Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

Sending well wishes and support from my side of the world. I may not comment but am regularly around. I'm so sorry to see the numbers of transwidows keep growing. And it so often is the same tale- porn-fueled and stereotypes and misogyny.

I just want those stuck in the mires of it to know- it can get better. I am more than two years out from disclosure by the ex. He also rapidly "transitioned"(every surgery already completed). My children don't know nor care to as they haven't seen him in more than a year. Life is not perfect, but ever so much easier and better without the strain of the ex in the house.

The guilt and resentment I feel towards myself for not ending things early on is overwhelming some days! Women are so conditioned to support men we put our own safety and well being at risk. I thought I HAD to support him but it’s never sat right with me. It turns out it was my intuition screaming at me. I wish I had of found this space sooner. I had no clue was AGP was until I found this thread and after reading more about it, that’s exactly what he has. Gives me the willies.

@NewTransWidow my ex is still here at my house. I cannot afford to set him up with his own household so it is financially easier on me right now that he's taking up space in my living room. One child who I have been doing all I can to support so they have one parent that pays attention. I can't stand it (I guess I am standing it as I've not tossed him out) and it's been taking a toll emotionally and mentally. In my situation the only thing he has done is change his dress, start taking hormones, and remove hair. It feels insulting that "woman" to him seems to just be a costume. Child cannot say dad or daddy anymore. Constantly corrects anyone who correctly guesses/uses "he" to "she". Child has new friends that ask to come play and I don't know how to explain that they can't and child can go to play at the friends house. It's a mess. As for my friends many don't know. At first I told some but most asked first for which pronouns to use before asking how I was doing. Much more important to cater to a man and his delusions than support a friend.

@Eden888 you mentioned the ick feeling...that's exactly how I would describe it as well. And same where I felt I had to go along or I was a bad and unsupportive person. Lots of work is going into forgiving myself for not running at the first sign something was uncomfortable and for feeling so stuck now.

Hi how do you find living with the ex and how much have they transitioned? Mine is moving very fast with the transition 😳

Long-time lurker in these boards. Just wanted to show my support to all Trans Widows out there. Can't even begin to imagine how traumatic it must be. I have no direct experience of the issues you are dealing with but I stand with you all.

Hi there, I am also from Australia with 6 and 2 year old sons. Still living with my ex though, so not an ideal situation. Sorry that you've had to join.

