Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

Not an actual trans widow but I did have an ex-bf who was secretly using my clothes and my sex toys to get himself off with. When I found out and confronted him, he asked me for a threesome with a trans woman. He has since transitioned, but I had long since broken up with him before he made it to that.

So sorry if my comment is not welcome here but I just wanted to say it anyways.

For those who deep down know that you will head for divorce....

Please remember that you do not owe your husband an apology, you do not owe him your current thoughts or knowledge of your future plannings.

Keep your cards close to your chest, hire a decent solicitor, get your ducks in a row. He doesn’t need to know you are doing any of this. The less he knows the better.

People like this are usually master manipulators, they will try to keep you on the back-foot by playing to your emotions to buy themselves time and will also likely already be siphoning/hiding finances for themselves.

Inaction is not a neutral act for you now.

Also, I am so sorry, I hope you are able to find happiness and peace with whatever decisions and futures await you.

Mine keeps telling me I am making it all about me when it’s nothing to do with me, it’s happening to him.

I think you have more than grounds to be pissed off. This is an enormous bombshell delivered it seems with no apology or concern for how you may feel. My experience was exactly that and I am to this day staggered that someone could care so little for the impact on those they purport to care for. Unfortunately you will find a lot of people on here who experienced that kind of self-absorption and callousness. I'd suggest you just try to bide your time, find out what he is doing, and take your time to think through what you want to do. You do not have to comment or decide anything.

'it was understandable that I was upset especially as I was hormonal and that he hopes we can have a grown up conversation tonight'

He sounds like a condescending misogynist.

Hi Ellie you are very welcome here. I'm so sorry you just found this out particularly so close to having your baby. (I'm very cross for you, the timing seems appalling, but I'll keep a lid on that). My ex also dropped it on me having himself done months and years of secret research snd networking. It feels terrible and shocking. Do you feel able to hear him out tonight, and find out what he is intending to do? You don't rught now have to take a view or make any decisions. You can hear what he has to say then say you need time to think. He owes you that courtesy at least. We are here for you and many of us have been through this.

Hey hope its if I post here. Last night my partner told me he was trans and I don't know I am so confused and don't understand. We're not married but we have 2 kids together and a 3rd due in May. To start with I honestly thought he was joking but then he wasn't and then I got really mad and I told him he wasn't and then he kept insisting and he said he's always known and then I got mad again and told him he was a liar and everything had been a lie. And then he was like I can't deal with you in this state and said he was leaving and he went to stay with his parents last night. He says he is coming home tonight but he sent me a really patronising voice note and I just don't understand at all. He says that he hopes 'I love him enough to have a respectful conversation' and it was like there were so many things he said that really annoyed me. I knew he was acting really strange recently and he had been spending a lot of time not at home and I thought he was cheating on me and now he says he was at support groups and therapy and this feels so much worse than him cheating. I just don't understand and I feel so confused and I don't know how it will be if he becomes a girl and how that will effect our children and he is their father and I don't understand anything. Like he's not really feminine at all I don't get it and there have been a few times where he's like done drag but I thought it was a bit of a joke and just a bit of fun and quite liked he was confident enough and not actually like serious. I don't get it and I feel like either he's lied all our relationship or he's lieing now and I don't know it just makes no sense

Counselling helped me so much. If you can't afford to pay, it's worth getting referred and onto a waiting list for free therapy as soon as possible. You may never need or want it but you could certainly do with someone to talk to about this.

Lost, please consider finding a therapist for yourself. I also had really good support from a no-cost church-based divorce support group, DivorceCare, even though I'm not religious. DivorceCare is in some cities in UK: www.divorcecare.org/countries/gb

There are a lot of groups in US: www.divorcecare.org/countries/us

Sorry to hear you are so isolated with this Lost. You aren't alone in finding that suggesting professional help, ideally therapy of some sort, ends with the person persuaded transition is the right and only way to proceed. I guess you have to decide whether to watch and wait, and find a way of surviving watching this unfold, or detach yourself from what seems likely to be an imminent car crash. Make sure you also think about yourself in this. Are you able to communicate how you feel to him?

