Calling all “older mums”

a collective Butterworth gasp -

I wish I'd done it a bit younger, to be really honest. I'm knackered, and had I started younger, I would have likely had another child. I find I am less and less able to handle things like sleep deprivation as I get older. Also, looking ahead the children will likely not have grandparents for as long as might have been possible, had I been a bit younger.

However, circumstances weren't right. It was definitely worth waiting until I was with the right partner. So - I had mine mid-30s. School playground is an interesting leveller, there are parents/carers of all ages there, from late teens to mid 40s. All ages will have their plusses and minuses, I suppose., and everyone's circumstances are different. We can't get round the bodily realities of having children, though, which are that fertility doesn't last forever and we all get older.

No one has the right to question you on whether or it you want to have children, I would focus on being assertive and shutting those sort of conversations down.

But to answer your exact question, I had a baby at 42, I personally would not have wanted to have a child in my 20s or 30s. If I hadn't had a child at all it would not behave been a major disappointment in my life. I much preferred being an 'older' parent, I was financially (& emotionally) secure, I didn't need to juggle career, money and childcare ... it was the right decision for me, but may not be for others.

And no one ever asked me 'did I want children?', 'why did I leave it late?' Or 'why did you only have one child.'. Maybe I am lucky in that people I know are respectful and don't ask personal questions, but equally I am fully confident and happy with my decisions so may I just gave the impression of being self assured in my lifestyle choices.

I'm in two minds about the career establishment first. It's what I diid, and what we're advised to do. However, I saw that the women who'd had their children first were now able to focus on their careers with far less interruption for childcare now theirs were older and more independent

I agree - I'd say the safest times to have children are early before you start your career, then train once they're school age, or late once you're relatively senior (though that's taking a huge gamble on your fertility - I was lucky).

Wasn't being pissy, Errol - just wasn't clear to me from OP that it was being framed as a specifically feminist issue (incidentally I think you'd get pretty similar responses anywhere on the site, because I think all women trying to juggle paid employment with the decision of when and whether to have children face similar issues, whether or not they'd describe themselves as feminists).

Which I guess is a way of saying all women need feminism because all women are hit by the patriarchy, whether or not they think of themselves as feminists.

Actually, for my circle, 28 would have been considered old! I remember announcing at school that I didn't intend to start a family until I was 26 - there was a collective Butterworth gasp from my classmates
They all started families in their late teens and early 20s and are all grandparents now.
In the event, I had miscarriage problems and my first was born in my early 30s; my second in my 40s.
Menopause and other age-related health issues have made things difficult, but not impossible.

I'm in two minds about the career establishment first. It's what I diid, and what we're advised to do. However, I saw that the women who'd had their children first were now able to focus on their careers with far less interruption for childcare now theirs were older and more independent.
My career was wrecked: I was managed out when I had my first baby and that's still a problem for so many women, hence Pregnant Then Screwed. So I'd say you need to be sure of your employer as well as your partner.

I had mine at 33 and 35, OP. As a junior hospital doctor, in the days when we worked over 100 hours a week, while also trying to study for postgrad specialist qualifications, there was no way I could have had DC and kept working.
Plus I was far too young to consider motherhood - I was too busy enjoying my limited free time with DH and didn’t feel in the least maternal until I passed 30.

You're absolutely right this is a feminist issue, OP; you get asked this and men don't because of your sex. I've no idea why you got a few pissy responses - probably the time you posted, the small hours pick up people who are bored rather than really wanting to be helpful I suppose. Well, you don't need to explain yourself or apologise to them and you don't need to do that with people who ask intrusive questions about your plans re parenthood either.

I'm definitely an 'older mum', I'm 60 now . I was completely unbothered about having kids, I had a job I loved (ditto husband and dog), and oddly enough no one ever asked me about it. I suppose I was lucky enough (it should be the norm, not luck) to be respected and valued for reasons other than my breeding potential.
It wasn't till we were 35 and I'd ended up working from home rather than a long commute that DH raised it. Then it emerged I have PCOS - so it took a little while and I had DD at 38. I acquired some 'mum friends' of similar age via the NCT so all good. We had enough money for a nanny, and then later I was able to drop to part time - this probably wouldn't have been the case if I wasn't established in my role. I really did get the best of both worlds... I've still got the job I love and DD, is a wonderful young woman.

The only way potential parenthood has ever come up with her was she and DH making a spreadsheet for how much student loan repayments would cost, with variations according to whether she had career breaks/part time - or not. What she does with her life is her business.

In hindsight, if I'd known I might want kids I might have been more alert to the possibility of fertility problems. But other than that - if anyone had asked me about when I was going to start a family they'd have got a hard stare and 'when, and if, I'm good and ready'. If they persist then maybe challenge them as to whether they'd harass a man with intrusive questions.

