Help, DS feels like a girl, confused

This is helpful.

jmichaelson91.medium.com/parents-deserve-answers-before-medicalizing-gender-identity-dedfa9f2b4c2

Transgendertrend are run by scuptor who isn't trans, doesn't have any trans kids, has no experience dealing with trans kids, and has no qualifications for doing so.

But they don’t think anyone has trans kids. These issues are philosophical, not practical. You don’t need to have kids to discuss them.

Well, he’s not. He’s not a girl. And since he’s not a girl, he can’t have any idea of whether he ‘feels’ like a girl. He can only be projecting the experiences/cultural norms of what he perceives in the word ‘girl’ on to himself.

And that’s fine. He can act however he likes. There’s no embarrassment about that. I’d explain to him that I’m comfortable with him expressing himself any way he likes, but he’s a boy.

Following the recommendation upthread, I've just listened to the latest "Savage Minds podcast - Julian Vigo has an excellent conversation with Michael Conroy, about his work with boys & young men. Conroy is really thoughtful about masculinity, and his & Vigo's conversation is fascinating - really thoughtful. Very good on gender roles (masculinity femininity) in ways which are so compassionate for individual young men - no man-blaming whatsoever, but still great critical thinking about problematic aspects of masculinity.

It might help @GenderWhere with some ideas to broach with her son.

Is your DS small for his age, or slim built? Does he prefer reading/music/art to sports/gaming? It's not just girls who are affected by stereorypes, and boys who dont fit the stereotypical masculine mold can sadly be made to feel that they're somehow less of a boy, or that they are gay. If there's an obvious "non-masculine" hobby or trait, it can help to point out all the males who do it because at school the narrative is often that only the gay boys do drama or that if a boy is quiet he is more like a girl. It also sounds like your DD might be encouraging him, given that she has been so quick to provide you with your non-binary diagnosis.

That's great GenderWhere I think you're handling it well. I think openness and communication are the most important thing and of course sometimes it really isn't as deep as you think it is as NearyGranny said he might just not be into stereotypical boy things.

www.transgendertrend.com/
I would read through Transgender Trend which seems one of the last bastions of safeguarding in an increasingly nonsensical landscape for young people.

OP, I also recommend the podcast "Gender - A Wider Lens". It is by two therapists who both treat the age group in question and they are both intelligent and full of empathy.

And yes, a belief that humans should be segregated based on the size of the gametes their bodies produce (or would produce if their bodies could produce gametes) is indeed ideological.

Not to mention nonsensical.

Always interesting when devotees of gender ideology and/or queer theory demonstrate the nonsensical conclusions of sex denial.

There are differences between females and males, just as there are between adults and children of any species.
Recognising the impact of such differences in human beings informs some policies, provision of space/services and also legislation.
It is not nonsensical for female single sex spaces and services to exclude those people who are male sex.

he's obviously questioning ideas about gender and just needs a safe space to talk this through with a neutral adult who is not his parent.

Why would you suggest it needs to not be a parent?

The government and every specialist in history acknowledges that parents (or guardian/primary caregivers) are in the vast majority of situations a child's strongest advocates, first teachers and the people with responsibility for care of their child. So, why would anyone try to bypass, diminish or undermine that crucial role?

ChiefBabySniffer I can't believe what you're wearing family has been through-happy your oldest is doing better.

ChiefBabySniffer I am so sorry for your experiences.

Instead of asking why her DS 'feels like a girl' OP might find it more enlightening to ask what it is he thinks a boy should feel like that he doesn't feel, iyswim.

Yes, I agree.

Instead of asking why her DS 'feels like a girl' OP might find it more enlightening to ask what it is he thinks a boy should feel like that he doesn't feel, iyswim.

That could open up what's worrying him. It might be that his boy mates are telling offensively sexist jokes or talking about porn and making him feel ick when he thinks about his mum and sister. He needs to be assured there aren't two sets of feelings, one for each sex, and perhaps he's just a nice person who needs better friends. Help him see there's all the room in the world for him and his personality and any labels he accepts need to be written by him for himself. So sad to see anyone, young or old, trying to contort themselves to fit into an arbitrary and limiting box. But I'm just a superseded second wave feminist, so what would I know?

