Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

@TinselAngel , thank you so much for talking to me...it has really helped and to everyone else who has reached out to me.

@TinselAngel yes, I know and it has. I've had terrible moments, I'm just saying that my children are the reason I am still walking through the fire. Like many others who are suffering too.

@TinselAngel My mental health is surprisingly stable considering because of my love for my children. I have to be here for them although there have been very dark days for me. I keep asking him to seek help but not sure if he actually has.

@TinselAngel just to add..I felt very unsupported until quite recently because I couldn't talk to my mum and I needed her more than ever but things in the past few weeks have gradually got better on that front. No-one really understands though unless they are or have been through this I think. Also, it is not something that you really want to talk about...I find most people don't know how to deal with it.

@TinselAngel sorry, I no longer live with him but he doesn't live far from us. Two of my children are quite young and at the moment there is no-one else who can supervise for me, My eldest son I guess could as he is in his twenties but I didn't want to involve him in that way.

@WalkedAway I feel I am being emotionally played and so is my eldest Son who is in his twenties now but we are worried and can't take that chance that he won't carry out harming himself to the extent that he won't come back from it...I do intend to seek legal advice but for the past few months I have been walking through the fire. I am beginning to get stronger I think. Some days are worst than others... thankfully I don't see him every day but I do miss the person I used to think I knew. Its just an impossible place to be.

@womanundone Try to reduce the amount of time he is with the children. He is not "really there" because of his narcissism - it is a drug to him. My Trans H tried to manipulate the children by pretending that he was a "sibling" to them. This is an abdication of responsibility. You can see it, but children may not and it may confuse them. It is another way that he "seeks validation" for his "new identity". He is totally messed up and is a confusing influence. The sooner he gets out of your house and your lives the better.

@SouthernTW Sincere thanks...and yes, I constantly went around and around in my own head asking the same questions...How did I not know? Why am I so stupid...I was supposed to move in with my mum but this has made her very unwell. Luckily, he has moved in with his parents for now. I do see him weekly because he is unstable and I worry if I walk away completely he will harm himself...its very scary and my children will never get over that. I also I was married for 28 years to him...some very happy years and three beautiful children...I'm in complete shock really.

@Scientistranswidow Thank you X

@TinselAngel Thank you. Before I decided to post on here I did feel alone but now I don't feel as bad. Admittedly, it is the early hours that get me and thats where I feel so full of loss and grief the most, the evenings are more bearable. I have briefly looked at a couple of the stories on Transwidowvoices...Yes, I would love to run away from everything I have ever known but in reality, I can't do that because I refuse to hurt my children any more than they are already hurting. They do see their dad and I have to be there because he is unstable, has self harmed and threatened suicide numerous times because he says, the guilt he feels. I do love the man I thought I knew but I must come to terms with losing someone I feel I never really had. I lost my dad four years ago and my mum has been affected so badly by this that for weeks, I couldn't even talk to her without her suffering very bad panic attacks so for awhile, I was totally alone. My family support me but only handful know the truth. I cannot believe I did not know, even the smallest clue...but now this person cannot live without women clothing and make up but can live without us...

woman undone:
What I found is that once I was able to see my ex's manipulative bids for sympathy (he did not self harm after disclosure but before), I could use my anger and upset as a propellent. (My child was an adult, but I still worried about the effect on him.)

I echo the other statements here to start making plans for how to live separately from him. Getting him out of your daily sight will help. If you have not sought legal advice for the business and for maintenance for the children, I would think that would be your first priority.

I'm so sorry you are going through this @womanundone. It is so easy to get caught up in the whys. I still do it even though has been moved out over two years now. But @TinselAngel has wise advice- what plans can you make to get out?

You are clear-headed and realistic. Big, big hugs to you and your children. You are all sane. Keep away from the insane for obvious reasons. Make plans and carry them out. XXX

Brook70, Thank you. I wish I could say I was okay but I am not. The anxiety and constant dread I feel is over whelming. I have lost my life...thats how I feel...it has been stolen by someone I trusted. The anger and pain from the fall out of this mess is unbelievable. I get no support while he's family totally are supportive of him like he is the victim. So many opportunities over the years to tell the truth but he has choose, choose being the operative word, to drop this bombshell three children later and I'm on the wrong side of 40...no time would have ever been right. The full force at which he now wants to change his gender is mind blowing! After a lifetime of being a man I just can't get my head around any of it and just want to take my children and run. He is full of guilt for what he has done to me but at the same time tries to justify it by saying he was young...I don't deny that but why get married? why not just stay single. Why drag an unsuspecting, innocent young girl into this. I have no judgement on who he is but I have every right to judge what he has done to me and our children. The pain is off the charts. I may PM you at some point. Thank you.

Scientistranswidow thank you for your reply. I married my husband 28 years ago, we have three children together. Mid July last year he just decided to tell me he is a trans woman and has always known this from a young age...I was totally unaware. This person has hidden behind me and stolen my life. I am so hurt and angry...so many years he could have said something...why have three children just to leave them now? The selfishness is unbelievable. He still wants a relationship but as much as I love the man I married, I do not love this deceitful person that I don't know. He has self harmed because he cannot handle the guilt of what he has done to my life, our children life. We were business partners too so now I have no income and am at the moment, reliant on him for money. It is the stuff of nightmares and I am waiting to wake up.

@womanundone

Glad you've found somewhere to talk. Hope you're ok. There are so many differing variations of the position woman find themselves in within discovering your partner doesn't identify with the gender you thought they were. But whether your partner/husband is now outwardly wanting to change his gender identity in public or keep it a secret thing ( like mine) I'm sure you'll find support here. You must listen to your instinct and respect your own boundaries...I can't personally get my head around a physical relationship with a man who I've recently discovered has always believed he's a woman from childhood and cross dresses in private. I've made those boundaries clear and they are respecting them currently. Feel free to PM me if helpful. There are a few support groups...

I will connect with you. Tell me more. Tell me a bit about what has happened, and - because I am a practical woman - whether your financial situation is OK at the moment.
This is the worst time now. It will get better because you have taken the first step: trying to find help.
With love and best wishes
Una (Twitter AT STranswidows - please "translate" into T language)

Thanks to Banoffeepie21 for directing me to this thread. I have recently been thrown into this nightmare situation with no support what so ever. All the support and sympathies go toward him and I am in a very bad place emotionally. I'm trying my best to stay focused on my children but I'm heartbroken. Is there anyone else who feels the same? Who would like to connect for emotional support?

@socialworker222

Thank you for your thoughts for those of us affected by this matter. Yesterday, meeting up with family (all of whom are unaware) just highlighted to me how complex and multilayered this whole issue is as regards the network of relationships we all build up over the years. In my case, as my husband doesn't want to be outed nor for our marriage to end, I am feeling so isolated but I do recognise I've got choices...just the difficulty of choosing the least painful way forward for all including the children. That's the task for 2023!

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Christmas. Whatever your circumstances (escaped, thinking about options, planning, having to stay, worried), there is enduring support and advice here and I think of everyone today (sorry am in UK) and how particularly difficult days like this can be when you are going through these disasters. I remember crying in the kitchen on my own the first Christmas, when my soon-to-be ex had visited the kids, given them crap presents (spending a lot on himself at that time) and spent most of his visit receiving messages on his phone. But a good few years on I'm here with my adult children, at peace, with the shadow of a hole in our lives, but having managed to repair it, survive, and move on. Lots of you are in horrible situations this year but I hope and believe it will get better. Hang on on there and happy Christmas.❤