I’m so grateful and relieved to find this thread. Hello, I’m new here and I’m a trans widow from Canada. I’m very wordy when sharing so I apologize for any overly long posts! I will try not to ramble lol
I am currently with a man who told me a few months ago that he’s confused about his gender. Was not a shock to me at all. We’ve been together 4 years now and early on he told me he enjoyed x dressing. I immediately got the ick and felt uncomfortable, it’s really not my thing. I thought he was joking or hoped he was. He then slowly started to wear lingerie when we’d have sex. He also started using penetrative toys on himself and I felt pressured to participate in anal sex which I had never done before. I felt if I didn’t go along with this I wasn’t being a supportive partner. Also I began to notice he would lose his erection if he wasn’t dressed up vs when he was. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me because everything I read said I was supposed to support him or I was a bigot.
I looked through his phone and laptop and found all kinds of extreme gay & trans porn. He really likes the sissy/twink stuff. I’ve never seen so much porn in my life. He had a whole hard drive full. He then suggested we start filming ourselves and I stupidly went along with it. I was fresh out of a divorce with my ex husband and was still seeking validation that I was desirable. I had seen some other women online making a ton of money doing cam work and my ex husband had just cut me off financially. I had bills to pay so I went along with it and started selling content on adult websites. I had made some money and had a fan base so it was all feeding my validation machine (yes I had a rough childhood with emotionally unavailable parents). I had told a friend about it in a moment of weakness and she betrayed me and told my ex husband what I was doing. He then doxxed me to my family and my bf’s family. I had told my mom about it previously so at least she already knew but my bf’s family has been awful (none of my content involved him crossdressing for context so I got labelled the evil slut who coerced him into it) and his aunt in particular has been stalking me and harassing me for years now. She even called CAS on me and hired a PI to investigate me. I don’t do it anymore and I haven’t for years but she won’t stop harassing me. Tried to involve the police but they won’t do anything.
Rambling now, apologies! All that to say he told me in the summer that he feels like he’s the wrong gender. I immediately looked for support online and everyone said I should support him and that I now had a girlfriend. Like what??? No. That did not sit right with me. He is not feminine in the slightest!!! He works in the trades and drives a big truck. He has poor hygiene (didn’t find out until after we moved in together that he doesn’t brush his teeth and showers maybe once a month if that). I spoke to my therapist who I’ve been seeing for 5 years. She told me her daughter is trans. At first I thought ok she will understand me but then I told her I was concerned this was purely sexual. My reasons were that he has no interest in wearing normal feminine clothing like leggings and a cute top. It’s only overly sexual outfits and lingerie. He’s only able to talk about the sex part of it, when I question him about transitioning he shuts down and refuses to talk. She said oh it’s normal for trans to go to the extreme because they’ve been hiding it. No I’m sorry but that’s not what it is!!! He thinks women are sex objects and is addicted to porn. Otherwise why doesn’t he have any other interest in things I do? Needless to say, I’ve ended my sessions with her.
I am done being coerced into complying with his addictions. I’m not sure what to do now though as we bought a house together and we have a young daughter. I don’t think he will ever fully transition but I want nothing to do with him. I’m so angry that I’ve let it go on this long. I’m angry that I’m now trapped I’m this nightmare. I really hope I can get out and again I’m so grateful for this thread, I already feel so much better that my feelings are validated!!! Thanks for reading, I look forward to sharing more.

Hi, I’m a new trans widow with a 2 year old son. Going through seperation at the moment. From Australia. Anyone else going through it at the moment?

You must be from somewhere near me! They say that here in the southern US.

Thanks good advice although as you say thresholds are continually changing and who knows what the benefits position will be in times to come.

(Not a transwidow, just a supportive observer)

In addition to the risks of you having to provide care for him yourself, it's worth bearing in mind that if he needs residential care at any point then the state may claw back the cost of that as well. I'm not sure what the current thresholds are, as the Government keep making proposals and then walking back on them when there's an outcry from their core support. It's worth looking into that, as that may change the balance of the financial considerations relating to whether you should stay or not.

After rather too many beers at lunchtime he told a mutual friend he tells them he's 65. Unbelievable! Hadn't actually considered the nursing aspect. One or other of us will be dead or infirm at some point in the future. Of course I'm too soft to just let him rot should it come to it which is what he deserves. No doubt he would manipulate younger family members into helping him if necessary.

My almost 79 year old husband has now moved on and disposed of all his female attire and accessories. He has been on line seeking a homosexual relationship. Also he has been trying to get the cash strapped NHS to provide him with pills to prevent him from getting aids. We have not had a sexual relationship in years so am not worried for my own health. He has quickly made 'friends' so at least he's not nearly always at home now. This man has put me through an awful lot in 55 years. I could leave but despite everything financial restraints make me seek to stay in my own home.

I hated my ex for his treatment of our children. It has mellowed over the years as I move into feeling he's an inadequate, pitiably self-centred man who has messed up royally and is largely delusional. Lots of people hate their ex-partners for lots of reasons, usually around their treatment of partners and children, so I'm not sure why transwidows aren't allowed to hate ex-partners for the similar, highly personal and specific reasons as anyone else? Oh yes of course, because he normal rules don't apply to our exs....
And yes Southern, being furious and hating them does take a lot of one's own energy, that most women managing the fallout don't have to spare.

I don't have time to hate my ex. I am too busy being a solo parent to my fatherless, traumatized children.

My ex detests me, does that count? I'm just relieved he's no longer around.