Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

@Scientistranswidow I've not been there is quite a while but when I was on their forums for a while my impression became it trending to being for helping the straight spouse just "make it work" and less of supporting when the relationship breaks up. Certainly support for the breakups existed but kept feeling too much of push for "make it work anyways" and stopped visiting.

Kristin, the interviewer, goes over Dr Blanchard's main area: the definitions of homosexual vs heterosexual transsexual. The latter is AGP. She leaves right to the end a very, very small nod to the emotional turmoil of the transwidows. In fact they didn't tackle at all the gas-lighting, the taunting and tormenting! So disappointing on a website aimed at the straight partners of marriages which break up due to homo or trans- sexualism. I wrote some comments underneath. Thank you, TinselAngel, for posting this link.

Yes, I'm sorry. I forgot the obvious website for Transwidows. And there will be a film from Vaishnavi Sundar on "Transwidows" to be premiered early next year. She is the writer/producer/director of "Dysphoric - Fleeing womanhood like a house on fire" (about troubled girls and young women, so-called "Transmen").

@Scientistranswidow Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to read up as much as I can about this currently - other people's stories are really helpful. At the end of the day I know I'm not going to be the type of woman who is able to build a 'new' marriage with the same person but knowing her husband feels himself to be a female as many females seem able to do. I have so many gay friends (no transsexual friends I'm aware of) with whom I'm totally comfortable - I just clearly need the clarity of my husband being and feeling himself to be male! Where do I find those accounts you mentioned please?

@Brook70 You are in a very difficult situation. It is very likely that he will keep coming back to cross-dressing and pushing your boundaries because it is a fetish, like the addictive consumption of pornography. The behaviour becomes more and more uncontrolled in private if you are "conspirator" with him. Possibly in public too. Read the awful accounts of Shannon Thrace and Christina Benvenuto. If you have children you will have to consider carefully what financial provision you want for them from your H. Beware that your transsexual H will try to behave "as a sibling" to your children, because he is immature. If you have found your way to this thread, read as much as you want or can bear and pick what is useful to you.
You have my deepest condolescences for the marriage which he just crashed.

@SeasideM thanks for sharing your experience. I could yet be proved wrong but I have faith in my husband that things aren't going to escalate and also that he won't push my boundaries in involving me directly in any of this. Increasingly however, now the shock of discovering he cross dresses has worn off, for me (it's clear from posts here that this isn't the same for all women) it's not something that I can simply compartmentalise on and just resume normal married life. It seems to me I have the choice of keeping the peace and accepting a 'platonic' married life from here on, or I try and leave the marriage and start a new life. I actually feel more confident in preserving a loving friendship with my husband if we didn't keep up the pretence or hope that I'll learn to accept this in my marriage.

@Brook70 in my case I am dealing with an AGP and had zero clue for the 1st 3 years that he had any cross dressing desire. It wasn't until I caught him in my things. Otherwise I have no idea how long I would have been in the dark. I still didn't imagine he'd go further than privately wanting to have his alone time to do this. It kept escalating and kept pushing my boundaries that at the time I didn't have the skill set to make known more clearly and push past the socialization to "be nice and play along with what the man wants". The claims vary depending on who he speaks with. Sometimes he says he had no idea...sometimes he says he knew at five...sometimes he had a name picked out for a decade and that is when it started...sometimes it only started a few years ago. It is all over the map as are all the personality traits of the person I knew the 1st 3 years.

@IcakethereforeIam Thank you!

Perhaps it's just my device but the link in @Scientistranswidow post wasn't working. If you wish to sign the petition (you do) the following should take you to MN page with a link to it. Don't forget to share it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/petitions_noticeboard/4668426-petition-update-the-equality-act-to-make-clear-the-characteristic-sex-is-biological-sex

Hello ladies,
I don't know whether you know about the petition from Sex-Matters.org (Maya Forstater) which is a step in the right direction: "Update the Equality Act to make clear the characteristic “sex” is biological sex" - petition.parliament.uk/petitions/623243.
The Government must exercise its power under s.23 of the Gender Recognition Act to modify the operation of the Equality Act 2010 by specifying the terms sex, male, female, man & woman, in the operation of that law, mean biological sex and not "sex as modified by a Gender Recognition Certificate".
The Equality Act 2010 covers nine separate protected characteristics, including “Sex” & “Gender Reassignment”. This protects people against sex discrimination and discrimination because a person is transgender.

