Women's libido - apparently they just don't know why it disappears?! WTAF?

Well now, there's something profound--women may resent a man who dodges housework. But if they're an equal pair of skivers, there's a key to domestic happiness and blissful sex. Sod the cleaning, let's jump into bed!

And FWIW< i think that women's libido is pretty variable for a lot of other reasons. Having kids tends to kill it for a while which might be relevent with the one year element.

I don't really find this that odd. "What's going on in the relationship" is something contained within the things they are talking about. But it's an individual level way of putting it.

Hmm, nine years together, but no kids and fairly equal degrees of housework-dodging… sexual desire for each other definitely hasn’t diminished, in fact it’s really weird to me when I occasionally notice a celebrity or something and remember it’s theoretically possible to be attracted to other men. Frequency has declined a little bit and the amount of energy we put into it has had a similar slight decline. It’s almost never routine, it nearly always feels like there is some new dimension to it. So I suppose that helps.

Up there with one of those 'hold the front page' type articles informing us that the menopause lasts longer than three months.

Oooh, sorry, didn't realise it was a zombie.

I would bet money, lots of money, that women's desire to have sex with men is directly linked to how much of a chore-dodging man-child she's living with

From personal experience, can confirm. In the end it was just another chore.

Sorry to revive this old thread.. Was searching for posts relating to my current life situation and I just love this post.

Maybe after our baby making and youthful man hunting urges, a lot of women would be happier shacked up with another woman!

Quality. All too many men don't know anything about womens bodies and show no interest in learning. I think this is one of the reasons women are less keen on casual sex, its likely to be crap!

I had a high sex drive, but during prolonged breastfeeding I had zero libido. Same when menopause kicked in. (I was expecting that, especially as my mother experienced the same.) So it feels clear to me it was largely related to reproductive cycle. Have to say I don't really miss it. It's left me with much more creative headspace for other things.

therewereroses sheep with croup! Such a good description. And totally repulsive.

Once the first few passionate dates are out the way they move in together (almost always within a year) and are both completely content to curl up in bed with a cup of tea, a good book and never pester one another for sex again unless they've had white wine or it's someone's birthday

Tbh i think that sounds rather wonderful.

I can genuinely see why a lot of bi women have heterosexual relationships earlier in life then appear to ‘Turn gay‘ as they get older.

For reference, I am 40. Young adult dc not living at home.

Phew! That has been therapeutic! I've never given it so much thought before!

And one last thing, do not expect me to want to be bounced on after I've had a 4 course meal and a bucket of gin. Take me out for a light meal, followed by drinks. Make me feel like the only woman in the room. Show some damned interest! Occasionally touching me during the evening (not mauling me), just a fleeting hand at my back, or touching my leg makes me feel good.

So there you have it! I'm not easily pleased it appears!

Oh, and having a man who also takes pride in his appearance and has a fit body is also a contributing factor. My most recent sexual encounter was utterly awful. He was an older man, with a bit of a gut and very bad asthma. He was like a dead weight squishing me and then wheezed like an old sheep with croup from the exertion. Awful and was never repeated. I suppose I could have got up off my arse and got on top, but I couldn't be arsed these days as it's not a position I have ever derived pleasure from.

"roll over and snore like a big lump right after the act"

Ok, this turned out to be long. I've a very low libido these days, but there are oh so many factors as to why. Wouldn't bother me if I never had sex. No desire to masturbate either.

I sometimes find it all a little crass and animal-like. It's hard to describe it. I hate feeling like an object and am almost ashamed of myself for deriving sexual pleasure. I suspect there is also some residual Catholic guilt involved.

I think sexual assault in the past has affected me in a way I've never bothered to explore in therapy which might be why I find it such a base thing.

Prior to this, an extreme fear of getting pregnant was a huge factor. I cannot tell you how big of an issue this was. Nothing like the thoughts of an unwanted pregnancy to cool your ardour.

When I am fit, exercising and slim and strong, I've more desire with a new partner. Partly due to body confidence and partly because my body is more capable of the gymnastics required for me to personally orgasm. I also suspect exercise and fresh air might increase whatever hormones make you desire sex. When I'm unfit, blobby and look like shit, nope, no desire. Have any of you ever cramped while in the throes of passion lol? I seize up like an old car which hadn't been brought out for a while. On more than one occasion in the past my moaning and involuntary spasms due to cramped feet and legs has been mistaken for a powerful orgasm.

Sexual coercion and coming across like a dog with two bugeens was a guaranteed buzz killer in the past. Fuck off. Get the hell away from me with your grubby paws.

