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Original poster

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

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WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 16/03/2021 10:22

Evilharpy

I feel such total, utter hatred for men like this

There was a wonderful interview with Isabelle Allende on Radio 4 last week. She was talking about the younger generations of men and how we have to bring up our sons etc. As an aside, she added with resigned and casual dismissal “- the older generation, well we just have to wait for them to die...”
It made me chuckle, I could imagine the Roys harrumphing across the Shires.

Walesrecommendations · 11/03/2021 20:17

Haven't RTFT but my mum was told to 'cheer up,it might never happen' by a shopkeeper days after my dad had died, of course he was mortified when she relayed this to him-I would be tempted to say something like that. They sound horrible Flowers

Original poster
RubaiyatOfAnyone · 11/03/2021 20:06

Thank you all so much, i am immensely cheered, and as @Weirdfan said I shall imagine an army of you in all your sarcastic glory walking beside me.

Sadly(?) rain has stopped play this week as it is too horrible, wet and windy to brave walking at the moment. Once i start again, i will update if there is anything interesting to say but fingers crossed it will all fizzle out like a damp squib and all my witty rejoiners will not be needed because they have all grown up during lockdown Grin

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 11/03/2021 16:43

[quote CorianderBee]@PlanDeRaccordement as a Northern woman I wouldn't say it was a polite greeting. 'You alright, love?' Is a greeting. 'Cheer up love' is a command embedded with misogyny.

Men don't mean it to be misogynistic half the time, but it still is. [/quote]
Alright then. I am just now realising I was being insulted all those years ago as a young French university student studying in the U.K. I heard it so often, and said in such a joking manner that I to this day have honestly thought it was an English thing and not impolite.

DontFuckItUp · 10/03/2021 22:20

Wide eyed look after his comment followed by "Wow, you really don't like women do you? Does it make you feel like the big man to be mean to me just walking my child through the park? I'm so sorry you feel the need to be this way, have a good day now". Cutting, pitiful smile and on your way

evilharpy · 10/03/2021 22:12

Nothing to suggest that hasn't been suggested already but I feel such total, utter hatred for men like this. I genuinely wish they would all just fuck off and die. As a runner I've had a lot of it over the years and usually resort to namecalling and hurling angry, sweary abuse back at them which probably isn't the best way to deal with it but I don't care.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 10/03/2021 22:00

I mean how can ‘cheer up’ ever be perceived as a greeting, let alone friendly?

You’re being told you look miserable, and it’s not acceptable.

In whose socially inept world is that considered ‘friendly’ or OK?

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 10/03/2021 21:39

Another northerner born and bred in 1970 who doesn’t recognise “Give us a smile love!” and it’s dismal equivalents as being a universal cheery greeting.
It was common enough from older men, if I was alone, but I knew it was wrong.
I’m not aware of men ever being on the receiving end.
It is fucking outrageous when you analyse it.

B3ttyBoop · 10/03/2021 20:49

Bunch of bullies. I'd be tempted to buy some posters of Jabba the Hut and other ugly characters and blue tack them to the chair before they arrive. Nicely written sign: Jabba the Hut's seat, too selfish to allow anyone else to sit down.

Changechangychange · 10/03/2021 20:05

I do find that a really aggressive initial reaction usually makes them back off. I usually shout at them that “my dad has died and who the fuck do they think they are telling me to cheer up, do they think it’s funny he’s dead”? (He is dead, but he died when I was a child)

I basically carry on shouting, really loudly, over them as they start backing away and saying it was just a joke (“oh my dad dying is a joke is it? You think my dad dying is fucking funny? Are your parents dead?”)

Basically I make sure my reaction is so batshit over the top that they regret ever approaching me. I make it really loud and embarrassing for them, so half the street turn around and look at them. Obviously you have to have no shame yourself, but I’m more than happy to create a spectacle.

Unfortunately I think you are now in an established situation where these guys are trying to bully you, and at this point there isn’t much you can do beyond avoid them. In a group, without passers-by, honestly there isn’t really any way of shaming them into fucking off.

Changeforchangessake · 10/03/2021 20:01

@NovemberR

Film them.

Get your phone out and stand there, obviously videoing. When they ask what you are doing say You are constantly harassing me and I find you intimidating as a gang of bullies. In addition you are breaking Covid laws and I am intending to pass this onto the police if you do not leave me alone.

I'd hope at least that some of them went home shitting themselves with what I was going to do.

This or even better have it ready and say ‘I belong to a few Internet forums and they commented that what you are doing is harassing a women minding her own business and attempting to threaten and intimidate her with your misogynist comments - they asked me to record you for the police and to post it publically - every single time I see you, so welcome to your video - can you explain why you need to harass and make unwanted and unwelcome comments towards single women?’
MissBarbary · 10/03/2021 20:01

[quote merryhollybright]@MissBarbary is that aimed at me? I didn't say anything about another woman's appearance Confused[/quote]
??? Why would you think it's aimed at you?

I quoted you because you commented that some of the suggestions being made are worse than the conduct being complained about.