I am blown away by the sexism thrown at transwidows, especially by "some men". Would they be okay if their wife grew a beard and asked to peg him every night? Hell no, and there would be NOBODY judging husband or saying it's the same person they married.

Sorry for not replying sooner. I’m ok, just trying to bury myself in work so I don’t have to think about things. No, I don’t have family or friends to talk to, he hasn’t told anyone about it and to be honest not sure I want their opinions anyway.

I do think he is struggling as well and the problem is there is only one type of help for him. No one seems to care why someone feels like he does and what’s caused it, in my opinion they are treating (if you can call it treatment) the symptoms and not the cause. He was abused as a child which is where I think this stems from but no one asked questions about his past, he had two sessions with a specialist gender therapist then they wanted to put him straight on the drugs and start the transition process. WTH, I don’t understand how any healthcare professional can tell someone it’s ok to to completely mess your life, health and body up without at least some serious in depth years long counselling first. If I went to the doctor and said I don’t want my leg attached anymore, would they amputate it for me? I don’t think so. There is going to be a massive scandal about all this one day but it will be too late for those who’s lives have been ruined. I’m also mad at myself because when he first told me how he felt I encouraged him to seek professional help, thinking that they would treat him like they would treat anyone with some kind of body dysphoria mental illness. I had no idea about all this positive affirmation, mustn’t upset the narrative that surrounds this subject. It’s like a cult, and whilst transitioning may be right for some it’s not necessarily right for everyone but no one seems to want to admit that.

Sorry for ranting, I’ve just been alone in my thoughts of this for so long.

Yes there's a total focus from support organisations on him not you. But I'm hoping you have friends and family who get it, and can privately support you even if everyone has to pretend they agree with the mainstream. I've certainly found lots of people including in my (very woke) workplace who privately don't buy it, think its nonsense, and sympathise greatly with people adversely affected by it. They just can't say it publicly.

There isn’t support, everything is geared towards him, I’m supposed to shut up and put or else I’m labeled as something

@Lost2022, there's support for you here, but please also call your family, call your friends. You're dealing with a very deep betrayal, you need all the support you can get.

I can’t keep going round in circles, every time he tells me what I want to hear and I give in to his excuses, then something else happens. This time it’s worse because we were supposed to be trying for another baby (against my better judgment but I’m scared of my daughter ending up alone in the world and really want her to have a sibling, sounds dumb I know). Have been trying for 6 months with nothing happening, now I know why. I didn’t even want kids in the first place, he was the one insistent on it, I even found text messages to his colleagues saying he will divorce me if I don’t have kids. Now we have a daughter and I feel so bad that she has been bought into this mess. We live in another country so I have no family or friends nearby. I think he’s hoping I don’t come back so he can assume the role of mother

Hey Lost it's definitely not worth you hurting yourself over. I think many of us felt terrible and hopeless at times but there are ways to manage it and get out if you want to. Hideous to feel that way and by the sound of it to have found out that you have been lied to. You're not on your own.

Currently sitting on a wharf deciding whether or not to drive off the end of it after another round of finding pills he’s been secretly taking.

i'm so glad @socialworker222 & @TinselAngel got to meet IRL - it's so important to build these connections IRL isn't it?

Love to you all xxx

I think that's common coping strategy Southern. I could waste such anger and upset on wasted money, indulgent purchases etc which could have been better spent helping my kids. Peace is priceless. So is freedom and independence.

Love that @TinselAngel and @socialworker222 met up! Solidarity and support all the way!

@themiserychick- kudos on rejoining the working world and making steps toward independence. Wishing you much strength in the journey!

Just keeping on my solo parenting journey and working on healing and helping my children to do so as well.

Not that he has told us (I only find out through other way like social media) , but ex is having more surgeries. No idea where the money comes from, but I try not to think about it. The kids and I may not have all the material things, but we have enough and more importantly we have (for the most part) peace.