connect and recognize that there is a very common pattern here of married men who transition later in life, that is narcissistic and emotionally abusive.

Hello all. I’ve come from my thread last night after my husband left in the middle of the night telling me that he needed to try living like a woman.

I’m so conflicted about everything. I feel like a victim, I feel slighted and annoyed but then I saw this blog about “trans widows” being offensive www.intomore.com/stop-talking/please-stop-saying-trans-widows/ and I just don’t understand how I’m the bad guy in this? I don’t have anyone to talk to about gender issues and it scares me this is the world we live in now.

Yes we were left without maintenance for a long time due to unemployment and now it's a paltry sum which is often unpaid. We really are left to be the only parent our children can rely on in every way.

@TinselAngel- it's probably comparable. My daughter refers to what her father is doing as his mid-life crisis gone really bad.

@QuinnMovesOn- mine are old enough to leave alone if need be. It's just the sheer number of activities that they have that I am solely responsible for that is a bit daunting. It leaves no time for much of anything else. I am trying to work (nearly full-time), homeschool, drive them to all their things 3-4 times a week per kid, all in the middle of this traumatic time of their father coming out. Somehow sneak in therapy. It's a very precarious stack of cards. But the kids have to come first for me right now.

@FooFooFloofyFoof- I do worry about him sucking up all his funds and not be able to pay the support he agreed to i the divorce. But I also know that he is unlikely to go unemployed because his job provides trans-related "healthcare." He knows what side his bread is buttered on.

Hello,

You hope you don't mind my linking this thread with a poster who might need your support/guidance.

Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/4358088-Is-anyone-awake-My-life-has-fallen-apart

I've deliberately not put the link to this thread on theirs, but said I would post here and given directions to the Fem boards.

Hope that's ok.

BIC

Southern, maybe there are other single moms in your area where you can trade off some baby sitting time? Just to give yourself a real break occasionally?

The money does run out in the end though. They spend and spend and spend on "lady things" to the point of financial ruin. My ex is on a IVA for debt and had to borrow money from PayPal credit to pay the last 2 weeks' pitiful child maintenance to avoid a 20% collection fee. Rarely sees the children and they don't care.

Spot on, @socialworker222. I get the privilege of my children's time and love. And I actually like them as humans a lot so am most grateful that I get the opportunity to be their mother. The ex is missing out in so many ways. There is nothing I would trade for the time I get with them.

I just get grumbly on occasion. I don't have much in the way of help. I'm working on being better about asking for help though. Thank goodness for therapy.

It is grating. I have lone parented for several years while my ex pursues expensive hobbies and endlessly preens his appearance. But you have the trust and respect of your children and get to spend time with them and get to know them. It's bloody hard work and at times lonely but your ex's self-absorption in Project Me is rather sad and ludicrous for a parent to prioritise above their children. When I have moments of resentment, friends remind me that I have my children and he has all his money and clothes and possessions. And most people can see who is the richer. Do you have family or friends you can lean on at all?

We are doing ok. The ex has apparently decided to respect the kids' request of no-contact.

Trying not to be bitter and resentful of the fact that I am literally run ragged parenting and driving these kids all over God's creation while the ex is planning his dermal filler appointments and hanging out at gay/trans bars.

That's so hard for your kids Southern, I am sorry. My ex was astoundingly lazy and useless in his communications with the kids. He appeared to seek out and relish long coming-out meetings and flowery self-absorbed letters to adult peers and family but did not prepare, explain or empathise at any point with his children. I wonder if the point at which late transitioners have to tell their children, they face the real choice, the selfishness, the impact on others, and are cowards. Project Me seems throughout to necessitate avoidance of debate, criticism or the distress of those impacted but the brave stunning narrative doesn't wash with those directly and adversely affected. Brace yourself for being blamed for your kids' feelings and decisions, I am to this day years later. It is convenient denial and avoidance to blame Mum, but most people know the real story. You and those supporting you know this mess is entirely his responsibility. Your focus is now to look after yourself and the kids which you seem to be doing well.

And just huge thanks to all you transwidows. Although this entire experience has been traumatic beyond words, because of you all, I knew I wasn't going to continue in this untenable situation. Your stories have given me courage.

He told the kids. Of course, in such a piss poor way they didn't even understand what he was saying. I finally had to step in and say, "He thinks he's a woman, he's changing his name, and plans to live like one."

They were devastated. Wouldn't ask him any questions or even respond to him about it. As I figured, they want nothing to do with him and no contact.