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Original poster

Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

983 replies

TinselAngel · 04/05/2021 21:25

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

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Original poster
TinselAngel · 01/12/2021 19:53

@WalkedAway

I haven't posted around here for a long time. But Tinsel, I saw your announcement about the filmmaker, and have contacted her.

(As I retired two years ago, I am not in danger of losing my job.)

That's great Star
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WalkedAway · 27/11/2021 02:55

I haven't posted around here for a long time. But Tinsel, I saw your announcement about the filmmaker, and have contacted her.

(As I retired two years ago, I am not in danger of losing my job.)

QuinnMovesOn · 27/11/2021 01:14

@Socialworker222, I would like to think that the filmmaker would do everything she could to maintain anonymity. But I am untenured, I know what would happen to my teaching contract if I was publicly outed as anti-trans. Which I am not... all of my antipathy is towards my ex and other idiot ex-spouses of trans widows.

DuckDuckNo · 26/11/2021 21:51

@Transwitwe

Hi! I am *@transwitwe* from Twitter. The German woman with an autogynephile husband. I don't know if some of you seen my account. I'm ranting there for a while over my husband and his strange behaviour. I just want to say hello. I try to read as much as I can as I find the time. My smallest kid is sick at the moment so I'm a little busy. But I try to read and write some more. I've read my story in German already. Try to translate it for you if someone's interested. Wish you all the best and see you soon! 😊
Willkommen. Smile Please do tell us your story.
socialworker222 · 26/11/2021 18:32

Do her remarks about anonymity reassure you at all?

QuinnMovesOn · 26/11/2021 17:14

I wish I could participate in the documentary, but I just can't risk losing my academia job over this.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 25/11/2021 18:53

This is a really exciting project from a trustworthy woman. Women who post here or who lurk, may wish to get involved.

Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...
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Original poster
TinselAngel · 23/11/2021 12:21

@SouthernTW

The revelations continue around here despite the divorce. Apparently, not only was the ex involved with the hypno sissy porn, he actually wrote a novel about it that has been published. This all occurred long before he ever mentioned the trans issue to me.

Hoping that he will just continue to leave us alone. That is the best case scenario at this point. I just feel so dumb that all of this deception was going on for so long.

It must be nice to have the time to write a secret book when you've got young children mustn't it?

If it's any consolation, I'd put money on it being a really shit novel Thanks

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SouthernTW · 23/11/2021 06:06

The revelations continue around here despite the divorce. Apparently, not only was the ex involved with the hypno sissy porn, he actually wrote a novel about it that has been published. This all occurred long before he ever mentioned the trans issue to me.

Hoping that he will just continue to leave us alone. That is the best case scenario at this point. I just feel so dumb that all of this deception was going on for so long.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 16/11/2021 09:33

[quote Mediocrates]@TinselAngel because it's took for it to get to that point for me to find the strength to tell him it's one or the other.

He's a very all or nothing person - in some ways, transition excluded, it's one of the things I love about him. If he's going to do something, he really does it. Unfortunately the reality of that has been four legal name changes, some reversible surgery, and some irreversible surgery. [/quote]
Great that you've now got firm boundaries. It takes us all a while to get there. It the incremental boundary pushing that you almost don't notice that you have to watch out for though.

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Mediocrates · 16/11/2021 07:57

@TinselAngel because it's took for it to get to that point for me to find the strength to tell him it's one or the other.

He's a very all or nothing person - in some ways, transition excluded, it's one of the things I love about him. If he's going to do something, he really does it. Unfortunately the reality of that has been four legal name changes, some reversible surgery, and some irreversible surgery.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 16/11/2021 07:22

[quote Mediocrates]@QuinnMovesOn I don't know how I survived, or how we're still together. De transition was the last change, and he knows he can have either transition or me, but not both. Will he stick with his choice? Only time will tell. It's been 2 years now, but he'd already had some surgery, and had been living "full time" for a significant period of time (years, not months) I'm having a lot of psychological therapy to process what happened [/quote]
If it's transition or you, how comes he's done it twice before?