I am far more likely to feel desire when I find it believable that someone desires me. By that I mean that when I'm single and dating, I'll have shaved, moisturised, painted toe-nails, put on tan, dressed up, had hair done and had make-up done. I feel far more attractive then so am more likely to feel desire as I can believe that a man does actually desire me. By contrast, in a comfortable long-term relationship where I come home, the bra comes off, the g-string comes off, the big knickers comes out along with the socks and baggy loungewear. For some reason I don't in such instances find it believable that my partner could actually find me attractive and I feel like it's a case of 'any hole will do'. That doesn't turn me on.

Weather! In Winter and the cold, I wear the warmest, most snug and comfortable clothing possible to bed (including socks). A veritable yeti. In Summer however, where I wear less clothing in bed and I suppose the 'skin to skin' contact contributes to arousal perhaps. I suppose this is why Italians and those with warmer climates are more renowned for their libido.

Like a pp, different timings for libido. Wake me up from my precious sleep fondling me with something poking me in the back and you'll soon fucking regret it. I cannot stand it whereas other women find this a turn-on. We had a term for my midnight or dawn reactions to an uninvited come-on - 'the asses kick'. He would quite literally get a backwards donkey kick to get him away from me. Being a resilient sort it never thwarted him long-term, but that was just that relationship really lol. I'm not generally in the habit of physically assaulting boyfriends (he exaggerated that it was a kick - it was moreso me moving him away from me with my legs). On the other hand, when I do have desire is after a few drinks. This is fine once the man has no issues with erections after alcohol. Men often seem too tired by the time I'm up for it and not only that but roll over and snore like a big right after the act. Ew. Likewise, when I'm out of the shower, make-up done and am getting ready for work or to go out, do not pick such a time to want to mess up my hair, makeup and sweat all over me. Pick a better time dude.

I can't say that I'm on medication that is known to affect libidio but I have been in the past which might have been a factor at times.

There has been a noticeable diminishing of my libido over the years but there are so many factors involved, none of which I would attribute to biological aging factors exactly. Yes as I've mentioned, there are physical elements, but that's not age-related. When I was fat and younger I had as much desire then as as do now when I feel like shit.

I'm also far less likely to simply not entertain the idea the older that I've got. When younger, I would have been more open to sexual advances when not aroused as I knew that I would become aroused in the process.

I have no peer reviewed evidence for any of the above. They are quite simply my own very personal experiences and surmisations.

In summary, start working out, do some yoga, get loads of fresh air, move to a sunny climate, wear little or nothing in bed, get that rusty razor out and shave groom, doll yourself up so that you like what you see in the mirror, have a few glasses of wine and off you go!

Or you could resign yourself to a sexless existence like moi

I think it's boredom, not necessarily relationship problems per se, although I'm sure that doesn't help. And living with someone for a long time you can end up feeling more like siblings - it's just not erotic

Yes, second the above.

My sex drive started to go after having a child- and I had stopped being attracted to my partner as well, then gradually I found I didn’t like him very much either with the result I had zero sex drive.

We split up, months later I had a fling and by God did it come back.

There is nothing more unattractive than a lazy or inconsiderate man. Chore-dodging man child. There’s so many of them out there and I always wonder how their partners ever want sex with them.

Oh, I don't live like that any more thank goodness - and funnily enough, my libido is coming back - dreams, desires etc.

ie. it's not at all that I (And I suspect most women) don't want to have sex, it's that they don't want the sex they're being offered (or having demanded of them)

I don't think you can claim it's totally men's fault that women lose the urge to have sex in a long-term relationship. When lesbians speak up about "lesbian bed death" as they have, it's clearly something else, the exception that proves the rule maybe, if the rule is "people tend to get bored with sex". Let's say men's behaviour contributes to the situation.

In a previous relationship, we used to talk about "Old shoe sex" and whether it was a thing we wanted or not. The idea that you'd done it exactly the same way with the same person lots of times before, and it's comfortable and predictable--is that enough, or do we need more than that to keep the desire going? (We never reached a clear answer.)

Another reason besides housework ime is nagging/pressure. Nothing makes me want sex less than feeling like I have a chore to do in servicing my partner.

Completely this. In my case, it's unfortunately not really my DH's fault. More that I spent too long in a sexually coercive relationship, which had given me a lot of negative associations and anxiety around sex.

I'd like to enjoy and desire sex more than I do. And slowly, slowly I'm getting there. But you can't just erase years of sexual coercion because you're now in a loving relationship. I wish you could because I'm sick of therapy, but you can't.

I suspect this experience is more common than it seems.