CorianderBee · 10/03/2021 19:56

@PlanDeRaccordement as a Northern woman I wouldn't say it was a polite greeting. 'You alright, love?' Is a greeting. 'Cheer up love' is a command embedded with misogyny.

Men don't mean it to be misogynistic half the time, but it still is.

merryhollybright · 10/03/2021 19:51

@MissBarbary is that aimed at me? I didn't say anything about another woman's appearance Confused

merryhollybright · 10/03/2021 19:27

@334bu

*I think the idea of addressing the women is a good one- "why are you allowing this man to harass a woman on her own like this?" If you can try to single them out and address them individually that might help. I'd then address him and just say "You are behaving like a bully. Leave me alone."*

I really don't agree with this as it is yet another example of women always being blamed for whatever men are doing. She made me do it. She just had to say no. She shouldn't have been walking alone at night..........and so it goes on.

Not at all. I'd suggest the same thing if it was a group of other men he was with. It's just as important to address the people egging him on as it is the man himself.
Tomatobear · 10/03/2021 19:04

I know it's mean but you could say very loudly to your toddler "Don't worry, he'll be dead soon!"

Probably a bit inappropriate though Grin

Arsehole man

23PissOffAvenueWF · 10/03/2021 18:58

@PlanDeRaccordement - you might like to reflect, for a moment, on the fact that you’re not the only lady of a certain age from ‘the North’ on this thread, let alone on MN.

You are the only one saying ‘cheer up love’ is a greeting.

No. It’s not, and never has been a greeting. Either in ‘the North’, or the rest of the world.

willibald · 10/03/2021 18:51

I'd definitely film him. And post it everywhere.

cateycloggs · 10/03/2021 18:47

Also mid 60s here and Northern born and bred and frquently told to smile or cheer up when I was young. It's totally an aggressive act of social control. What's it to strangers if you are looking down/unhappy/neutral? Nothing except you are not fulfilling your sexual function as a young woman for a random audience.

Luckily for me I learnt how controlling it is when one day as a child of about 13, I was walking up our street feeling remarkably happy but alone and smiling to myself in the sunshine, an older man pushing a bike took the trouble to tell me I needed to be careful as I could get into trouble smiling like that. Normally I was criticised for looking miserable ( which I was) or pouting. See, unauthorised and unaccompanied female smiling and mark it down, see here showing her natural feelings and tell her to change them. He may or may not have said 'love'. Lesson learnt.

It's actually distressing to read how your morning walks are being ruined by these (male and female ) bullies. does your park have a warden system or the council have a harrassment telephone line? Or a number for a community police officer? Prevention of quiet enjoyment of a public space should be an offence.

MarisPiper92 · 10/03/2021 17:56

"Say that again and it won't be me who needs cheering up!"

That's obviously really aggressive and I'd never say it, but I would like to. Favourite so far is "I'll cheer up when you fuck off." Nice and to the point.

nursejekyll · 10/03/2021 17:51

'Cheer up, love,' is not a greeting.
'Well it was when I attended university in northern England in the 1990s...'

As a Northern 50+ woman I can assure you that you are wrong.
Did we all have whippets as well?

mathanxiety · 10/03/2021 17:38

Should be italicised:
I don’t think it could be classed as “misogyny” there is not hate of women in saying “cheer up, love”. That’s an over reaction from someone with a chip the size of a tree on her shoulder. If anything, older people DO know what younger people with small children are going through, because they’ve already been through that phase of their life

mathanxiety · 10/03/2021 17:37

I don’t think it could be classed as “misogyny” there is not hate of women in saying “cheer up, love”. That’s an over reaction from someone with a chip the size of a tree on her shoulder. If anything, older people DO know what younger people with small children are going through, because they’ve already been through that phase of their life

I'm 56, and it has never been a friendly greeting.

It's a reminder to women - usually women walking on their own - that they may only enjoy the great outdoors if men decide they can.

It's a reminder to women that they may not be out and about on their own terms - no, they must be mindful of men, they must accept that men dominate the outdoors, and they must perform for men when outdoors. They do not have the right to concentrate fully on whatever is in their minds when outdoors, be it caring for children, making decisions, remembering a shopping list, meditating.

Do men express this cheery, friendly greeting to other men? Surely other men should smile?
Do they express this cheery, innocuous greeting to women who are out with another man? Surely if a woman should smile when she's out on her own, she should smile in company?

The 'friendly greeting' is a way to establish a hierarchy.
The hierarchy goes as follows:
MEN
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.
.
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.
.
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.
.
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.
Large breeds of dog
women

goldielockdown2 · 10/03/2021 17:33

No flaming from me, plan, but you should probably consider that the reason yours is the lone opinion and is reflected by no one else on the entire thread, is because you're wrong.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2021 17:16

It sounds very much to me that this is drama of your own creation. To respond to a standard friendly greeting common to mid-60s older generation with a volley of verbal abuse is to create an unfriendly atmosphere.

Do you get out much, @PlanDeRaccordement?

Are you genuinely unaware that this is the phrase used by thousands of disrespectful men towards women who are minding their own business every day on the streets and in the parks of cities and towns across the UK?