17 year old daughter has asked for full sex change.

LipstickLou
Your last post contains quite a lot of identifying information - you might want to think about getting it pulled by MNHQ?

Remember, you don't have to justify / explain yourself to any of us. We can only go by what you say and while most will try not to be judgemental, not everyone will be the same. Hopefully you've already have some ideas going forward. It's so difficult when our children are sad / vulnerable, let alone when they get caught up in something with such life long implications.

Bleurgh men have a lot to answer for. Even I as a gallumphing great girl got bipped at (I did have fabulous tits which I hated - oh that they were as perky and perfect now)

There is so much to unpack here, where to even start.

Your child has been assaulted and doesn't trust anyone in her family enough to open up to about it. Why is that?
(Her brother disbelieving her and her aunt calling her names will be part of it, but who else has played a role?)

Taking her on holiday to a part of the world where men routinely sexually harass women will not help. Animals, wilderness, somewhere with no harassment - that sounds a lot likelier to help. I also don't know why you mention how pretty she still is, is that important to you? Are you upset that she might 'ruin her looks'? I hope she doesn't think that's all she has to offer the world.

She sounds so desperate. I think going mute, threatening suicide, planning on cutting off her breasts (that you admit are large and cause her distress - why not suggest ways for her to minimise how they look?) these are all desperate ways of communicating the huge psychological pain she is in.

When PP suggest cutting down internet time, you counter with she's a hacker. Do you see how not making the attempt could be interpreted by her as you simply not caring? Being passive isn't showing her you care.

Who put her brother on a pedestal? Who made her think she was so worthless as a girl that she would be better off dead or cut into the shape of a man? OP you need to root out the causes here and they are surrounding her as much as inside her.

Your poor girl, I can really empathise with how she is struggling. I really hope you can get through to her how important and loved she is, just as she is.

You say you have never met the bf. do you think he exists or only online?

But beware of Italian men pinching her bottom and leering at her. Could confirm rather quickly that she wants to opt out of womanhood

when she was attacked he refused to believe her as it happened at his school

WTF! Well I hope the golden child has fallen off his pedestal now. I would be absolutely furious with my son if he behaved like that. Have you spoken to him about it? I think this changes everything OP. If you have not addressed this with him I can see how she resents you and hates herself.

I am using "she" because I assume that's the pronoun that she uses, and that you are respecting it. If you aren't, that's a whole other issue.

She will not be allowed to medically transition on the NHS without a lot of counselling which includes a great deal of emphasis on the consequences of transition on fertility, for example It requires her to interact with physcologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists, as well as having family therapy. In addition, unless she is diagnosed with GD, she won't be treated. The waiting list is very long, and there is no rush (at least medically speaking) because it's too late for puberty blockers. If she wants to go on the waiting list, she's still a couple of years away from anything irreversible, and you could support that. Refusing it may alienate her.

Destransitioning is very rare, but desisting (usually before puberty) is quite common. Medical transition really helps many transgender people, but it is not a panacea. Finally, many transgender people do not medically transition.

It sounds like you are accepting of her and not putting pressure on her to change her sense of self while it's still developing. I think watchful waiting is the best approach.

Oh poor girl, a shiny big brother who dismisses her assault and is someone everyone looks up to and lauds, a boyfriend pressuring her, a toxic online life and surrounded by examples of trans people being celebrated, centred in everything, special. No wonder she doesn't want to be who she is.

You need to have severe words with your son - he needs to apologise, listen to her, and actually hear her.

This must be so hard for you and your daughter

Apologies if this is utterly crass, but in your position I would be looking for an overseas volunteering opportunity and I would take a sabbatical from work. Somewhere she'd be away from awful bf and internet.
It sounds desperate and I really feel for you all.

OP, my heart aches for you both.

I'm sure you'll get good support and advice from the links already mentioned above.

It sounds like the attack on your daughter has had a huge impact. Glad to hear you have professional help with this. I hope you're able to take time to look after your own needs, too, this must be very stressful for you.

As ever I think the most important things are connection, active listening, empathy and support, as well as setting firm boundaries. Teenagers aren't children, but all humans have the same basic needs - to feel safe, heard and understood. Sometimes children & YP kick against boundaries because they really want and need someone to firmly set them, if that makes sense.

My son was badly bitten aged 2 and went through a phase of biting me - I had to physically pull him off me and when I finally was totally firm and made it clear I wouldn't allow him to hurt me, he was able to process the feelings of hurt and confusion that he'd been carrying. Boundaries help a child/person feel safe. Empathic boundaries - not always an easy balance to get right, but I feel it is key.

Special time is what works best for us - I wonder about taking a holiday or setting a weekly two hours aside to spend purely with your daughter, and her alone, would help? Bearing in mind there may be emotional upheaval and upset as your DD feels safer and more able to open up. It's actually a good sign - that she feels safe, supported and listened to and able to talk.

Active listening is also an art - knowing when to be quiet, when to reflect and show you have heard.

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/teenagers

A couple of books that may be useful -

Staying connected to your teenager, Michael Riera

Untangled - Lisa Damour

Wishing you both all the very best.

More worryingly I read some thread that suggested that the mental health of people did not improve long term with transistion

There are some stats around for that. But also it is anecdotal evidence from clinicians. Particularly they say, where past trauma or mental health issues have not been treated as a priority.

Less than 8% of people detransition provide you arbitrarily decide those who detransition were never trans in the first place

More worryingly I read some thread that suggested that the mental health of people did not improve long term with transistion

I totally agree about how she is fighting directly against you and see you as the enemy. I've been through very similar with my daughter who also suffered sexual assault as a 11 year old. She count against me, hated me, tried to destroy me and made my life a living hell. But she did it because she I was there over person that she knew would never turn my back on her.

At 15 she decided to move in with her dad and I was fine (even grateful) for it and it gave us both space. I decided to stop reacting to her drama and tantrums and it worked. I was always there for her though and now at 23 she is very close to me.

I also have two sons that have declared they are trans. The eldest is over it now thank God but the youngest is 17 and convinced he is a girl. He is very gentle and timid and hates toxic masculinity but I know 100% that this trans thing has come from him watching anime porn . I have told him repeatedly that he is not a girl but he accuses me of terfdom and trans hating. We encourage him to wear what he wants and use his name. He is desperate to have his penis removed. I have not reached the point where I am buying time. I've told him that if he still believes he is trans then at age 25 I will pay for him to have private surgery. This has appeased him totally which is crazy as I'm on benefits and he knows I struggle to pay the bills. Where he thinks I'm going to get the money from I don't know! But that's just showing his immaturity . I know he will desist just like his brother.

It sounds as if she's using the issue to excerpt influence? get some sort of reaction? OP as there's a dissonance between demanding such extreme surgery while being unable to to even discuss this? Given her history of disrupted peer relationships with all her school changes it may be that she's found an 'identity' that guarantees her acceptance - maybe even some greater levels of approval. And that if you're feeling uncertain / lonely must be a real relief.
I'd be tempted to remind her that you're on her side, that you just have her interests at heart and that she can speak to you about anything. I'd be 'watchful' but would try not to ask questions about this - rather focus on everything else in her life. Don't let this be the only issue where you have the in depth discussions if you see what I mean?