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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

OP posts:
SpringSunshineandTulips · 09/03/2021 19:23

@PotholeParadies

As you can always rely on him shouting out, maybe having a response to him is the key.

Him: "Feeling cheerful today are we?"
You: "no. I'm being harassed again by you, because you can't get over being told to get your nose out of my life last year. Get over it."

Oops. Was meant to quote what I liked.
SpringSunshineandTulips · 09/03/2021 19:20

I like this. Simple and to the point. Hopefully they’d realise that they are harassing and annoying you after you say this.

Blueskytoday06 · 09/03/2021 19:09

Fuck off ?

GertrudeKerfuffle · 09/03/2021 19:06

Obviously you couldn't do this in real life but it would be fun to imagine sneaking to the park one night and spray painting 'Cunt Club' on the bench, in day-glo yellow paint.

Faffertea · 09/03/2021 19:01

Is your need to shout at strangers due to a medical problem or are you just a prick?

Do you shout at random strangers to compensate for a lack of personality, a tiny dick or both?

Look love (or other patronising name), you’ve been doing this for months now. Are you trying to get my attention or do you just like the sound of your own voice, because, frankly, it’s just a bit pathetic really isn’t it?

I don’t think you’re over reacting I can only ever think of these things later on rather than at the time! Sometimes I have to speak to people in a professional capacity who are obnoxious pricks and my senior colleague once gave me the advice of trying to write out “fuck off” on the roof of my mouth with my tongue. I find it quite therapeutic!

StillWeRise · 09/03/2021 18:59

I'm not sure it's actually legal to film someone without their consent.
If I've understood right, this is a group of mainly women but its a loud mouth man who initiated this, and now continues it with their approval? I think this makes a difference because although it sounds unpleasant they won't see themselves as threatening.
I think the best thing is to be direct and straightforward.
If they are blocking your path ask them to move and wait until they do.
You could say to the man, 'how much longer are you going to carry on with this? It's getting boring. I'd like you to stop now'
and to the women
'Aren't you bored with this by now? I don't like it.

MouseTheDog · 09/03/2021 18:56

I would put in headphones. Walk along the path as if they are normal people. Say excuse me. Keep pushing forward and they will move. Say thank you. If they speak to you just point at headphones, sorry can’t hear you! Keep going.

peanutbutterjimjams · 09/03/2021 18:51

Or a super cheery fake-smiled 'Good Morning!' while flipping the middle finger might work too.

peanutbutterjimjams · 09/03/2021 18:48

It might be worth bringing it up with the council and asking them to move the bench a bit further from the path since it's difficult to pass it covid-safely. And mention the harassment.

airsealengineer · 09/03/2021 18:46

Do what Moss did on the IT crowd to his park bullies

hedgehogger1 · 09/03/2021 18:43

"I'd be more cheerful if I wasn't being bullied and harassed by people old enough to know better"

Or

"Just fuck off and leave me alone"

CardinalLolzy · 09/03/2021 18:42

I think a simple "I'm asking you again to please leave me alone". Could you go up to (2m away obv!!) one of them and specifically ask them if they could please stop the intimidation now and ask their friends to do the same?

I'd consider reporting it if they didn't stop after this.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 18:41

Can i just say that the full gamut of advice here, from serious legal and safety suggestions to mooning and squirting them with my water bottle is EXACTLY why i’m on MN.

I was feeling genuinely anxious and tense when i posted. Now i’m comforted and highly amused. You really are a wonderful bunch of vipers.

OP posts:
Wheresmyfuckingphone · 09/03/2021 18:39

Point at him
Make wanker gesture/give him the finger
Grin

WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 09/03/2021 18:39

“Stop harassing me”
Or
“My mum died”

YesPleaseMary · 09/03/2021 18:36

“Cheer up love!”
“Oh I will WHEN YOU’RE DEAD”
Said quietly, about a foot away from his face.

airsealengineer · 09/03/2021 18:31

Squirt them all with a water bottle in the you might do to get rid of a barking dog.

DaisiesandButtercups · 09/03/2021 18:28

Given the repeated nature of the behaviour over such a long time with no engagement on your part you might consider talking to the school and the police. They could well be causing intimidation and distress to others too, the school might want to warn other parents about the anti social behaviour of this group.

If you put your phone on audio record in your pram/pushchair you won’t be at risk of escalating their hostility. If you do decide it is safe to hold your phone up to film their behaviour I agree with mathanxiety say nothing and try not to be confrontational about it, filming them really runs the risk of escalating things though in my opinion.

Regarding unwanted interaction from stalkers I believe the advice is not to engage at all even to ask the stalker to leave you alone. Any engagement is viewed as an invitation for more interaction from the stalker.

Keeping a written log of dates and times and what they say or do, how many are there, any names that you know will be helpful if you decide to go to the police.

Theunamedcat · 09/03/2021 18:26

Do you belong to a harassment club?

Have you always been a bit thick or did you take a night class?

TrojaninTroy · 09/03/2021 18:23

I find this works wonders:

"Actually I just found out today that my Mum has terminal cancer. And then last week my brother went missing when his plane went down in Brazil. To cap it all, I found out this morning that I've lost my job."

VortexofBloggery · 09/03/2021 18:21

Headphones, turned up loud. Angry dog if you have one.

Sorry you are being harassed by a bunch of fuckwits. I thought your first response was good too. Stay sane!

mcmooberry · 09/03/2021 18:20

They sound awful but I would probably advise just saying a generic "Good Morning" to the group as you pass and totally ignore any other comments about being cheerful.
I don't blame you for tackling him about the "Cheer up" in the first place, it is unbelievably annoying.

muddyford · 09/03/2021 18:19

I support the recording the morons on your 'phone. I do that when I'm out with my dogs and uncontrolled or aggressive dogs pile in. Amazing how the owners grab their dogs and back off. I actually yelled at one retreating back to keep checking the local FB page to see themselves in glorious Technicolour.

Skythrill · 09/03/2021 18:10

This reply has been deleted

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mathanxiety · 09/03/2021 18:02

Take put your phone, point it at them, and record them.

Take a quick glance at the phone, put it in your pocket, and walk away, all in total silence.

Do this every single day.

When you have a good deal of footage, post it on a local FB page.