It's no ones business except yours and your other half.

Had mine at 38. I had established my career, earned great money which left me in a great position when I left the idiot partner when DD was 1.

I could afford a live in nanny as a single mum so I could continue my career and buy another house etc

There are pros and cons but there are two things I would say.

Wait until you are ready
Always be financially independent

28 would have been incredibly young in my circles. I have one friend who had a baby at 28 and now (that baby is now at university) she says she doesn’t know what the rush was. Most of us had our children, if we had children at all, at 35+. When I wad my son, a few months before turning 40, three other women in my NCT group of 8 were older.

I was 36 and 39 and guess I'm lucky but can't say I find it any more tiring or taxing than would have done if it happened ten years earlier. Managed to drop a day at work and at a bit of a career dead end presently, but happy enough for the family time right now.

27-30 was the best time of my life, it would have been way too young for me. There was a 50/50 split in my NCT group of around 28-30 and 37-40. There was all kinds of miscarriage stories, IVF and good and bad pregnancies.

You sound like you are fine as you are, you are under pressure and you see others starting families in your friendship group so feel you should be doing the same. Screw that, screw all of that.

I disagree that men don't have any pressure, though it's less and biological they can father children until they stop having sex but no man wants to be Bernie Ecclestone and my man didn't want to be an 'older dad'!

My wise friend in HR says that if you take mat leave in your 20s you never achieve a higher salary as you would as if you take the mat leave in your 30s. The career break basically halts the progress you're making. Though not true for everyone of course that has proven true in the mothers I know.

So if your friends and family are putting pressure on you be safe in the knowledge that you will probably be earning more money and can afford to take a break or accord the childcare more easily in your 30s than your 20s.

Had DD at 37, now pregnant with DC2 at 41. I had a good time in my 20s and early 30s, moving to different countries, doing an MBA, building a career, exploring things. Met DH at 30, got married at 35. I still think it was absolutely the right path for me. I'm now financially stable, have career options that allow me to ramp up and down workwise without compromising on seniority, and i don't feel like I missed out on anything. I'd probably be less tired if i was 10 years younger and 7 months pregnant, but hey ho.

You do what feels right- if anyone tells you you're doing it wrong just tell them you know what you're doing, thank you very much.

Had baby 1 in mid 20s and baby 2 in mid 30s. Each was different in many ways, some good, some not so good. If I could turn back time, I’d do exactly the same thing though. All I will say is, you don't have children to keep up with your peers or to please your family.

Older mum here (why do you dislike the word 'older'? But anyway). Becoming a parent in my 40s was wonderful. Blew me away. I didn't have children before then because I wasn't interested. I recommend a simple 'I don't want to' if people are rude enough to ask.

But there are downsides. I have one child because it was too late for a second. That makes me sad and I worry for him having no siblings if we become infirm and when we die.

Plus I was very lucky and got pregnant at the first serious attempt. Many women are not so fortunate.

Tell them to eff off its none of their business. I can't bear the way people think reproductive choices are public property. Find a phrase you can repeat like a broken record when someone asks you like 'not yet' then say nothing more. Nada. Embrace the awkward pause and let them fill it. It's not your problem. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your choices.

(I was 34 when I had dd and many of my friends has their first later than me. I was a complete nutcase at 28, no way was I ready to have a child).

I had mine at 37 and 39 so definitely comfortably in the category of older mum. This age was the norm for my friendship group and family, mostly professional women. I echo what a pp said and recommend choosing your partner wisely.
My dd is only 10 and gorgeously sweet and enquiring, so she asks me what age is the best age to have children (she's sincere, and I love that she trusts my opinion so much and I'm painfully aware this won't last much longer)
I tell her to see the world and live life to the fullest first. I also tell her motherhood is not for everyone so she might decide later she doesn't want kids.
I was embarking on a second degree at 28, but I was in many ways very immature and didn't particularly want to settle down. It took nearly another 10 years for me to even consider starting a family.

The biggest issues I’ve found having had a child at 40 is that the grandparents on each side were fairly elderly and have not been able to help with childcare which meant no evening or night off when a break was needed and also I am now perimenopausal which is very, very tiring and often makes me really grumpy.

But i was too irresponsible in my 20s and 30s and didn’t meet my ex until I was mid 30s so children weren’t an option until then.

Hi @Tuesday2021 my youngest I had in my early 40s and struggled way more health wise during and after than my other 2, although I was way more relaxed looking after him than I was with the others. I regret now not doing a lot with him compared to my older children because I am more tired, i also regret having a large age difference and being asked by his teacher if I was his Nana!

