Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

Get her off the internet. One of our kids was being taught by other kids at the age of 8 to join the LGBTQ group and declare their pronouns. And please read Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shreir.

I recommend the Gender Dysphoria Support Network. I'm also a parent and they hold online support meetings for parents, I've found them helpful www.genderdysphoriasupportnetwork.com

well said @SingToTheSky.

My 13yo has been saying she doesn’t feel like a girl as well as being really stressed trying to figure out her sexuality. We had a few big conversations about what identity is. We tried describing people like her aunt who is gay. And then showed her how “woman” (with short hair) and “lesbian” were only part of who she is, she is also great at X, is lovely and kind and funny, enjoys Y and Z etc.

Also reminded her how when she was little she got annoyed at boys in her class being teased for wearing princess dresses - we even had to talk to the teacher about it. She used to get annoyed at having to go in the boy’s section for dinosaur clothes because it showed people thought only boys liked dinosaurs, she used to shout at sexist TV adverts. Deep down she knows these stereotypes are wrong, I think most kids do.

She sees me wearing jeans and trainers, not wearing make up, using a backpack and never a handbag. Do those things make me less of a woman? She could see it clearly doesn’t. The fact 11yo DS has a bed covered in cuddlies doesn’t make him girly either. It really helped to talk these stereotypes through.

We also talked about how unfortunately being female can be crap. We have the periods, the bras, the pressure to dress and behave in a certain way (really bad at her school) and now she’s 13 and getting curves - attention from men just from walking in the street 🤬 she also had a horrible experience with her first boyfriend at school pressuring her. She can see how all that has made it feel safer not to be female :( (I know much of this is likely irrelevant to OP but if others are reading...). She loves Kpop boy bands and has realised in the past that part of this is the fact they don’t present super “manly” and in the millions of YouTube videos she watches of them mucking about, sweet and funny and unthreatening, nothing at all like the boys and men she has been around at school/town.

The other thing we talked about was the pandemic. A lot of our identity is about how others see us - what we do for hobbies etc. This is hard now - she’s not dancing, not going to cadets, she’s not got her identity as a student and getting feedback from teachers. So it’s natural to want to explore something, anything that makes you different right now, because we have less in lockdown to show us who we are. Even experimenting with hair/fashion doesn’t make so much difference because you can’t be seen in it.

Sorry I’m waffling. It’s just fresh in my mind as it’s been an angst ridden time! DD1 is autistic and has processing issues that mean she is easily led. But I think talking through the above has helped a bit, as has reducing her internet use (I deeply regret ever letting her on tiktok). She asked me to cut her hair quite short and she loves it and I’ll probably get her some different clothes as she’s currently borrowing DH’s geeky t-shirts and was even wearing joggers for the first time in years. But I just have to remind her that she’s still exactly the same person as the days when she wears a skirt. :)

I would ask what she thinks being a boy means - how is it different from being a girl? She might hate having periods (who doesn't?) But boys have to put up with embarrassing erections when they least want them, with suddenly squeaky voices and years of ugly bum fluff on their faces.
They have a place between their legs so sensitive that if someone kicks it they feel sick for hours. They get mocked if they are short (might be an issue for transmen) or have small hands and feet. They are more likely to get hit and badly hurt in fights or attacked by strangers. They can't give birth and they've pretty much never got over that injustice as a sex. Just point out that it's not all greener on that side of the field.

Aside from bodily differences, everything else she wants from boy-life, she can have as a girl - she can dress how she likes, do what she wants, play with who she wants, choose her own toys, subjects at school etc. The whole world is hers, as she is.

Is she getting unsettling male attention now that she is in puberty? It's understandable that some girls might feel safer as 'boys' as an attempt to shield themselves.
I spent a few years wanting to be a boy. It was all about the privilege I saw
Both of these were massively important in me wanting to be a boy. I wanted freedom to do what I wanted and not be hassled or discriminated against. It was totally about privilege. Nowadays I’d probably be told I was trans.

