Why give child man' s surname

I’m interested to know for all these people who didn’t change their name on marriage, did you walk alone down the aisle like Meghan Markle?

Yes, on my own. It hadn't even occurred to me, actually, when I turned up at the wedding, there were all these people and an aisle to walk down. Not really surprising, when you think of it. But I had a wtf moment, all captured on camera, then barged forward on my own. Probably Meghan did it better.

I took my (now ex!!) husband’s name when we got married, I was relatively young at the time and although I considered myself a feminist, I am also from quite a traditional family background, and had always grown up expecting to change my name when I got married. My ex did ask me if I wanted to keep my own name and I said no because I wanted our children to have the same surname as both of us (I also slightly preferred his surname). Then when we had a baby he wondered about double barrelling the surname (quite progressive thinking for someone who winded up being a perpetrator of domestic abuse in the marriage, come to think of it), but I thought it sounded ridiculous, like some insurance company or estate agent, they just didn’t work well together.

@overrunwithlego I can tell you that it drives him to distraction that I still have “his” name and haven’t changed it back (I struggled with that for ages but ultimately because our child has his surname and both psychologically and for convenience eg at the airport, I decided to stick with it, if I hadn’t had a child I would definitely have changed back to my maiden name). You find it depressing, I find it a fun way of getting revenge as the bitter ex-wife 😂 Genuinely nothing gives me more pleasure than when we are in court and he refers to me as Mrs X and my barrister corrects him to say, ah you mean Mrs Y and the look on his face!

I have occasionally toyed with the idea of making up a totally new surname for myself now I am divorced to emphasise a new stage in my life once my child is 18! And at times I have absolutely regretted changing my name in the first place and not double-barrelling my child’s name, but mostly it’s when admin gets confusing because I can’t remember which name I’ve used for something.

I actually really like the idea of the matriarchal line of names passing down from the mother, it makes a lot of sense! Although I also have some sympathy with the viewpoint of we know we are the mothers and have grown the child inside ofnis, we can throw the fathers the bone of passing on their surname for reassurance and bonding. I find it a little bit sad that (although it totally happened to me!) some people are already thinking about what happens in the event of divorce when getting married or naming their children.

I’m interested to know for all these people who didn’t change their name on marriage, did you walk alone down the aisle like Meghan Markle? Or did you have someone “give you away”? I had my dad walk me down the aisle and give me away, and even though we had rehearsed it, I remember it seemed really jarring and old fashioned to me on the day when the minister asked “which man gives this woman away?”.

I think loads of women just do it as its the norm then make up loads of reasons to justify it because they're embarrassed.

It's funny how people on the feminism boards endlessly talk about how pronouns matter. That the slightest change in language has significant meaning to how women are viewed in the world. Yet seem to have a blind spot when it comes to upholding the patriarchy with the naming choices they make.

100% agree

[quote KingdomScrolls]@DeedledeDee it's not true that a man needs a deed poll, we both changed our names (double barrelled) and both only needed our marriage certificate to change everything including passports and driving licences. The only time either party would need a deed poll would be if it were something completely different, eg Ms Smith and Mr Jones married and became Mrs and Mr Brown, both would then require a deed poll.[/quote]
Thanks for confirming that. There's no legal reason why a man can't just send his marriage certificate to passport office etc, same as a woman.

Not only is it easier for the wife to change her name than for the husband as a PP said, admin at schools, airports and loads of other places is just easier when parents and child share a name

They would question the kids surnames in an airport as they are different to yours. Things like this make the penny drop for me

Possibly in the haze of having just given birth I failed to follow my own mother's example and use my surname. I travelled a lot on my own with my son and never once was even asked about the surnames being different.

I'm a bit sceptical about the "so nice for the whole family to have the same name" line. What happens on divorce/ widowhood and remarriage? Do women who believe this change the surnames of children from their first marriage?

@DeedledeDee it's not true that a man needs a deed poll, we both changed our names (double barrelled) and both only needed our marriage certificate to change everything including passports and driving licences. The only time either party would need a deed poll would be if it were something completely different, eg Ms Smith and Mr Jones married and became Mrs and Mr Brown, both would then require a deed poll.

I gave DC my surname as a middle name. I figured DH’s surname would be their boring legal name and mine would be their stage name, or at least the name they’d use to maintain privacy on social media. Literally nobody except work colleagues knows me as Clear Mountain - they all know me as Clear Middlename because that’s who I am on Facebook etc.

I'm married, DH and I both double barreled, DS came along after so now we all have the same name which is equally mine and DH's. I didn't see why I should either give up the name I'd had my whole life or keep it and have a different surname to my children, DH felt the same. Works for us.

It's an easy thing to compromise on. They get YOUR name but we live near MY family. Or have my religion. Or whatever matters. Also, because you're pregnant the baby has an obvious link to you, so it's nice to give the father something to keep. If you like him.

I was married but kept my own name. When my DD was born 24 years ago I decided she could have my husband's name mainly because my mum already had 7 grandchildren and his had none.
Now divorced and his mum had practically nothing to do with my DD (and since died). I wish she had my name but she likes the one she has so I'm stuck wishing I hadn't been generous about it in the first place.

Mine have my surname. DP never raised it as an issue because he's comfortable not upholding the patriarchy. Other options friends have done which work well- hyphenating; creating a completely new family name by merging the 2 surnames or one kid having one parents' surname and vice versa (contrary to the recieved wisdom schools do not find this the slightest bit confusing). So lots of options.

