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Original poster

My friendships

103 replies

ACovidofWitches · 28/02/2021 14:48

I have a close group of friends I've know for about 10 years. These are really clever, thoughtful people in their 40's. Two have a disability. Two have experienced domestic abuse that I know of. One experienced sexual abuse as a child (again it could be more than one)

Anyway, one posted on FB today about Janice Turner's latest article - and it turns out they all think she's awful. I had an inkling they didn't share my gender critical views but it's all coming out now. They think Janice has an agenda (that she's targeting vulnerable trans women in the way black women have been targeted by racists because it's a kind of sport, I suppose). They think transwomen experience the highest degree of abuse that any women experience and it's outrageous anyone could try to bar them from refuges. They are such clever people - how can they not see how many women have been murdered in the last year just for starters? They think women supporting Janice are doing terrible harm because if we would only let a tiny minority of trans women in our refuges, we could use our time and energy more wisely and actually achieve something useful.

Not one of these women has ever used a refuge or been in prison or hospital where they have felt incredibly vulnerable (none has children, so they haven't even been in hospital to give birth, for example). I have, in fact, been in one of those (it's the internet, I'm going to choose not to disclose more details) and I can say from horrible lived experience that single-sex provisions matter very profoundly.

I can't continue with these friendships. I believe very strongly in having a wide mix of friends with different beliefs. But I'm sitting here feeling so angry and sad that women could harm their own interests like this. They think their position is a kind one. They think they are being inclusive. I'm so upset, I didn't know what else to do but post here where people understand. I envy those of you who have friends who are on the same page. I hadn't realised these people I respected so much think so differently to me.

OP posts:
Daca · 28/02/2021 15:18

I think the fact that none of them has children explains a lot. Not saying this to annoy the childless posters on here but few experiences demonstrate the reality of sex as effectively as being pregnant and giving birth.

Maybe you could, very gently, suggest that your life experience - your truth - makes you reticent to just dismiss Janice Turner. And that you’re still a bit unsure as to what they mean by ‘trans’.

I’ve lost friends over this but that wasn’t my choice. If your friends choose to walk away, then that’s on them.

NonnyMouse1337 · 28/02/2021 15:12

It's always difficult to find out that people you are close to or respected can have some very fundamentally different viewpoints from yourself.

I think many women mean well and haven't really thought through the issues or looked at the evidence more carefully. People tend to mindlessly adopt viewpoints and stances that are popular in their peer group because it's usually not possible to examine every issue deeply. They assume that because they and their friends are nice people overall, that therefore if their peers support this particular issue it must be the right thing to do.

What I try to do on my social media is post articles and news items that focus on women and girls. So I post about sex selective abortions in places like India and China, FGM, articles about the levels of violence against women etc. I posted about the counting dead women project. I post about how women and men have different heart attack symptoms and so on.

The idea is to repetitively get the message across about the scale of violence against women and that it's not something we can simply identify out of... And also that there are biological differences between the sexes (remember use sex and not gender) that impact on our lives in various ways.

If you can spark off discussions around women focused issues, it might plant a seed in some women's minds that could cause them to question some of the TRA rhetoric further down the line?

MangoSplit · 28/02/2021 14:59

OP, rather than leave the friendship, wouldn't it be worth trying to engage them on the subject? Not on FB obviously - that could be a disaster - but when you can meet up face to face again. You may not be able to convince them, but then again you may be able to get them to question some of their beliefs. They sound like the kind of women who would be open to a sensible, measured debate on the subject.