Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

One of my DDs was a "boy" for about a year at the same age. We just let it wash past us and did not make an issue of it. She called herself Ben. It passed.

Mind you the year before she had been a dog!

I think it is important to accept it and show her tons of love, but not probe too much or make a big deal of it. It will come clear over time whether this is something that is likely to lead to something more permanent. But just now she is a child, and she is experimenting with who she is. Lots of girls quite fancy being a boy when their periods start - and who can blame them?

Lots of listening, acceptance and 'Come back to me or dad if there are things that are not working out for you, we can work things out together' and then refocus on to things around personal identity (what skills does she want to enjoy developing, what hobby groups does she want to be part of, what responsibilities is she ready for at home, what's great about her, how can she treat her body well and use it well as it changes).

She doesn't know what it means to feel like a boy. She means she feels like she prefers stereotypical boy things...

I would tell her that she cannot change her sex. Talk about xx chromosomes and the physical body. And that her body is not always going to be the same so she might feel differently during other stages in her life. Tell her that as a girl she has an advantage over boys in that she doesn't have to conform with gender stereotypes in the same way boys do. She can wear plain jean and t-shirt / hoodie / trainer in neutral colours. She can wear her hair short and do any sport she likes.

In my honest view unless there is a proper gender dysphoria situation which is very, very rare she is most likely to grow out of it.

I think the whole frilly, hyper sexualized way of styling up that is common among some a teen girl especially on social media must be most off putting for any smart and sensitive girl.

Explore what her interests are and look for new clubs and activities that make her feel like she fits in. I'd worry that she has been exposed to trans pr online. She probably doesn't fit in with her peers and is looking for explanations for this. The most likely explanation: she is either very smart and generally a bit non conforming, or possibly on the autistic spectrum.

@CharlieParley, I know but periods are not nice so much better to be on the other end of the spectrum. I’d see a dr and get those stopped for a few years.

The age range for the onset of menarche in the UK is 10 to 15, so 10 is a little early, but still normal.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomboy_(2011_film): This time a french film called 'Tom Boy'

Tomboy is a 2011 French drama film written and directed by Céline Sciamma. The story follows a 10-year-old gender non-conforming child, Laure, who moves to a new neighbourhood during the summer holiday and experiments with their gender presentation, adopting the name Mickaël.

Tomboy was released on DVD-Video and Blu-ray in the United Kingdom on 5 March 2012, and in the United States on 5 June 2012.

I bet she hates having her periods. I can’t imagine being 10 and having to deal with that...

That's a lovely post OP. It sounds as if you'll 'hold' her well through this.

Watchful waiting...

Definitely recommend watching TV shows with strong lesbian or bisexual characters.

I would try and find out what she means by that. Id also monitor the sites shes going on the internet.
I think at that age I made sure my daughter was aware that there were loads of types of women and personality types. Id talk about how annoying it is that girls are expected to be feminine and boys are expected to be masculine and how it just restricts people from expressing their true personality, because she can be as masculine as she likes and wear any clothes she likes and do anything that is supposed to be for boys, but doesnt mean she isnt a girl

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whale_Rider

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavenly_Body_(film)

www.theguardian.com/film/2012/jan/10/corpo-celeste-alice-rohrwacher-review

I'm trying to think of some age appropriate films you could watch together.

Personally, love coming of age films in which young girls ( or boys) struggle as they come up against the demands of society and their own developing sense of themselves. However, my favourites are mostly unsuitable for that age group.

There is a great New Zealand film called Whale Rider - about a young girl, who is of a similar age to your daughter, who comes up against the male inheritance tradition in Maori culture.

It's ultimately a very up-lifting and rewarding film. Perhaps you could check it out and see if you think it may be suitable for her?