You're right OP. It's rare to see a man criticised for wanting to establish a career before having children but it is still depressingly common for women to be seen as selfish or "bad" in some way for doing the same. Admittedly the biological issues are a bit different, but many of the objections that people raise to having children at a later point in life are equally applicable to men, but you don't tend to see the same criticism levelled at men.
Personally, I didn't even start to want children til I was 30, and I still had professional exams to do at that age. As soon as they were done we started trying and I was lucky enough to get pregnant right away, so I had my first at 31, then two more, the youngest being born when I was 39.
Relatively unusual for the time, my Mum also had her children late. She was 42 when I was born. So I didn't see it as particularly unusual and certainly never viewed it as a negative thing. My parents were keen that I got my career sorted and never put any pressure on me to have children, but I think my MIL expected me to come back from honeymoon pregnant. She made it very clear that she disapproved of my career but I never attempted to justify myself to her. As far as I see it, only 2 people had a right to express an opinion on if/when we had children and that was me and DH. I refused to legitimise anyone's attempts to interfere by discussing it with them. I'd never heard the term "grey rock" at the time, but that's effectively how I handled it. And I got very skilful about changing the topic of conversations.
There are pros and cons to having children at any age. What matters is that you and your partner pick what you feel is best for you. You don't have to justify that to anyone. For me, in very broad terms, the downsides are not having quite as much energy as when younger - I certainly found sleepless nights harder to cope with at nearly 40 compared to just over 30 - and the fact that if any of my children have children of their own I'm going to be a pretty old grandma. It does make me a bit sad that only my eldest really has any memories of my late parents when they were still healthy and active. But on the plus side, I had passed all my exams and was in a senior position by the time I had children. That brought financial security and made home vs work balance easier for me as I had more control over my working day than I did when I was climbing the ladder in junior positions. I was still working longish hours but less than when I was younger and I wasn't then coming home and trying to study for hours every evening too. But the biggest thing is that we had our children when we were both ready and very much wanted them. It's not always been easy, but overall we've done ok and we are a happy family. I suspect that if we had given in to the pressure to have babies sooner things wouldn't have been so good.

I think perhaps your friends and family are worrying about your fertility. I’m sure you’re aware that it declines with age. And yes to whoever said that the physical act of being pregnant is so much easier under the age of 35.

I think the biggest issues you will find to impeding your career and being a mother is a) what sort of father your partner is willing to be b) how willing you will be when baby arrives to give up primary carer roles. More women (and men) need to have these conversations before marriage and before they are trapped into depressing and possibly abusive lives.

You cannot have it all unless you have a supportive partner or some serious support from grandparents.

I have learnt a lot from studying successful men. They have supportive partners who want to be primary carers and the men themselves never get the call from school or take p/t roles. They have no parental guilt for choosing to pursue a career for the mutual benefit of their families.

It’s not always easy to share the primary parenting role with your partner, nor is it wrong to change your mind on that score, but if you end up partnering with a man who expects you to default as primary carer and be the one to take all the parental leave, then your career is much likely to suffer.

My DH and I shared parental leave with our first, then for my second I changed my mind, I just wanted to be home with them. My employer had pigeonholed me and were very clearly managing me out of the workplace. I became a sahm in my late 30s and had my last child. When going back to work I never mentioned my children and my DH became the default go to person for childcare and school. We are prioritising my career now and he is happy to do that.

So look at your partner, If you are both the ‘alpha’ type one of you is going to be disappointed. You by essence of biology will be more likely to be pushed into primary carer role because of the nature of infants and being pregnant and recovering from birth. You will be at your most vulnerable, and you will soon see how vulnerable in society new mothers are.

My DH is thankfully not an alpha career type and I joke but it’s true, is more housewife than I right now. I have absolutely no mum guilt for pursuing a career again. I am like I was at 29, I am upset I lost a decade to the patriarchy but the consolation price was my children (not all bad).

Puberty and menopause in the same small flat is not a good combination though..

I didn't have kids until I was 33...I had loads of fun before then and wasn't even partnered up until 33 (baby and husband happened at same time). Then, one more before 40 and I felt fulfilled.

Just one thing to note...baby at 33 was physically easier than baby at 38.

Another great thing about getting older, peer influence and comparing oneself to timelines of friends is far less important. Biggest advice I can give you - is don't worry what your friends and family are doing - this is YOUR life.

I just told everyone I didn't want them, until I got pregnant bwahahaha. I was late 30s and it worked for me.

And I think it's interesting that you are so bothered about using the phrase 'older mum'. There's nothing wrong or shameful with being older in Feminism! I wonder if you generally really struggle with people getting offended or disliking things you say.

Honestly life gets easier when you just embrace it. "Why aren't you getting pregnant?" "None of your beeswax nosy" or "mind your own" or just "reasons" with an icy glare. It's very liberating! You don't to justify yourself. To us for saying older mums or to them for your choices.