How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

He just says "it's their way you can't change them".

This is a BS response.

he's right that you can't change them. But the second half of this sentiment should be, "but of course you don't have to do any of this and I'll keep telling them this."

Because by not challenging them he's making it clear that he does in fact agree with them. I'd put money on things being relatively okay until the first child arrives, at which point, he'll be all surprised that he's out working all day and you aren't therefore grateful to be on baby duty 24/7 while simultaneously washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping for your own home as well as for his parents.

If he really is on your side, it's very simple - next time his mum makes a ridiculous comment like this he should say, "Mum, don't be silly - Alice isn't going to vacuum your house but if you need help, I'll do it." or similar.

And absolutely stop visiting them so much if this is going to continue. I don't normally advocate reducing contact but this is crazy. You spend more time with them than he does and you're already expected to pick up and look after them? WTAF?

He needs to be on the same page as you. He also needs to be the one being firm with his family.

If he actually has different ideas expectations to you and won't stand up to his family then I would be seriously thinking about ending your relationship.

If he can't stick up for you then long term your resentment will build or he and they will wear you down.

You would be a fool to marry this man. As soon as you are married, you'll finally meet the person your partner really is, I guarantee it. Run for your life.

My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family

He did know, and he has it too. Once you're married it will start, once you have a kid it will grow.

I'm guessing Pakistan?

He agrees with them, he's biding his time til your married and in his eyes trapped (I guarantee he wouldn't make it easy to divorce him) then he can really relax and let his mask drop. He isn't standing up for you because he benefits from you scivvying after you and his parents - he is enjoying it. Also why the fuck do you have to go visit his parents in your time on your own for? They're not nice to you. Seriously if you want children do not waste any more of your precious fertile years on this guy, even if you don't I still highly recommend you ltb as well.

He's not challenging them because he's hoping you will slip into wifey mode when the ring's on your finger. Do you expect to get a say in if and when and how many children you have, in where you move house to, in what you're allowed to do and wear? Too many warning signs here, but it's your choice.

Do you visit them because you are expected to or to please them? Because you really are just helping to create the park expectation that you will fall in line and will put your life on hold for them.

You sound lovely and kind and they will take advantage.

Do not marry him.

He needs to show you he is your partner by protecting you from their incessant snide comments and bullying.

If he won't do that then you know where you sit in his priority list

Yup. Run

Tbh, I don't understand why you would visit them without him. You're just reinforcing the idea that you will do stuff for them when your husband is not around.

Surely starting again with someone without all this baggage is better than spending a lifetime as a drudge?

Run.

Oh @AliceWonderland88 this isn’t going to work.
Your Dp agrees with his family......he doesn’t have the balls to tell you.
If he doesn’t.....then he doesn’t have the balls to tell his family and stand up for you.
Do you want to be with a ball-less man?

OP. Just head over to the relationship boards. Spend some time. With a particular interest in the threads where the husband's family are traditional and the husband stands passively by while his family make their expectations clear.

There's no shortage of these threads.

I'm completely serious. You'll find the answer to your questions there.

Run away now. I can guarantee he will change overnight when you are just “the wife”. His family won’t change and he won’t challenge his family. If you ignore all the advice on here. you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.

If he's not willing to say anything now when it's hypothetical he's extremely unlikely to speak up later when you are in the thick of it. Marriage isn't easy, for people from the same background and upbringing - it's even harder when you come at things from a totally different perspective.

Be very wary, it's not just about a bit of cooking, they may have expectations of him supporting them financially too. He needs to nip it all in the bud and make it clear he lives a modern British life here not traditional gender roles

Regardless of the issue. Your future in laws are trying to bully you and your fiancé is pretending it's not happening (gaslighting) and refusing to support you.

This is a problem in your relationship

He needs to step up and be prepared for years of supporting you against their cultural expectations. If he won't do that then walk away

Ask him what his plans are if his parents are too ill to look after themselves.

Can you give an example of something they actually say? You say they bring it up almost every time they see you - how do they phrase it?
I assume your dp would rather he stood up to them than have you refuse to meet them, or not be his fiancé?

Before you marry him:

If you intend to have children with him, you need to know what different cultural expectations may affect their lives, dress, education, medical factors,, religion etc. Especially if they are girls.

How your DF behaves in UK may be very different from his behaviour and social standing /expectations in his parents country.
Will he be expected to support them financially when they get old? To provide a home to a widowed mother in your household?

Don't accept any denials  that he doesn't know what the customs are in his home background.  You can look this up for yourself online  and seek the advice and experience  of  other women in your situation. Maybe you also need to have a very frank talk with his parents.

I don't think you should handle it at all. I think your DH should. If he's not willing to then you need to consider whether you really want to marry him.

Something similar happened to my friend OP. They were by all accounts equal partners before they had children, then as soon as their first was born he suddenly came up with a bunch of reasons why he a) had to move his mother in (all the way over from Nigeria) and b) had to take a second job which would keep him out of the house all day every day. The MIL interferes with her parenting to a ridiculous degree, and expects 3 cooked meals a day. When she complains her husband pouts and sulks that she doesn't like his mum. She lives like a servant in her own house and isn't even treated with respect and authority in her role as a mother. Her job is just to make food for everyone and clean. I really hope this is the year she leaves. If I were you I'd get out now.

I would also urge caution OP. I've been in a similar situation. Whilst I was "just" a girlfriend it was ok, but as soon as we got engaged the expectations started to change. Marriage, and especially children, made me a permanent part of the family and it became very apparent that I was expected to conform to conform to my ILs way of thinking. I was prepared to compromise, as I think when two people of very different backgrounds have a family it is the best way forward, but it soon became clear that their idea of compromise involved me changing my lifestyle, religion etc and them not really changing anything. All my husband's siblings had spouses who at least pretended to go along with it, but I wasn't prepared to do so. Fortunately, my DH did stand up for me and has always said that one of the things that most attracted him to me was that I am nothing like his mother. But it has not been easy. We've been together over 30 years now and I think my ILs and I understand each other quite a bit better now. But it is an uneasy peace and hostilities could break out at any time. Mainly things are civil but from time to time the facade slips and I see what they really think. I remember saying "I'm marrying X, not his family" when people warned me, but that's not really true unfortunately. We are very happy in general but any tension in our marriage has always been a result of differences between me and his family. If he hadn't been willing to stand up to them I would have left, no matter how much I loved him. Be careful.

We only get subtle, but traditional sexism from DHs family. Women serving food and clearing plates. Not getting to enjoy their meals because they have to get up and get something for the kids. Wives laying out clothes for husbands to wear (that one really makes me cringe)
That kind of behavior doesn’t happen in our marriage and we don’t want our daughter to think it is acceptable. We don’t spend every second of our visit berating the ILs, but we do talk to Dd before each visit about how their division of labor is old-fashioned and not something we agree with and if they comment on DH doing the dishes instead of me or we see Something especially outrageous we say something.

Basically, if he won’t be your partner in this, you need to run far and run fast. I’m only dealing with local, but more traditional attitudes and that is bad enough.