Feeling oppressed in discussions with DH.

If he's depressed, he might find the effort of processing the thoughts needed to hold a discussion overwhelming. So he's shutting it down because he doesn't have the mental capacity / energy / agility to deal with it now.

HIs state of mind might make your 'passionate discussion' feel like a wall of rantiness, again because it's too much for his reduced, slower, more easily stuck, more brittle processing capacity to deal with.

Can you slow down, take one short point at a time, speak, then listen to his response, pause, then the next point?

It's possible his 'there is no discussion' line is really about saying he lacks the capacity to participate in discussion. Symptoms of depression include poor short-term memory and inability to make decisions. This may be relevant.

That's not to say he mightn't also believe he's right and has nothing to learn from you. But if he wasn't like this before, it might offer some explanation.

I don't really think those two things are related.

But once you get to a point where someone in a marriage feels they are being lectured at, or you won't let something like politics or religion go when you can't come to an agreement, you will run into trouble. No one likes that and it's not sustainable.

You can't force people to agree with you or see things your way, and not only are their diminishing returns in trying to you may make them less sympathetic.

Well, he's Mr Righty McRightface, isn't he!

You are 'looking for an argument' because there is no necessary or sensible discussion to be had, because he's right. Obviously.

I read that and my immediate thought was that he doesn’t like you much. It might be the depression, in part. Depressed people are notoriously self-obsessed and hard to get along with. How were things in your marriage before he was depressed?

He doesn’t seem to respect you or your opinions very much at all....

Sorry swapped to the computer to type instead of trying to do short sharp sentences on teh phone. (now you get lack of capitals and spelling mistakes...

only you know the context of your post and the other things that make the marriage unacceptable. It does sound like you are not communicating in the same style and it does sound like you have got different opinions. We agreed not to discuss politics as we were of different opinions on some things. we do discuss things that we are of the same opinion on and it gets a bit ranty,

There are some things he may find genuinely difficult. If he is depressed he may find the talking overwhelming. Walking off is a good strategy then. Better than getting to going to meltdown phase. If you have opposite opinions best agree to not discuss them.

I think few people enjoy feeling like they are being ranted at. Do you actually listen to what your DH says and try to understand why he thinks these things? Or are you just trying to convince him of your point of view?

So do you have children from your previous marriage and children with him? That really adds another layer of difficulty. You are going to be the default parent for your own children, I think, and then that brings in issues of parenting for the children you have together, and then a whole other layer if he has children from a previous marriage or relationship. It is a very difficult dynamic, particularly if he then questions your parenting (despite you being the default parent) or suggests you are undermining him, or whatever. That is without adding in other difficulties and lack of respect/understanding.

Is he receiving treatment for his depression, and do you think marriage counselling would help?

I've had similar arguments OP, not quite the same but my fears around self ID have been shut down several times.

I also recommend marriage counselling. It helped us so much and we now argue more effectively! If you do decide to separate, counselling can help with that process.

I think gender ideology/Self ID is such a threat to women that whilst male partners don't think they have skin in the game they actually do and if they show little interest if care around our justified fears and can't even listen then that says a lot about how little they respect the woman in their life they are meant to love the most. I'm glad your DH has changed his mind and it isn't a banned topic.

You may have other very good reasons to leave but I would try counselling first. Feel free to DM me x

*uninformed

It sounds like he is belittling you and trying to keep you in your place as the uniformed woman, casting himself as the superior male. The lack of respect for your views and the unwillingness to pull his weight equally (eg in getting the kids ready) would be absolute deal breakers for me.

Do you feel loved?
Do you feel supported?
Do you still like his company?

If the marriage is otherwise good, you could try marriage counselling. But he'd need to realise he was refusing to listen, and you'd need to realise when to not get into these discussions in the first place. As would he.

There's a time and a place for hot debate. Both sides need to remember that, not just you.

You don’t have to stay in your marriage, actually, if you are unhappy. From what you have said, your husband does not pull his weight, he talks down to you, dismisses your opinions and you don’t feel you can have discussions about things which interest you. Presuming you have tried to address these things with him, what you need to consider is

Can you afford to separate?
What about the children? Will you be able to co-parent amicably? Are you doing to end up the main carer and will you manage?
Do you think being single would be preferable? (Bearing in mind you might not meet someone else and if you do, stepfamilies can be hard to negotiate).

I am a single parent and the process of separating, particularly if the other party does not want to, is very difficult (I was leaving a controlling marriage and it was a nightmare). But preferable to the day to day feeling of being ground down and unhappy and the children are happier and have more autonomy as well.