Calling all “older mums”

I had my first baby when I was 34. I didn't consider myself in a position to have children until I had a permanent contract in the post I wanted to achieve.

I'm extremely glad that I did that, as I have seen colleagues at a lower rung on the ladder stuck there. I am also relatively "stuck", but the difference being it's a rung that I'm happy on.

I had my second when I was 40. It's a bit later than I would have liked due to 3 years of unexplained secondary infertility, but it is what it is.

I didn't find it harder and I didn't find myself particularly special in having a baby at that age, I'd just have liked a smaller gap between my children.

Something to ponder though, you DONT HAVE TO HAVE CHILDREN. It's about 50/50 amongst my female friends, now in/approaching our 50s.

I've got to say, I've only got one friend who had a child under 30 - that maybe says something about the circles I move in, but when I was having my second and was talking to a midwife about my age, she said that the average age of a first time mother in my (relatively affluent urban area) was 34.

I have had babies in my teens, 20s, 30s and my last in my 40s. Your first is utterly exhausting regardless of age as you are not accustomed to the sheer awfulness of sleep deprivation. I think the strength of your relationships plays a huge part in ease of parenting, I lost my parents in my 20s (they’d disowned me in my teens anyway) but I know of many Mums in their 40s who have healthy and committed grandparents (and partners) around. At the end of the day, you have to find the inner strength to simply do YOUR life, it does not matter what anyone else thinks, Find that strength and you will have the serenity to make your own parenting/non-parenting choices.

My mum had me at 38, brother at 40 and sister at 42. Dad is 3 years older. Mums parents had her young-ish I would say (mid 20s). Dads parents were older (mid 30s)

At school (private which yes matters IMO) most of my peers had parents of a similar age. I think the youngest parent had their first DC at 32/33. It wasn’t until I left school I realised people had children younger and it was alien to me in all honesty. Without being judgemental I find middle/upper class tend to have babies later in life, working classes earlier. Of course there are exceptions.

I’m 25 with a 13 month old DD (complete surprise)- I didn’t want children until at least 35 and ideally closer to 40 and any future DC won’t be happening until at least then!

I'm an 'older mum' who wasn't interested in having kids until much later (mid 40s!). You have to totally accept that you might not have the longer you leave it but the experience of being a mum is just the same whatever age you are. I had a lifetime of friends and family having their kids but never felt that as a pressure. Even my own mum's increasingly thinly disguised panic at the passing years! You'll know when it's right for you.

Had my first and only at 38. I found it really hard to meet a husband-I’d been wanting to settle down since I turned 30 but it didn’t happen for quite awhile
Unfortunately by the time I felt ready to have another child (when my daughter started school) I also felt I didn’t want to give up the freedom Id finally got back and I also felt too old to have another.
DD was a terrible sleeper and this broke me so try not to leave it as late as I did!

To add - none of my closest friends have had any dc, (all late 40s/early 50s now) and it hasn't changed the friendships at all. I might not be available as much, or what I'm doing with my ds might not be their thing, but it hasn't affected the actual friendships, they're just as strong.

I'm an older mum. Had my one and only ds at 40. He was planned. I have absolutely no regrets about having him a bit later. I look back at my 20s and 30s with great joy, and wouldn't change a thing - I made the right decision entirely.

I didn't get pregnant until I was 34, had our Son at 35.

I wouldn't not have been ready in my 20's, It just wasn't on my radar at all, and I definitely wouldn't be the mother I am now had I done it earlier. It really doesn't matter what all your friends are doing, although it does feel like it at the time, it is what feels right for you.

Having enough money will probably not be considered as I think people can always think they need more money, security to have a child, not that you have to explain yourself to absolutely anyone, but Just not wanting them yet, is a perfectly viable answer

Yes I am at a different stage now to most my friends, but its the right stage for me, my husband and more importantly, we are in the right stage for our son, to be the best we can for him.

When you feel 'the urge' is the right time imo.

Don't do it because your friends are, don't wait because some Mums choose to establish their career first.

You have absolutely no idea what will happen in life. I waited until I got to a certain level in my profession and into a job which I could drop to pt hours.

