Friends dd has just come out as agender

I use they/their instead of he/his for DSs BF who is a girl thinking she is a boy.
The child would be devastated if I called them she. I don't want to validate with he so use they. Despite wanting to shout that I think it's a load of bullshit I haven't as they are very emotionally vulnerable. I don't want to cause them any emotional pain and by questioning it will do. It's not my place. I have spoken candidly with their parents (who wanted to ask for my opinion) saying I think it is a load of bullshit. But not to the child who is already very emotionally sensitive as that is not my place.

We are so quick to make everything either for girls or for boys that it is no wonder kids come to these sorts of decisions really. Some boys want to wear a bit of makeup. Some girls want to have short hair and play football.

People have the right to call themselves whatever they like. They do not have the right to insist on what other people call them. Compelled speech is wrong. As for a PP who said what's the harm in just calling them what they want to be called. Well, give and inch and they take a mile.

Respect is earned and I will refer to some people as he or her when it doesn't match their actual sex from birth, if I think it is right to do so. I don't jump through hoops on the whims of teenagers or those who (to quote Mumsnet's favourite phrase when they delete threads or ban posters) "aren't acting in good faith."

With the view to educate myself...what is wrong with deciding to become agender or asking to use different pronouns? I just assumed that it was people’s right to do this? I am interested in other views and opinions.

OldPervsWithNoFannyOfTheirOwn You sound like a great parent, love their comment on your dress sense too.

How old is she OP?
Is your DD bothered by this? Seems to me to maybe be a smart choice for a kid who wants to fit in with identity trend with something that sounds authentic and allows her to be/dress, etc how she wants.

Yeah I think I would say am agender as well

Great to see us oldies and teens agreeing

My house is a safe space for DC’s friends to visit. The main rule I have made with DC is that any discussion is respectful.

He and I disagree vehemently about a particular subject and rather than go through a heated debate every time, now I stop him and say “I won’t get involved in this discussion because I believe the problems you’re raising stem from it being a bad idea to begin with”

He can believe what he likes but I won’t problem-solve for him when IMO the problem is the belief itself. So far its reduced arguments on that topic by 100%.

I occasionally get ‘sounded out’ but the fact I’m consistent and he has to problem-solve himself means he has thought more carefully about the topic, not just jumped straight to being defensive and more entrenched.

Of his friends, I use names to avoid pronouns where necessary and try to reply honestly as tactfully as I can.

Pre-lockdown #1 I overheard them in the garden having a gentle exploration of it maybe being better to just be yourself with no pressure ‘like here - your mum never cares and she wears some weird shit herself’

I’ve never been so happy to have my dress sense questioned

So my advice is, you can be respectful by using their name, and/or pronouns, and keep a boundary about discussions so things don’t get heated but you aren’t ‘pretending’ to keep the peace.

I still disagree on one specific aspect with DC however he and his friends know they can be themselves here without the need to form arguments/defend positions.

From my limited experience they want to be themselves more than they want to ‘be right’ and given that safe space they soon question stuff themselves.

The defensiveness when they are challenged reminded me a lot of when I was questioned about my abusive ex, I did not want to be forced to defend him but I was too scared of the consequences if I didn’t.

It was only in a safe space that I could start to really think about his words and actions and their impact on me, for myself

So that’s what I try to bear in mind with DC & co.

Just use her name instead of the pronoun if it is something you disagree with. I think that is respectful without buying into it. Others can use whatever pronouns they want.

Tell her you're agender too - which if you're a GC feminist you probably are. She will probably be horrified by the realisation that middle-aged people can be agender. If you're lucky she will realise that gender stereotypes are a nonsense that harms everyone.

Yes, it’s nonsense. Stick to she/her. Don’t get caught up in other people’s nonsense.

If you wanted to be supportive, you wouldn't be online calling it a load of nonsense. You're here for strangers to agree it's nonsense, and to validate you

This
I'd take it as something I didn't know much about, and read up more about it.

Will there be any time that you will need to use pronouns? It may be possible to just avoid the need to use them. Just support your friend, one way or another she's going to need it.

This isn't comparable. Lesbians don't insist other people to tie themselves in knots trying to remember to call them "xie" and "xer" and fuck knows what else.

What if this silly girl announced she identified as a fairy or a wolf? There are daft teenagers all over the internet doing just this. It's cringeworthy. I wouldn't engage with it. A PP said to just say that's nice but I'm not interested in identity politics. I agree with that approach.

I would just say "they" and use the new name they decided on. A name is just a name.

My friends DC do all sorts of nonsense. One has spent the last 10 years trying to become a famous musician although she has little talent another dresses in very weird lolita clothes. I smile and nod, pass wine to my friends (when allowed) and listen. I don't actually say it's nonsense, even though that's my opinion. Although I do express my opinions to my own DD.

You don’t have to agree with something to be supportive.

Unless doing something causes someone harm then grit your teeth and be supportive to your friend and their children.

There will be things that your DC do that friend doesn’t agree with but you’d hope she’d be supportive still.

What do you mean by 'supporting' your friend, op? Is your friend having a lot of problems and asking for support?

I'd be interested in trying to get the daughter to explain what she means by gender to start with, and then to explain the subtle differences between 'non-binary', 'asexual'. 'agender', and 'I'm a more tortured and interesting teenager than everyone else so I need a new classification for myself'.

Tbh OP I’d run with this and be offering the girl a virtual high five, telling her I didn’t have a gender either and how it’s great so many girls refuse to subscribe to the male agenda of gender ideologies.

Is it them/they pronouns? I don't think it would be too difficult to just refer to them by their name.