@Cwenthryth
I can see how you would be taken aback by her supporting actual violence against women, real-life violence committed by TRAs, I think you are being too kind by just saying ‘taken aback’!!! Charitably I’m hoping perhaps she doesn’t fully hear what she is saying?
I hope your couples therapy helps you understand each other (and helps her hear what she is actually saying!)
The way I find I can understand this kind of thing is if I imagie it in a somewhat analogous situation, where I agree with the other perspective. It doesn't have to be exactly analogous, just similar in terms of the structure of the issue, as it were.
For example, I belong to a group that does various kinds of work with disadvantaged kids, many of whom are black. In that neighbourhood there has recently ben an influx of recent arrivals in the country of Middle Eastern origin, also disadvantaged and could be served by the same programs. It hasn't been an entirely smooth demographic change though mostly it's been ok.
But I can imagine if the parents from the first group had said the second group shouldn't have access to the services, they were not intended for them but for the original community who had been there historically for many generations and had a totally different historical experience, I would not be that sympathetic. (And, FWIW - they would be right that there experience was different and I suspect it will be different in the future as well.)
Not that I would condone violence, I wouldn't, but if those parents felt they wanted to leave in protest I would have a hard time motivating myself to feel bad or do anything about it.
So I can see - if someone else thinks that there is a situation that is like that, they might have similar emotions to mine.