Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

Just wondering if any of you have told your children and if so at what age and what their reactions were? I find myself weighing up the cost of the deception about why things might be frosty at home with how they would process this information if it was handled sensitively...

It is indeed surreal. Down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass, funhouse mirror surreal.

You are absolutely right that keeping stum will compromise relationships. I lived in his closet for eighteen months, during which time I became more and more isolated from friends and family, and felt as if I were walking around under a bell jar. Every interaction with friends, colleagues, and other relatives felt false, because I had to hide the way I felt and not tell them what was going on in my life.

Our isolation works to their advantage, because it closes off avenues through which we might get support for our feelings, response, and gut instincts, and leaves us more vulnerable to their manipulations.

Unfortunately, now that you know, your husband will likely push harder for more time indulging his fantasy, and if our collective experience is any guide, nor will he respect any boundaries you put in place.

You feel the way you do, as if he's a stranger, because he is, not just as he's become, but as you've known him, when he was hiding his secret life.

@Thelnebriati and @WalkedAway

Thank you both for very sensible advice based on your own experiences. I'm taking a strength from hearing from others and am pretty clear that it's only a matter of time until I extricate myself from this totally unexpected surreal position I find myself in. You asked how I found out...through an online order of a woman's wig. I assumed there was a simple explanation and he then told me what it was all really about. I've been through a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions since...not least how me keeping stum is going to make relationships with friends and family really compromised. He's on best behaviour right now but I feel I'm sharing a house with a stranger...

Brook70,
Your reaction sounds a lot like mine in the beginning: worried about him, oriented toward and sympathetic with his position, on board with keeping his secret (aka "not outing him").
Everything in this list does nothing other than continue to enable the status quo in which he benefits and you suffer. Your silence means he never has to experience the consequences for his actions or his cockamamie idea he is "a woman in a man's body." It means he never has to confront his gender dysphoria, only indulge it through fantasy. Your sympathy means that now that you know (did you discover, did he disclose, or did he "accidentally" leave clues?) he will continue to manipulate you into accepting more and more.

He's already begun the manipulative gaslighting by telling you that he loves you regardless of your "gender" because that's what he wants from you. But sex and sexuality are part and parcel of why we love someone. I loved my husband because of the kind of man I thought he was. His maleness was integral to my feelings for him.

I lived with my now-ex for three years after his declaration that he was "a woman in a man's body" and his revelation that he'd been cross-dressing in private (including in my clothing). For about half that time I was trying to accommodate him and decide whether I could stay. It is my experience that "accommodation" was nothing other than a process of self-erasure that opened me up for further manipulation.

I second "The Inebriati", who suggests that your husband is less "'private and self-contained'" than "'secretive and self-centered'". Please listen to your gut and spend your time and effort devising a way out, rather than youtube videos that undermine your own gut feelings.

Hi Brook70
In my case the house was mine, so although we had severe financial insecurity I was able to keep a roof over our heads. That made it possible for me to end the relationship with my ex, who was a secret cross dresser.
Keeping his secret has affected my relationships with people we used to know. They'd ask me why I ended things, I should have had an answer ready because I looked like I was being evasive. He presented himself as a victim, and even after people realised it wasn't true, old friendships didn't recover.
I had to walk away from everything and make a fresh start which included moving house. for me, it was worth it despite the financial hit.

You say your husband is self contained and private; I wonder if he is actually secretive and self centered. Staying with him and keeping silent will come with a price. If you do it, then have your exit strategy (including finances) in place for when your youngest is old enough.

Thought I'd join this thread and hopefully find support and advice having just found out a few weeks ago that my 70 year old husband (partner of 19 years & married for 7) cross dresses privately and on the odd occasion (apparently before we got together 19 years ago) has visited make up places you can apparently go to for a makeover and wardrobe session. The cross dressing is definitely not something I want to be involved with as far as my instinctive preferred natural choice of a husband's behaviour goes (would definitely not have been in this relationship if I'd known about this from the early days but would have been perfectly happy to have continued as a loving, supportive platonic friend). So really struggling to get my head around living in the same house and sharing a bed with a man who thinks he's a women within (he said this goes back to as early as he can remember, at least to aged 4). I'm mid 50s, so younger than my husband.

