Hadley Freeman: My sons ask if a man has ever hurt me. Not really, I lie

@EmbarrassingAdmissions I do think you could have included your stalker, if you wanted to. Awful to have happened at work, too.

One of the things I found in maki g even a half arsed list is that a day or two later, I'm suddenly remembering long forgotten incidents with a sense of shock. One or two quite serious, too.

I also want to say that I think that many of the men who carry out these assaults will be sitting in their homes and agreeing with anyone decrying this type of behaviour. Outraged, even. They cope by compartmentalising, and denying to themselves what they did.

I have been raped, sexually assaulted and stalked by 3 different men on 3 different occasions
All the other low level behaviour flashing, catcalling, unwanted touching I just took to be normal par for the course behaviour.
I am weirdly reassured that it's such a common experience as for many years I tried to figure out what I had done wrong to have these things happen to me. Am I too friendly? Give off the wrong signals? Look like an easy target? It took me years to figure out that it was their fault not mine.

As a baseline assumption I don't like or trust men. Might be unfair but my life experience tells me that's a reasonable place to start from. I know that NAMALT as I have a husband and a son and some nice male friends and colleagues but they have earned my trust over time by consistently decent behaviour.

I really struggle what to say to my son and to my daughter especially. I have never told her about my experiences as I don't want to scare her but I do think I was woefully ill equipped and innocent as a young woman and I want her to know better. I had no idea that there were so many men out there who could not care less about your consent if they can get their desires met. I really thought they must all have believed I consented and was 'leading them on' despite this being a patently ridiculous belief as all 3
were decades older than me and in power over me in work situations.

I hope that greater awareness and discussion is going to help young women and men and that things will be better in the future.

We were only allowed to play certain sports in the skirt. Things like athletics had to be done in gym knickers which were horrendous. Literally wearing underpants in front of everyone. It was a mixed sex school.

I also did my own list when #metoo was trending (didn't publish it). But I remembered two more reading her article. And these were noticeable instances of sexual assault or crimes to that effect (flashing, stalking) without even considering the gropes, arse pinching, nice tits, suck us off love etc...

Thanks @MistressoftheDarkSide
It’s true I felt like it was my failing when really the person in the wrong was the weirdo in the car.

I have always being wary to strike a balance between making my kids aware there could be danger from strangers and at the same time knowing they would need to trust strangers.

Men clearly need to start cleaning their own act. They are victims of the same violent men but often act as it’s not their problem.

My SIL went to an all girls school and recently told me a catalogue of horror stories about being harassed at/ near/ on the way home from school in uniform, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I mentioned it this week to a colleague who turns out to have gone to the same school and had the same experiences ten years before SIL.
Anyway, I was then discussing this with another colleague, and she said she had been lucky and never been harassed by any men, until I reminded her of someone she worked with years ago who got her number from her personel file and called and text her for months. Then she remembered many other stories of catcalls, being touched up, sent offensive messages by ex-boyfriend etc. She hadn't considered them to be wrong.
It's really depressing.

@Terranean

It's a terrible bind to be in, especially in such a scenario.

First priority is protect your child - so responding in kind is not an option really - no-one should start slanging matches on the street which is effectively what twat in car was potentially doing. Not wanting to create a drama and all of those things we do to try and get out of any volatile situation even when it leaves you on the backfoot...... knowing that if you'd shouted back there was nothing to stop him being fuelled by rage, following you, hurling insults etc. Scary for your DD.

And we're the ones having to apologise to each other as women because we allegedly aren't doing enough ....... the current push towards getting men to sort their own shit out between themselves first and foremost is critical I feel.

Powerful piece. Thank you, Hadley.

I feel so stupid for not shouting! Paedo! Out to a catcalling from a car when walking my 10 year old to ballet!

I felt double stupid when I say to my daughter, don’t worry they stupid people that can’t find any other way to say they like you!

I could not live with myself for a while and a few years later I apologise to my daughter for my incompetent answer. At the time I didn’t want her to be scared or self conscious about wearing whatever she liked (leggings and boots on that ocasión). I felt so inadequate as a mother, a feminist and a woman for not having the wits to shout back at them!

God, I did my own list a few years ago when I was following the Harvey Weinstein case. If you had asked me previously, I'd have said I wasn't a victim and laughed off many of them, dismissing or minimising them because they didn't end in rape. It was only when I actually looked at them, 22 incidents and close calls in black and white that I thought fucking hell, what did I accept as 'just one of those things' thinking I was 'lucky' nothing worse had happened?

I filled in that detailed questionnaire posted by Dr Jessica Taylor. Thought carefully about all the instances of abuse, insults, assault, rape, violence, inappropriate comments, catcalls, etc in my 40 odd years on the planet.

I wanted to offer all the data I could, but to be honest there was so much I just didn't even bother putting in or remember, it would take too long.

For instance - I just this morning recalled a man on the tube in London who pressed up against me. When I got out at the station, I realised he had done something all over my skirt - I didn't have the words or understanding for what it was. I was about 10 or 11.

Yes, these things are so par for the course it doesn't even merit more than a mental shrug for me. When I think about it in relation to my own children, though, fucking hell.

Those on this thread who thought they hadn't (bar a stalking incident and catcalling/obscene comments- which I would count), have you never had your bum pinched or slapped? Never had someone standing too close on the bus, breathing down your neck?

Wouldn't a Truth and Reconciliation along these lines be amazing?

You’d like to think so, but apparently some men actually get off on such testimonies.

for Hadley.

I personally don't think I have ever met a woman who hasn't experienced similar to that list. It's an excellent piece.

All horribly familiar. Why aren’t we seeing more items from men saying, yes I did that, me and my friends did that?

Beyond catcalling, I genuinely can't remember being sexually harassed or assaulted. And then I read the article and remembered the time an ex stalked me for months, travelling for hours to ambush me on the way home from work after I refused to talk to him, pretending to be a woman on an internet forum to try to persuade me to go back out with him, sending flowers to my work, emailing my parents, crying and threatening suicide unless I went back out with him. Yeah. Hadn't even considered that whole sorry debacle.

I read this article earlier.

And it absolutely underlined for me the scale of minimising that goes on of very serious incidents.

From my own experience it was ingrained in me to think of things as an unfortunate one off, or my faulty perception, or an over-reaction, because, well, that's what women and girls do.

Not rocking the boat became a bit of a mantra, along with shouldering the responsibility of making things worse, which would do me no favours and negatively impact people around me.

Oh, it all stays there though doesn't it, subtly influencing our behaviour, our relationships, our ability to advocate for ourselves without being called "hysterical".

And when you do try to assert your boundaries, as a human being entitled to them regardless of sex, out come the accusations of misandry, NAMALT, and extremism.

It sticks in my craw.

Hadley.