There has been much confusion about how the Equality Act and GRA interact. This has caused uncertainty and conflict for women, transgender people, and service providers. The GRA includes a provision to amend other laws to make it clear whether a GRC changes the definition of sex for that law.
Please sign and forward to anyone who is sympathetic. The long term goal is the repeal of the GRA which introduced and legitimizes this insane idea.

There is a second petition for those with children of school age: "Remove references to 'gender identity' from relationships education guidance": petition.parliament.uk/petitions/618970 This insidious ideology must be removed, and this demand is an important step in schools.
Since 2020 the DfE has published guidance for relationships and sex education. This says "Pupils should be taught the facts and the law about sex, sexuality, sexual health and gender identity in an age-appropriate and inclusive way". Gender identity is a social construct, and not recognised in law.
There's no evidence that we're born with a ‘gender identity’, and we do not believe that schools should be teaching children about this concept. We also believe that teaching school children about gender identity is inconsistent with the Education Act (section 406), which prohibits 'political indoctrination'. The Government should remove all references to 'gender identity' from guidance on relationships and sex education.
Thank you very much for your help.

It occurs to me that when people judge you and say you should stay with your AGP partner, you should ask them if they would expect a man to call himself gay and be penetrated by his wife if SHE decided she were a man? The answer will always be no, because expecting a woman to sacrifice her life and joy for a man is simply sexism and they would never ask for a man to sacrifice themselves this way. I think you need to ask that to every time someone judges you!

@TinselAngel

What does this look like to you and what compromises would it involve you making?

At this point in time I'm still not understanding exactly why my husband feels the need to cross dress: I'm not really sure in my own mind yet if I think this is something you are really born with (I suspect this is the case but haven't had a chance to do a bit of research to learn more) or which develops as a result of an early experience etc... I can also understand how he ended up not telling me about this (not that I think that's right) given his age and the added stigma over this type of thing from the era when he grew up. So handling this sensitively in terms of telling the children (if I decided this was the right thing to do) would involve making sure they were old enough, probably telling them that some people are just born with these urges and that none of it detracts from his love for them. I really can't see a situation where he suddenly demands doing this in front of anyone seeing as he seems to have pretty much kept it as a totally private thing for all these years...but reading these posts I am now pre-warned about the possibility of things escalating. In many ways for me, if he felt able to tell some of our closer friends things would be easier in that they would at least understand me not wanting to hang around in a marriage which didn't reflect my own wiring and needs...

My situation was different as I was only with my cross dressing partner for four years and he was honest with me about it from about six months into our relationship. He begged me not to tell anyone and promised it was just clothes and it didn't make him any less of a man.

I kept his secret for three years, during which time he regularly pushed my boundaries further and further. This was before the transwidows threads began and I wasn't able to find anyone who understood or talk to anyone in real life.

After three years of keeping shtum, he decided he was ready to come out and begin his transition. Without discussing it with me he began telling all his friends and family, and telling them that I was happy with the situation. I went from desperately wanting someone to talk to, to trying to hide it from my friends and family because I still had no idea how I felt about it all. Six months later I finally ended the relationship. Six years on, I still can't imagine ever wanting to be with another man.

I was so glad to eventually find these threads and see that I wasn't alone. Although I've only posted here once, under a different username, I've been lurking for years and it helps.

My advice to anyone who is still in the thick of it - talk to someone. Whether it's here, where so many others have been through similar circumstances, or a close friend or family member. Keeping the secret will only make it harder.

Thanks to all the other ladies who have shared their experiences, you've helped me more than you know.