Did that for 10 years then had to leave to become a ft carer for two of my three children who are disabled. So now I bring in carers allowance and whatever else I earn from my tiny sewing business.

I married a much younger man so in the early days we relied on me for money and now we rely on him.

Energy wise, I had dc3 at 40 and felt great, certainly no more tired than with my first at 34. The only thing I would say if if you want four, I would bear in mine that time does run out.

I’m not an older mum, I was mid to late 20s when my two were born. It wasn’t intentional although only a few years early.

As we’re in London I wish we’d waited because all the other mums were 35 plus and we couldn’t afford a bigger house. Plus my career wasn’t at the right point so it screwed me up especially. You may not have these issues.

Less specific, having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, but it can feel like it at times. Your relationship takes a back seat big time. You can travel but it’s a massive chore. Kids are way more work than the romantic ideal in the media or social media. You should only have them when and if you want them. Not wanting to is a valid reason. Wanting to prioritise enjoying your relationship or career is valid. I had friends who wanted to travel to x, y and z places before kids.

As a woman, especially if you become a mother, you can never do anything right. Ignore that and just do your life the way you, and your OH, want.

@Tuesday2021. I apologise for being rude.

And yes your right it is feminism issue and I wasn’t looking at it in that way, I’m am in defence biting mode as not only for having child in what is referred to old but my daughter doesn’t want kids but feels that somehow she failing as all her cousins are in relationships having babies. It was bad enough with has she got a boyfriend. Don’t she have a boyfriend, has she tried meeting men etc etc. I past explaining & justify why not that I just bite snap now.

Still that is no excuse for me being rude, so I do sincerely apologise.

I have friends with similar jobs to me and dh, and children similar ages to ours. Friendships that mostly developed through taking our dc to the same nurseries and schools. Most of us are educated to at least first degree level. So we are comparable in many ways. There is an age difference of about 12 years between the oldest mother and the youngest mother, and a greater in the ages of the fathers. We're bog-standard middle class.

It is blindingly obvious that all the older parents are financially more comfortable than the younger parents. That 10 years of income has made a huge difference.

I don't think that there's much difference in parental tiredness, probably because the older ones will have been able to buy in help (eg cleaners) when they needed.

Those of us who had their last babies in their early 40s found it much much tougher than their earlier babies. OTOH the younger mothers also found everything tougher and more exhausting with subsequent babies! But in this case you only know your own feelings, it's too subjective to really compare.

I had my dc1 at 33. IIRC at the time the average age of first pregnancy in an unmarried woman in a stable relationship was 29, and for a married woman was 31. And it was increasing. I was not seen in any way as unusual. Unlike my dm in the 60s, who was considered old for a married first-timer at 29. Literally - it said elderly in her notes.

I agree it depends on your circle of friends, I had my daughter when I was 29, I was a single parent however had a good income my daughter attended private school, I was frequently mistaken for the nanny, I was the youngest mum by around 6 years and one of my closest school mum friends was 48 when she had her daughter, our children were good friends, same age.

The baby group I attended I was the oldest mum by quite some distance, my closet friend at the group was 18 so 10 years younger.

It becomes more difficult to have children as you get older. At a certain point, it becomes impossible.

My friends started having babies in their early thirties.

Most women at work had babies in their mid 30s - early 40s. 28 is very young in my circle.

Wasn't being pissy, Errol

I know, I didn't mean you, Cara.

There is so much great advice in this thread OP.

I think that the only right time to have kids is when it's right for you. Of my daughters (I have 3 in their early twenties) only 1 is confident that she wants kids. The others are not keen at the moment. Who knows what the future brings - we are allowed to change our minds as many times as suits. Your body, your choice.

I would second the post regarding the importance of you and DP being on the same page. Your aspirations might not get counted if you're not communicating.

What to say to the wider world? Being really direct isn't comfortable for me so my suggestion is "thats a big personal and ethical question and a bit deep for right now. Would you like a drink?". If they don't take the hint first time, they soon will.

BW

I'd agree, this is a feminist issue and something that men rarely get asked!
I was mid 30's before I felt ready, physically I took a while to fall pregnant and had a couple of miscarriages, so it did begin to feel as if time was against me. There's also a bit less wiggle room if you want more than one child.
But as an older mum you do have more time to secure your career and have a decent job to go back to, if that's what you want to do.

