Friends dd has just come out as agender

fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

I’m reluctant to use preferred pronouns because of the knock on effect. Calling a female ‘they’ doesn’t really affect the story but calling someone else a ‘she’ has such a twist on the narrative.

Anyway. In terms of support, rather than focusing on what this person identifies as, would it be helpful to focus on what they want? (Turn the attention from inward to forward) Do they want to be able to wear what they want without comment? Be treated the same as males? Do they want to be able to avoid or do certain activities? Do they want to be able to speak a certain way (more assertive maybe?)
This may help you and their mum support and empower them in a practical way and give them the language to get what they want from life

General clarification, mixed up with a bit of standing on a soapbox from me: agender generally means not feeling you have a gender identity. (So most of us habitual posters!)

Agender is one of the natural conclusions to be reached if you feel the same way as us adult gender-critical feminists on here do, but you don't want to disrespect or doubt your peers' insistence that they do have a gender identity.

From age 18 onwards, I spent ages wrestling between my previous beliefs that my body was me and anything I did was something women did, if I was doing it (thank you feminist writers!) and trying to accommodate my new trans friends' statements that they had a gender identity. I vacillated between agreeing that I was "cis" and my gender was simply in such harmony with my body that I couldn't detect it, and trusting my own mind that I didn't have a gender-identity.

I'm less willing to accommodate people at my expense these days.

We're talking about a teenager here, one who's confused about their gender identity,

It's not really surprising that teenagers are confused about their gender identity. They're told that they should have one, but nobody can explain what it is without resorting to regressive sexist stereotypes.

I'm glad I'm far too old to have a gender identity and I feel sorry for kids now growing up with all this regressive stereotyping.

Just use her name all the time, so you never have to use a pronoun.

No you are right, I recently read a tweet that point out that female NB somehow to a large degree have surgery, but male NB don't.

I have a contact who is gender non binary and is going to have her breasts removed. She's an adult so her choice.

But it sounds like you think being agender is surgery free, but it's not necessarily. Sorry if I have misunderstood.

So, be kind?

I think it's possible to be concerned by transactivism at a political/societal level while being kind and respectful to individual trans people. Especially teenagers. You can come here and huff and puff about it but be kind to the kid, it's no effort on your part to address them as they've requested.

Better than transgender. Is she smart? She realizes to opt out of womanhood she doesn't have to pretend to be a boy but 'agender' is enough.

"There’s no such things as agender toilets though, so she’ll need support to understand that these provisions are sex based."

Support to understand which loo to use. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Ten I got ripped to shreds for using they as gender neutral at uni. I was told on no uncertain terms that it’s he/her or hers/his.

They is plural.

Op - as everyone says pronouns are used if she isn’t present so it doesn’t matter what’s used then. Stick to factual ones.

Accept any name change. I spent most my childhood switching between my first and second names and various shortened versions of each. Asserting her identity via a name is just fine.

There’s no such things as agender toilets though, so she’ll need support to understand that these provisions are sex based.

Might be worth being v sure mum understands the real risks of pbs and hormone therapy if her kid decides that’s the next step.

"You've written that all using them/their pronouns so it's not like you find it difficult."
Yes I did @PADH, because I was writing about a hypothetical person, who could therefore being of either sex. If I knew the person I was talking about, and therefore knew their sex, I would find it VERY difficult to not 'trip up' and use the sexed pronoun to refer to them.

So you started out saying you wanted to support your friend, but one thing getting in the way of that is that you 'object to the rules of English grammar being changed for one group'. OK. You tell your friend that. I imagine she'll totally understand that correct grammar has to be a moral priority for you.

I am not at all a supporter of the trans activist agenda and especially not where children are concerned. The pronoun change is also awkward to get used and remember, I agree. However, it is not the hill I choose to die on in relation to gender issues. I have also never found that deliberately referring to someone in a way they find unpleasant wins them over and gets them to listen to your thoughtful, empathetic yet well-reasoned views on a topic. But you choose your own priorities, OP.

Thanks @Mumofgirlswholiketoplaywithmud I'm confused as to how it's different to non-binary though.

My friend whose 15yo dd is now "non-binary" said it's easier to just use their new name all the time. He says that you dont actually use he and her very often when talking to your dd only talking about them. So it can become a non-issue.

Best not to give it too much attention as you're outside the family.

Personally I just say they if that is what they want. I'm not a fan of the whole shebang but its not my circus.

There’s us told, thank you, dear

Wow you are disgusting, you ask how you can support them yet point blank refuse to use their preferred pronouns. Gender has always been a spectrum because it is a social construct. Either support her or cut contact with your friend or she will cut contact with you for being so rude.