But I think @okbussitout is right- it's done without thinking, people feel a bit embarrassed about it later and make up a bunch of reasons. Ultimately the convention is about male ownership, and that's altogether not a good thing.

My son’s dad wasn’t around so he always had mine. I couldn’t be bothered with the faff of changing my name when I married and the other upside is that my son and I still share a surname.
It does feel more feminist and I quite like feeling like I didn’t give “me” or my family up just because I married.

I grew up with a different name to my mum as she remarried when I was young and changed her name. So it doesn’t feel odd to have a different name to my own child.

I’m the only person left in my family with my surname, so I don’t have the sense of belonging to a clan, so to speak, that I wanted my child to be part of.

Father’s name is objectively much nicer than mine.

I felt so close to my child from before birth, I thought it would be nice for father and child to share the same name.

Also my other half wasn’t bothered either way. If he had insisted on child having his name, I would have insisted not. I get thats petty. But I wouldn’t have liked the presumptuous of him assuming child has fathers name.

I won’t be changing my name when I’m married.

I have followed this thread and found it very interesting. I kept my name on marriage for the reason that I think women should be able to take ownership of their own surname if they choose. I saw some comments up the thread to the effect that "my name was just my Dad's anyway" which I find quite sad. Yes, mine came from my Dad but once I had it it was mine as far as I was concerned. I wasn't just 'borrowing' it from a man. No one ever discards a man's surname with "its just his Dad's", he has ownership of it as evidenced by the divorced men mentioned bemoaning her still having "his name".

@May17th I just take their birth certificates with me. Never been an issue at all.

I'm married and didn't change my name. Um-d and Ah-d about that initially purely because I wasn't sure whether or would be important to me to have the same name as my children, or how that might play out.

However, because my husband is not a caveman, he shrugged at that and said "well they can be 'SavedDownTheWells' if you like". Reader, I married him.

I did give our son his surname in the end for various reasons including that my surname comes from a grandfather I never met who was a real piece of work, I like my husband's surname, we are married and had been together for well over a decade when first born arrived, and there just something about my child having lived in and come out of me that makes him mine in a visceral, undeniable sense that isn't the same for my husband, and I thought this was a nice way of creating a sense of belonging for him from the get-go too. The latter part sounds a bit crazy and was certainly not something expressed by my husband, but there we are.

If my husband had attempted to be a neanderthal about his name, however, I expect our son would be sporting my surname now!

I think loads of women just do it as its the norm then make up loads of reasons to justify it because they're embarrassed.

It's funny how people on the feminism boards endlessly talk about how pronouns matter. That the slightest change in language has significant meaning to how women are viewed in the world. Yet seem to have a blind spot when it comes to upholding the patriarchy with the naming choices they make.

This type of argument is always personal and divisive.

I'm not sure what raising it hopes to achieve really. (Apart from maybe some posters getting upset and feeling that certain boards/ types of women are horrible...)

I also hate the argument that somehow this isn't a feminist issue because a woman's name is really her father's

It's beyond daft isn't it. As you say it's my name and in my case is my mother's and my maternal grandfather's surname. My mother married twice and didn't take either husband's surname and neither of her children have their father's surnames.

I didn't, my son has my surname, I insisted on it.

This conversation has happened so often on MN. It always ends up with Argy bargy.

In the end women make their choices in the context of patriarchal society and with lots of norms and expectations around this type of topic.

And then it all gets a bit personal.

A better question might be, what would be a better alternative at societal level?

Bearing in mind a lot of women like the traditional stuff eg see what happened with 'ms'

It's a patriarchal society and women when they marry become the man's property

Stop exaggerating. What good do you think it does?

A woman just tells her bank and job etc if her name change with no need for deed poll
However, if a man changes his surname it has to be by deed poll

It isn't strictly true that a deed poll is required for either but if a woman were changing her name for a reason other than marriage she may find it more convenient, as would a man, to use a deed poll. Deed polls are not required in Scotland.

I also read that a couple,married or not, can give any surname they choose to the children
Apparently it doesn't even have to be a family name !!

Yes - that's always been the case. There is no law which requires a child to take either of its parents surnames.

If I had a dreadful surname like Smellie or Ramsbottom however,I would jump at the chance of changing to husband's, and if he had a dreadful name, he should be able to change to mine in same easy manner as I to his. That's treating both sexes equally

I would imagine a man who wanted to change his name on marriage could do so in exactly the same administrative way as a woman does by exhibiting his marriage certificate.

Not married. DC have my surname and if married I would now keep my maiden name (gone are the teenage "dreams" of practicing writing "Mrs Jam Boy I Fancy". OH's surname is their 2nd middle name.

OH's family when sending cards or presents to DC always address them as, "name, middle name, his sirnname, my surnamename" or their full birth certificate name. Doesn't bother me.

At school and at the Drs etc they are "name mysurname."

I double barreled my surname before kids, and hated it. I have a stepson who has my husbands last name, and I wanted any additional kids we might have to have his surname, to blend the family. So I gave them his surname, with mine as a middle name.

We have custody of DSS, and creating a happy blended family was more important to me than anything. It worked for us, as all the children very much feel like siblings, and I think the shared family surname has played a part.

Under different circumstances I’d have used my surname.