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Original poster

Male friend's opposing attitude towards women is troubling

60 replies

Rae34 · 09/04/2021 12:20

I posted recently on a main board about this male friend in his mid 20s & someone suggested I try this board instead. Of late, the friendship has started to bother me as he contacts me too often & contacts me again when I dont reply. It can be emotionally taxing.

But what I am really bothered about is the person I know day to day and the draft scripts he is sending me (we are both writers)

  • I'm part of a feminist organisation giving a platform to women (especially women who have been de platformed for no good reason of late). He has attended some of these online events we have hosted, one of the only men to do so of late. We have decent conversations in person.
  • however he has started sending me scripts he is writing. He is always arrogant about it & never asks for feedback, just tells me to 'enjoy' them.

Well I am not enjoying them. I was quite shocked to find the portrayal of the female characters quite sexist. The women are promiscuous & unfeeling. The newest script idea sounds like a porn film with a title that reduces women to their body. I told him frankly that I didnt like the idea.

I am struggling with the person I have known day to day and the person who sits up late at night hammering out scripts about women like this.

It is setting off my creepometer big time although I have known him for 6 years and not had any major issues before. Can I approach this in any way or is this a sign that he isnt the friend he appears to be?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 09/04/2021 12:49

It hasn't seem performative if you see what I mean.

And yet, it was.

He's not just telling you of the misogynist he truly is, he's scripting it, sending it to you and telling you to enjoy it.

This really isn't a question as to whether he is a true friend, it's a question of whether you are able to find acceptance that he deceived you as to his true character and rid yourself of his toxicity.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 09/04/2021 12:42

OP, did you watch the Daniel Sloss video?

Deep down, I know most men are good, but when one in ten men are sh!! and the other nine do nothing, they might as well not f!!!ing be there. "Instead of having this f!!!ing hero complex and being, like, "I'm going to beat up a rapist, stop one, because I know it can be done, because I know how I f!!!ing failed at it.

Were there signs in my friend's behaviour towards women that I ignored? Yes. And then he raped my friend. That's on me until the day I die.

Talk to your f!!!ing boys. Get involved.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/celebrity/scots-comedian-daniel-sloss-shares-23688472

Some discussion on this thread tho' that twitter link doesn't work now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4189208-Daniel-Sloss-Everyday-Women-Are-Trying-Their-Hardest-To-Not-Get-Raped

I can't find the threads but there were women discussing their experience of male friends (good friends) walking them home from the pub because there was an active local rapist (in one case) or general danger in the other.

The first one, it transpired that the friend was the rapist. The latter - a few days later, he murdered a sex worker.

Sloss is more on point than I care to think.

PutTheCakeDOWN · 09/04/2021 12:42

Men aren’t as thick as we give them credit for.

He knows you’re a woman. He knows your views on women’s rights. And yet he chooses to taunt you by sending you offensive things he writes about women.

They know what they’re doing! We need to stop making excuses for these men, and inventing reasonable explanations for their misogyny. There aren’t any!

StillAFemale · 09/04/2021 12:40

It may not have seemed performative but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t

Original poster
Rae34 · 09/04/2021 12:34

The thing is that he does seem genuine in person about women and caring about their rights. I wouldn't have been friends with him for 6years if he hadn't. It hasn't seem performative if you see what I mean.

I initially put this down to inexperience. He hasnt had much relationship experience and seems unable to fully understand women. But the last idea he sent was just awful. I am still shocked he thought it was ok.

I know for a fact he will never get anywhere with writing these and is wasting his time bothering. He is a good writer but the attitudes are awful.

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/04/2021 12:29

You got good advice on your other thread that this ‘friend’ is bad news: avoid him! Don’t read the things he sends you.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 09/04/2021 12:27

Tell him that you don't enjoy them and shall not read any more.

Sadly, given the quality of the shortlist for the Women's Fiction Prize - it's astonishing what misogyny and porn can end up lauded if it's offered by particular niche writers.

boatyardblues · 09/04/2021 12:26

When someone shows you who they are...

PicsInRed · 09/04/2021 12:26

He's not a friend.

In fact this particular man probably hates women so much that he derives enjoyment from upsetting a feminist with his misogyny.

Give yourself permission to withdraw from the non-existent friendship.

QuentinWinters · 09/04/2021 12:25

I think you should tell him you can't reconcile the person you know with the scripts and the way he writes women is shallow, stereotypical and unrealistic. So you don't enjoy them.