In trying to understand this all I watched a very moving film on Youtube about a sweet 7 year old Sasha who was born with a boy's body but most definitely felt themselves to be a girl and found myself weeping - so I really recognise the pain from the man's point of view when there are gender dysphoria issues, but I just can't see how I can compromise and carry on in this marriage when I've never had any feelings in my life that I'd want to have a relationship with a woman myself. He says he's definitely not gay and loves me for 'myself' not for my gender. Not sure that's a receipt for healthy rounded fullfilling relationship in my eyes...

He most definitely doesn't want us to part but I think I'm going to have to at some point in there years ahead for my own sanity - truth be told things have felt 'just not quite right' for years. He also doesn't want anyone else to know, especially our two sons aged 14 and 15. He's a very self-contained, private person and I would never want to expose this if he doesn't want that, if only for fear of what he might do and for fear of weakening his good relationship with the boys. I know some women seem to come to terms with having a cross dressing husband (and even thrive in their new found female friend around the house!) but I feel uneasy - not least that he knew this when we got together and never told me. Apparently he did tell his ex-wife before they married who apparently accepted it, but I strongly feel that I don't even want to see him with any women's stuff on at any point whilst I'm his wife. My gut tells me that I want to leave but don't know that is possible currently right now as things would be very difficult financially and impinge massively on the boys. Has anyone experienced living under the same roof under these circumstance, knowing that they do not want their partner to even touch them and having to keep a huge secret from friends and family?

Down with the kids Tinsel 😀

I just came to say I've seen the trailer for this on TikTok, so glad your stories are being put out to a wider audience.

I'm really looking forward to it though it will make distressing feelings resurface. At least its out there for the world to see and understand if they care to.

Amazing news, Tinsel - such brave women!

Don't blame yourself Seaside. Yours and many situations are not straightforward and you tried to make this work as best as possible for now. Very tough with kids and friends. I hope you are looking after yourself and the kids as well as possible. at some point you may get the headspace, or something will happen, which makes you either stay but feel more okay about that, or feel able to consider your future options.

Sorry our exs not existence

Hi and a belated welcome to newcomers. My daughter recently told me she was glad I left her father as she has met someone else with a 'trans' father (what were the chances of that?) whose mother stayed and lives in a loveless miserable household with Dad playing the lead role on need, suicide threats and ongoing self-absorption. It is a home her friend rarely visits and has wrecked her family life. It reminded me that, despite the deliberate fingers-in-ears of the kind of people who harass Tinsel online, most women leave
as much because of the unapologetic, self-centred thoughtless and callous behaviour as the fact that they also don't want to stay with the new incarnation of their former partner. I too, New could not understand why my ex had zero compassion or interest in mine or his children's feelings. It seems to be part of the process, closing in on just yourself and your needs, and it shocked me as much as the 'big announcemen'.
Many of us are left wondering what happened to our existence former apparent humanity, when they took this path and are hence unconvinced by the propaganda that people are just changing their exterior, as they seem to change permanently often for the worse as people. I hope you're okay. Are you relieved in any way to have separated?

Going to have get that book. From the article there were many parts that felt very familiar. Such as the man-child who volunteers to stay at home to keep up the house but never follows through, the obsession with reducing womanhood to a costume, the reinvention of his past, etc. It's eerie how often one the same pattern emerges.

Try not to feel worthless, NewTransWidow, because you aren't. Another persons opinion of you only matters if it is based on objective facts. You didn't do anything wrong trusting and loving your ex partner, and its not your fault he had a hidden side.

Hi again,
struggling mentally. I’m blamed for the seperation by my ex. He doesn’t feel he has don’t anything wrong/hurtful/untoward me or our son. Doesn’t feel like he owes an apology or any accountability. My heart hurts. It’s clear that he doesn’t love me. I’m questioning if he ever did? Does he truly love his son? Is he capable of genuinely loving somebody other than himself? How is he ok to toss me and our son aside to pursue his new life as a woman? He is a husband & a father. Does he not feel any sense of responsibility? I don’t understand how one could be so selfish. I feel so worthless 😭

I'm kind of a trans widow - we split up over 10 years ago now (although we never married and had no children - such a lucky escape!!!) and I just wanted to say from 'the future' that things can slowly get better, especially once you're out of the relationship with these selfish bastards.

Don't let them gaslight you (or your children) or convince you that their feelings are the only ones that matter. I know it's hard and I REALLY wish therapists would actually listen to us and support us better, but meanwhile you're in a good place with many supportive women who, sadly, get it. Keep your heads up and don't let them win.