Incognito browsing is another possibility.
Look out for sites like Discord (might not have spelt that right). DD tells me some of her peers use that - can be very iffy. Despite all the internet safety training at school they are still talking about intimate issues with strangers.
One of DD's friends was talking to someone'helpful' on Discord about binding but luckily one of her other friends actually pulled her up on the wisdom of discussing this with some random in the internet.

Most 10y old girls want to be boys don't they? I certainly did. Why wouldn't you.

At about that age I wanted to be a boy too. Largely because of the negative stereotypes associated with being female, which I felt were ruining my life. Your family may not follow gender stereotypes but the rest of the world does, and it can be very restrictive. I’ve spent my whole life opposing those stereotypes and I’m still fighting. I purposely use a gender neutral nickname for work to avoid discrimination. People eventually meet me and are surprised I’m female. I still sometimes think it would be easier to just declare myself male but I can’t see DH being happy about that!

OP - is it possible that she's picking this up from school? Is it a 'Stonewall champion'? I know they're over keen to work in primary schools and there's been some dreadful materials out there from groups aimed at very young children that are pure gaslighting? A lot of schools have completely failed to exercise due diligence in what materials they use.
Having said that, I'd not ask too many questions, but just carry on as everyone's suggested with ensuring that this issue is not magnified and focus on all the other aspects of her life that will contribute to her emotional health and wellbeing while keeping a watchful eye on what sites she's accessing.

If her browser history or her YouTube history is thin, that suggests she's been deleting things.
We had to stop DS (9) going on YouTube even on the kids app (for different reasons, we stopped the main YouTube app ages ago), as it is so poorly regulated. Even the 7-12 age Kids app is awful for aggression.

I went through the same OP, it just seemed like everything about being a woman was shit, I was very much a 'Tom boy'. I even told a teacher that I wanted to be a boy and gave him my boy name. I shudder to think what would happen if I did that now. It just seemed like boys did all the fun stuff, lead exiting lives and girls got all the mundane jobs. My parents had many faults but they really did do a good job of finding books (fiction and non-fiction) and films with strong female role models relevant to my interests and didn't really make a big issue of it. I was also allowed to dress in very boyish clothes. I am also bisexual and that was very confusing as I knew what straight and gay were but had no idea that it is perfectly normal to fancy both.
20 years down the line I love being a woman and I am still amazed at what the female body can do. I would still rather do without periods

We've always been open and honest about the issue and that you can't change your gender

Anyone can change their gender, for example just by adopting more sex same or opposite sex stereotypes. It's sex that can't be changed. Sex vs gender is critical to understanding what's going on. This might seem pedantic but unless you have a clear sense of what you're talking about then what you say will be muddled and will create further uncertainty.

I spent a few years wanting to be a boy. It was all about the privilege I saw and I can see that clearly now though I am not sure I did at the time. What is concerning is what is available online now to influence people. I would definitely look at her browsing history and check for any chat apps downloaded you may be unaware of.

[quote Gooseygoosey12345]@drspouse that's exactly what she said.. now I do think so yes! How on earth is that happening? She has every restriction on there [/quote]
Could her friends be passing it on?
I would look carefully at her browsing history- and see if anything's been deleted - what apps is she allowed? Can she install things? Does she have a phone?

I'm surprised more people haven't advised you to be truthful to your daughter and tell her that it is not possible for a girl to become a boy. Playing along with the fairytale and confusing children is not being kind, Keira made that clear.

We did call her Ben for a while OP - but always said with a twinkle in the eye on both sides. She is happily married with two children.

The difficulty now is that it is such an "issue" that it looms larger in people's minds than it should. We did not bat an eyelid when DD did this - it was just another part of her childhood and growing up. I dread to think what would happen now - everyone (school etc.) would latch onto it and it would become a big deal, with people jostling to show how cool and accepting they are and fuelling the embers into something they are not. .

I have another young close relative who has declared she wishes to be a boy and that dates to the start of her periods. She is a a bit older than my DD was. A big deal is being made of it. Where is her escape route now without losing face if it turns out to one phase of growing up?

I think such children just need tons of love and to know that that is unconditional. No need to delve too deeply at this stage - just give her space and time and guidance when she asks for it. Either it will pass or it won't but no bridges will have been burned (either physical or emotional).