Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Friends dd has just come out as agender

162 replies

Teenageromance · 05/02/2021 21:08

She is supporting her choices as that is what we do - but how do I support her without compromising that I know it is a lot of nonsense. The dd wants to change her name and use alternative pronouns.

OP posts:
MissBarbary · 05/02/2021 21:57

Agender is defined as denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender

Doesn't that describe most gender critical feminists?

Tibtom · 05/02/2021 21:56

@newyearnewname123

What pronouns does an agender girl use?
I, me, mine, myself
lazylinguist · 05/02/2021 21:52

I agree with you, but the 'It's changing the rules of English grammar argument' is a pretty weak reason tbh. 'They' has been used for donkey's years in situations where gender is unspecified.

AbbeyBelfast · 05/02/2021 21:50

Yup, it's nonsense. Damaging nonsense at that.

FemaleAndLearning · 05/02/2021 21:49

I'll 'validate' you too! It is so sad young girls feel they can't be female and smash gender stereotypes.

Tibtom · 05/02/2021 21:49

Try researching and educating yourself,

TRA are never very happy when people actually do this. Funnily enough mumsnet is full of people who have educated themselves: read the original research not misquoted 'reviews' and opinion pieces; who look to the actual law rather than Stonewall's deliberate misinterpretation; who study the data not just the conclusions; who read the whole judgement or essay or book and don't simply reply on hearsay.

LongPauseNoAnswer · 05/02/2021 21:48

I don’t know anyone with a gender. I know people who are categorised by sex, the rest is personality. Aren’t we all agender except those who use it as tool of oppression?

Crazycrazylady · 05/02/2021 21:47

I'd call her by what ever she wants to be called. What skin is it off your nose and it would support your friend. 🙄

MillieEpple · 05/02/2021 21:44

What are the pronouns for agender? Do you have many opportunities to use them anyway.

Conniethesensible · 05/02/2021 21:42

I wonder if you’d have the same reaction 20 years ago but she came out as a lesbian.

Ultimately you want her to be happy. Don’t lose your friend over a decision that is not yours to make or dictate.

Triphazards · 05/02/2021 21:41

If it comes up in conversation with the lass, tell her you're not the tiniest bit interested in pronouns or gender.

Unless you are.

Mumofgirlswholiketoplaywithmud · 05/02/2021 21:39

I get called "they" all the time in documentation at work as people don't know whether I am male or female by my name. So I guess I am ok with "they" too!

Mumofgirlswholiketoplaywithmud · 05/02/2021 21:35

I'd use the pronouns that they'd chosen. If someone close to me said that they were agenda, I'd say that I am too, will use their pronouns, but that I'm ok with she /her for me (as their are no rules that state that non-binary can't chose to use she /her)

newyearnewname123 · 05/02/2021 21:33

What pronouns does an agender girl use?

LaLaLouella · 05/02/2021 21:32

I would be kind to my friend and use the pronouns that she is using for her child. She's probably suffering enough without a friend making political points at her expense.

tenlittlecygnets · 05/02/2021 21:32

[quote Teenageromance]@PullTheBricksDown but I object to the rules of English grammar being changed for one group.[/quote]
What do you mean? 'They' as a singular pronoun has been used since Shakespeare's time. It's not new at all. If you were keen on grammar, maybe you'd keep up with changing trends?

Mumofgirlswholiketoplaywithmud · 05/02/2021 21:31

@RaininSummer

All for not boxing yourself off with a gender label but doesn't that just mean that the girl is just that, a female along with the usual pronouns to accompany her sex?
I wondered that, but social pressures are currently telling everyone that they have to choose, eg- "state your pronouns"; by not stating a gender, you have defacto chosen "cis"
Original poster
Teenageromance · 05/02/2021 21:31

@Biscuitsanddoombar yes exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenageromance · 05/02/2021 21:29

@PullTheBricksDown but I object to the rules of English grammar being changed for one group.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenageromance · 05/02/2021 21:28

@valancyRedfearn yes but she is asking us to use different pronouns and I don’t agree with that

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 05/02/2021 21:27

I'd tell the dd that I'm agender too as I only have a sex and the rest is personality.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/02/2021 21:27

I have a similar situation with a friend, and I use their chosen pronouns because I treat it as a matter of common courtesy to address people as they wish to be addressed. Imagine, as a comparison, someone who called a woman 'Mrs. Husband's Name' even though they hadn't changed their name on marriage, because they disagreed with that as a way of living. Not good. However, in your position I would be making sure I talked through with my DD the socially constructed nature of gender and that people can be whatever they want to be, it's not the labels that make the difference. Teenage girls would be better off fighting the stereotypes that constrain them than making label changes.

Mumofgirlswholiketoplaywithmud · 05/02/2021 21:27

@ValancyRedfern I sometimes wonder if it was snuck in with the other genders by a radfem- the flag looks pretty close to the suffragette flag too!

SingingLoud · 05/02/2021 21:26

Has your friend told you so that you use the new name and pronoun when discussing the DD with your friend?

RaininSummer · 05/02/2021 21:25

All for not boxing yourself off with a gender label but doesn't that just mean that the girl is just that, a female along with the usual pronouns to accompany her sex?