That aside.
I'm an older mother. Love it. Financially more secure.
Love being able to give all and not feel its a burden or that I'm unwitting to give so much.
No competing interests between social life, work versus child at this stage as I'd rather be child and family centric. I've done so much already, that not travelling every month isn't a loss as I'm gaining so much more.
However, I won't lie, I'm saddened that health issues have crept up on me. It is definitely harder getting up off the floor and doing some of the more physical activities. We still do lots, but incomparable to my ability 20 years beforehand. And that is sad for me and my child, that it isn't quite as I'd like. However, I'd never not have had my child. And am so glad that I was fortunate enough to get pregnant at all, as was told I was infertile before your age@Tuesday2021. But I think that even 5 years earlier, would have been better for my physical health, but not for our financial security...

However, as someone who has previously suffered with infertility, I would say that you should know that fertility declines after the age of 30. Look up the stats and don’t assume you can have children whenever you want. You do need to get the information and make some kind of plan. Assume nothing.

The ‘right time’ will never arrive. Don’t be deceived by that and don’t leave it too late if you do want children. No job, no mortgage is worth risking the chance of not having children (to me, at least). Personally I don’t understand people who say they want to ‘live their life first’ before having children. Life doesn’t stop when you have them and having them reasonably young mean you’re still young when get to adulthood, quite apart from the fact you can enjoy ‘living life’ with them. That’s fun in its on right.

Consider all views along with the evidence. Play devil’s advocate with yourself and that will help you prioritise what you want in life. Imagine all the scenarios and how you’d feel in each.

The most important thing is to only have children if you want to, not because you think you should. That applies whatever your age.

I had mine at 33 and 36. I didn'tmeet my dh until I was 29. Among friends of pretty much exactly my own age (my year at university), I was one of the first to have my first baby. 28 seems pretty young to me!

During my 30s, I wanted children as all my friends were having them. Then I moved past that as I wasn't in a stable relationship, I then met my DH at 40, I knew instantly he was 'the one', I knew at that point I was happy to have children with him and give up my career. But, obviously that is my story and I can't speak for anyone else.

I had one at 30 and one at 42.

The one at 42 is now 14. If l had my time again I’d never have one as late.

With the one at 30, l was kind of youngish with him. Still in touch with stuff he liked. Financially it was OK.

42, although l keep young and try to keep up to date, I’m miles out. But the biggest hit has been health wise. As l got older l had a very active job. I had lots of pain issues to mange. Same job as with the one at 30. Mental health went down after menopause, and I’m knackered all the time in a way l never was when younger. Both Dh and l want to retire or drop days as working is harder when you get older. But we can’t afford to.

My honest advice is have them as young as you can. Whilst you are young, resilient and supple!

*The very best age to have children is when you're ready. It can turn out fine if it happens and you're not ready, but best is when you want.
*
Pretty much this.

Mine was 34, 37, and (will be) just turned 40. Wouldn't have wanted to do it earlier, and not just for career reasons - though you're going to take a career hit whenever you have kids, so there's a question of when that hit will be least hard - for me that's definitely now, as I'm senior enough to have a financial cushion, and flexibility in how I work (as I'm more valuable to my company now than when I was 28).

But there were also relationship reasons: I was with my DH from 25, but we wanted to enjoy loads of time with each other before adding children into the mix and I don't regret that for a second.

And there were life experience reasons - for me 25-34 were (very fortunately) years of having just enough disposal income to do fun and interesting things (travel, a masters, renovate a flat, learn new skills) before being constrained by children (because young children do constrain you, even though I'm general happy to be constrained cause they're great).

Basically my children are amazing and my life is richer for having them, but it is also richer for having all the things I had before them. Some people will be ready at 28, some at 38. Don't let other people rush you (and don't get overly hung up on fertility: obviously it declines with age, but 35 is not a cliff edge - look up the more recent stats, it's something like a 27 year has a 92ish% chance of getting pregnant within a year of trying, and a 38year old about an 86% chance in same period. It's not rare to have children in your late 30s!)