Another one I love is Corpo Celeste. An Italian film, set in Calabria, and featuring a young girl - aged 12 - who struggles with the expectations put on her in a traditional catholic community. There is a great scene where she roughly cuts off her own long hair, in an act at once of penitence, but also, ultimately, of liberation

You seem really level-headed about this and it sounds like you've got a fantastic relationship with your daughter. Yes, I probably should have mentioned in my previous post, I was becoming aware of having feelings towards girls which was so at odds with the discussions girls were having about which boy they fancied. This did increase that feeling of 'otherness' between me and other girls. Knowing strong lesbian and bisexual role models would no doubt have helped me at that time.

I'm another one for asking her 'why?'. What is it about being female that might be scaring her? Has someone been making comments about her body, or interests or activities that she is not 'allowed' to do, being a girl? Is it the apparent social freedom males have that she's envying? Is it the behavioural expectations social media is feeding her? If so, ask her why she feels she needs to change herself, rather than wanting to change society into something less misogynistic. So many YA books and film franchises are about apparently powerless figures rebelling and fighting against huge bad forces - the answer to patriarchal power is to be a freedom fighter like Rey or Frodo, not join the Stormtroopers.

As another woman who went through this (was known as Tom for about 2 years) I would second showing unconditional love and showing you are there for her without placing too much pressure on providing explanations. I think talking when it feels right, but backing off if things become heated is probably a reasonable balance. I had short hair, boys clothes and remember getting a real kick out of someone thinking I was a boy. My mum never said much about it and over time the desire passed. Knowing there were no particular battles with my parents about it meant I could gradually grow my hair or change clothes without lots of pressure or uncomfortable conversations.

When I reflect on that time, I now know it came from a place of really low self esteem. By removing myself from the 'girl group' I was probably trying to prevent comparisons between me and other girls as I had an overwhelming feeling that they were all somehow different and superior to me. I don't think I spent much time actually considering the benefits of being a boy and I certainly never thought ahead to growing up as a man and being like my dad. I realise everyone has their own experiences but for me it really had very little to do with actually thinking I identified with other boys.

10 is so very young to be faced with having to deal with period for so many years

Is 10 not the average age for period onset, now? I know it's come down in recent years.

@Gooseygoosey12345 already some great answers here OP 😊 I think it’s also worth remembering...DD has felt confident enough to voice this to her parents so clearly she feels able to talk to you! Lots of children go through things...whether “phases” or something more...and bottle everything up. Make sure you keep the conversation open for her 😊

You say you’re not comfortable with a name change at the moment. If DD says that’s what she would like is there a “less feminine” nickname that could be taken from her current name that you could suggest to her? That might make exploring any possible changes easier for both of you?

Forgive me OP but I wondered if you might be separated from her father? No judgement on whether you are or you aren't but I wondered if you lived together? Maybe she just asked him to tell you for some other reason, I agree with Midge and wouldn't ask why, just let her know you can talk if she wants. Having just started her periods aged 10 that's a likely trigger for this I imagine. That's so awful for her, 10 is so very young to be faced with having to deal with period for so many years. Asking why might make her have to justify it and explain it and it could lead to you being under pressure to take action otherwise you are 'unsupportive'.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you anything about socially transitioning a child of that age and what harm it can do. Once you have got more from her about what's behind it you can decide what, if anything you need to do or tell the school. I'm wording this badly but I just hope the school don't go full on with her at school at the mere whiff of her feeling differently about her body now, even a hair cut would raise eyebrows from some woke teachers.

A friend had something similar with her youngest at a similar age. She had very long hair and had it cut very short but there was no name or pronouns change and at every question the mother was asked she just said it made the daughter more comfortable. I think even a pronoun or name change would have been disastrous but she was as a Stonewall champion school at the time.

Active listening is a wonderful way of helping a child feel safe, supported and heard. Agree with posters above, reassure your daughter, spend extra time with her, allow space and time for her to discuss things, ask questions, etc.

Also, I would monitor and manage her internet usage. I would advise this for any child of that age, tbh! But there is so much disinformation and nonsense on the internet, and children's critical thinking skills are so nascent, I would be especially careful about what they are exposed to.