And since when has science been an ideology?

I think I would encourage your son to talk to you when he's good and ready and listen and talk with an open mind.
He's at an age when he is beginning to figure himself out. You sound like someone willing to support your kids without judgement but not without critical thinking.
My DD is also 14 and we've been talking around this and lots of other adolescent issues for the last couple of years.
I don't think the gender non-conformity in this generation is frankly any different from any previous ones, but there is more language deployed to describe it. This is both a good thing and equally not so great as it seems to be driving an epidemic of labels.
It's a very very hot topic amongst young adults.
My line with my DD is that self knowledge is a lifetime journey, some things you will know and be sure about yourself from a young age, other things will shift and develop over time. Try not to do anything to yourself now that jeopardises your future self. It's fine to explore now. There are reasons why things like tattoos and intimate piercings for example are age restricted.

@yeahbutnaw
There's a 3.5 year waiting period for a first appointment. All patients go through multiple screenings before any medical treatment.

Your "belief" in people being "rushed" through the system is demonstrably false and unquestionably ideologically-driven.

Have you been / are you going through this process with a teenager currently in the UK? Because if you are, as many of us here are, you will know that whilst the NHS waiting list is +2 years long but if you can afford to, there are private practices who will prescribe cross sex hormones after minimal consultation - an hour I believe, online. I was advised by my GP to use one for my child, because of the long NHS waiting list. I don't think some of these practices are ethical in their treatment (or rather lack of) so have not succumbed to the pressure. So yes, treatment to encourage medical transitioning is frighteningly quick and easy to get hold, if you want to give them their profit.

Also, "affirmation" doesn't mean what you think it means in a clinical setting.
I'm curious to know what "affirmation" does mean, in a clinical setting?

@GenderWhere

In my close friend group, six children I have known since babies/toddlers questioned their gender as early adolescents. With the exception of two, they all changed their minds around 17/18. At the time, none of them had had any sexual relationships and almost were a bit behind their peers in physical development, despite most being wicked smart. There are a wide range of experiences but I share to let you make your own observations. Sounds like you are a wonderful mom.

1. Young girl said she was NB at 13. Now at 18, she seems to have dropped this. Her mom suspects she's probably a lesbian but with the pandemic, it's been impossible for her very shy daughter to meet or date easily.

1. Young man (with loving parents) said he was NB a few years after his brother came out as trans at 19. Brother also has serious mental health issues and suicide attempts. Brother has since desisted at 25. Because his parents refused puberty blockers and instead put him in family therapy to deal with distress of brother's life, young brother is now 6'2, strong and healthy, happy bi young man who wears awesomely cool clothes from dresses to men's skinny jeans, and he has a healthy dating life and 2 years at art college. I consider him the best success story because his parents, despite acceptance of older child's trans and then later desist, didn't push the younger brother, rather addressed the family trauma head on.

1. Young girl was NB for a few years, wearing binders. This last year of high school, it quietly went away. She now (18) has dated a few boys and seems focused on college.

1. My godson who I love struggles with a lot of mental health issues. Claims to be trans one day and NB the next. Not sure on every detail of his journey as he's very private but I worry about the hormones he's on as he isn't very mature despite being 18.

1. Another girl who is NB and only occurs asks to use they/them...her mom has noticed this is only in her peer group, when she got a job, she preferred sex-based pronouns. She also accepts she's a bio female but queer fluid. I see her as still figuring things out. She's 16.

1. Young woman (21) with lots of trauma at a young age (patents' contentious & ugly divorce, homophobic dad, 2 rapes, mom addicted to pain meds). She is struggling in all aspects of life. She prefers she/they and the label 'gender fluid', but I suspect the trans idea is coming next based on her SM posts. She has been diagnosed with a "personality disorder," but haven't shared what kind.