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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

86 replies

Gooseygoosey12345 · 18/02/2021 13:12

My dd has spoken to her dad, who she asked to speak to me, about that fact that she feels like she's a boy and has done for some time. I can't express how I feel about this. I'm so confused and she's back this afternoon so I need to get my head on straight.

As a feminist this is really difficult for me to organise in my mind (if that makes sense). I've always held the view that gender is a social construct, we don't live by stereotypes and women's rights are a huge theme in our house. I don't believe you can change your gender.

However, she's my daughter, who I've raised to believe that her body is her own and the decisions that she makes for her body are hers (age appropriately).

I want to believe that this is a phase by I also understand that this language can be damaging. Understanding trans psychology is part of my training but putting that into practice when it's your own child is easier said than done, and there's 2 sides to that coin as well!

What do I do? At this point I feel she's far too young to actively do anything about it. She's mature for her age but she is still only 10 and I don't believe she understands the implications of what she's saying fully. She's asked to change her name which I'm not comfortable with yet, but then again, this isn't about me.

Any advice or experience would be gratefully received!

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/02/2021 14:10

I would ask why, in case it's being prompted by something that has happened that has made her uncomfortable - and has translated that as meaning she isn't feeling 'like a girl' should.
My DD is a few years older and we've been talking lots about everything recently and she's old enough now to reflect back on some things that she thought when younger, that were simply her not wholly understanding something. At the time I had assumed she understood to a greater degree than she had. I guess what I am trying to say, is children sometimes seem to understand more than they have simply because they didn't yet have that wider perspective and knowledge to see the limits. That comes with time.

persistentwoman · 18/02/2021 14:10

Some good responses here OP. The one thing I'd add is not to let this define her. Make sure that she doesn't spend too much online, monitor her internet usage to make sure she's not caught up with any of the dodgy sites / organisations and as others have suggested - listen to her, reassure her and (given the restrictions of lock down) try to make sure she's spending as much time as possible on hobbies, family activities, mum / daughter time etc.
She's very young and puberty is such a shock to girls.

midgedude · 18/02/2021 14:01

I have no evidence to support his claim that mrs faraday was a great experimental scientist , without whom Michael faraday would not have succeeded

midgedude · 18/02/2021 14:00

Speaking as a woman who called herself David as a child

Rather than question why, just take every opportunity to show unconditional love, to support her in any thing she does even if it seems strange for a girl. Find ways to make sure she knows about great women and how they have been mistreated

Some things that I remember so clearly are when helping my dad with some car maintenance, when my small girls hand would fit where his wouldn't . First time I had ever been proud to be female

When he was ranting about Rosalind Franklin , Helen Sharman

When he would point out , and so make explicit, everyday sexism

I love rock climbing community as it's a community that respects the physical differences between male and female climbers and dies not treat the female strengths of balance and flexibility as lesser to the male upper body strength and reach

LumpySpacedPrincess · 18/02/2021 13:53

What does she think a boy is that means she can become one? What can a female boy do that a female girl can't? Lot's of listening. It's important to address misconceptions too.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 18/02/2021 13:50

Thank you all! Yep, just started periods which I think has played a huge part. And also agree that I'm fine with cutting hair (which she didn't want to do last week), clothes etc. Really not keen on anything long term like name until she understand the implications, happy to change pronouns if she really wants as that also doesn't need to be long term if she discovers it's not what she wants. Binding and puberty blockers were out of the questions because, as you say, they have no benefit and do more harm than good.

I'll definitely start with the "why" questions. I want her to be able to have an open dialogue and ask the questions she needs to, I'm not sure if she knows what they are yet. I just want her to feel happy and supported. It's so hard to know if you're getting it right.

OP posts:
nauticant · 18/02/2021 13:38

I see "why? What makes you feel this way?" as part of clarifying what "becoming a boy" will mean, the reality being appearance, name, and pronouns, and then asking what differences they expect this will make to their life.

NancyDrawed · 18/02/2021 13:27

Like Beamur, I think if one of my children came out with this, the first thing I would ask is why? What makes you feel this way?

Is she in the early stages of puberty perhaps and therefore feeling a bit at odds with her body?

Dalyesque · 18/02/2021 13:24

Yes many of us might like to be boys sometimes when we think and are told that they have more fun/ power/ protections / money/ status, but we know that nobody can change their sex. I will support you in being the kind of girl and woman who can do all the things that you would like to do but you are valued as the girl you are. If someone is saying or doing something that makes you feel bad about Yourself as a girl, you can share it with me.

Beamur · 18/02/2021 13:19

If this were me, I'd approach it by asking her why she feels this way and if she wants to make some adjustments, to agree which are ok and which are not. I'd be ok with hair, clothes, we can talk about the name, but no to anything like binding.
As you'll be aware, it's not possible for a child to be prescribed puberty blockers now, so at least you can put that to one side. There are no advantages for girls in taking them anyway.
Keep talking, keep her physically grounded in positive ways to help her self esteem and body confidence in other ways. Reassure her of your love and support and don't trivialise her feelings but also let her understand that self knowledge is a journey, not a destination. If that makes sense.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/02/2021 13:18

I'm sure someone will be along in a sec. until they do these people might have some good advice:

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

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