This is the first time I've heard of binge and purge involving actual transition.

I remember how utterly debilitating it was, being at the mercy of somebody else's compulsion.

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Thelnebriati · 16/11/2021 00:30

It sounds like he does purge and binge cycles, so if you can protect yourself financially do so as soon as you can.

Mediocrates · 15/11/2021 23:08

@QuinnMovesOn I don't know how I survived, or how we're still together. De transition was the last change, and he knows he can have either transition or me, but not both. Will he stick with his choice? Only time will tell. It's been 2 years now, but he'd already had some surgery, and had been living "full time" for a significant period of time (years, not months) I'm having a lot of psychological therapy to process what happened

QuinnMovesOn · 15/11/2021 23:01

Mediocrates, I can't imagine going through this four times (trans and detrans) with your spouse. Once was almost more than I could bear.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 15/11/2021 22:47

@Mediocrates

This thread has just appeared in active, and I wish I'd known about it sooner!

We're 7 years down the line: two transitions, two de transitions. No idea how our marriage is surviving it. I'll probably loiter a bit before I contribute much, but I'm so glad to have found this.

Have a look at our website too:

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

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Original poster
TinselAngel · 15/11/2021 22:46

I'm glad you've both found us and we'd definitely be interested in hearing more of your stories Thanks

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Mediocrates · 15/11/2021 22:31

This thread has just appeared in active, and I wish I'd known about it sooner!

We're 7 years down the line: two transitions, two de transitions. No idea how our marriage is surviving it. I'll probably loiter a bit before I contribute much, but I'm so glad to have found this.

Transwitwe · 15/11/2021 22:19

Hi! I am @transwitwe from Twitter. The German woman with an autogynephile husband.
I don't know if some of you seen my account.
I'm ranting there for a while over my husband and his strange behaviour.
I just want to say hello. I try to read as much as I can as I find the time. My smallest kid is sick at the moment so I'm a little busy. But I try to read and write some more.
I've read my story in German already. Try to translate it for you if someone's interested.
Wish you all the best and see you soon! 😊

socialworker222 · 09/11/2021 07:01

Good to hear from you Southern and hope that however hard, it's some relief to have made the decision and not have to have him around on a daily basis. Be prepared for bizarre behaviour from in-laws. After initial sympathy mine went entirely fingers-in-ears and pretend nothing happened. I've ended up having to have very clear boundaries and as the kids got older gradually disengage. As you say, you can handle that other stuff but you're not seeing him and living alongside someone entirely self-absorbed. I've concluded it's more upsetting having to do everything with a partner only interested in themselves, than simply having to do it all on your own.

QuinnMovesOn · 08/11/2021 23:40

Southern, glad to hear you're doing okay. I hope the MIL comes around, or not, whatever would work out for the best for you and the kids.

SouthernTW · 08/11/2021 17:47

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, @23madeleine. 78-years-old and your husband engaging in this behavior, it's incredible to me.

That review. Goodness. So "stunning and brave."

Popping in from my side of the world just to say hi and that the kids and I are doing our best to get on with our lives. They've refused to see Dad since the revelation. The counselor one of the children sees has advised me to let the kids set the pace, so I am supporting their decision not to currently have a relationship. Things are getting a bit sticky with my former MIL and being a solo parent is no joke. But at least we don't have to deal with him.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 08/11/2021 12:22

@socialworker222

Blisteringly astute review and observations about how entirely overlooked and erased the partner's experience is. I hope she moves on to a happier life.
People have sometimes felt sorry for me because of how my marriage turned out, but honestly I think their sympathy would probably be best directed towards the women who stay.
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socialworker222 · 07/11/2021 08:18

Blisteringly astute review and observations about how entirely overlooked and erased the partner's experience is. I hope she moves on to a happier life.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 06/11/2021 09:35

the-lies-they-tell.org/2021/11/06/review-of-documentary-girl-like-you/

Sarah Stewart reviews a documentary that (unintentionally) shows what it's like for women who stay.

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