How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

Sadly this is not going to get better. I am married into a similar family and it was awful the first few years as I wanted to be a part of the family and was very accommodating. However that made things worse as they started being more demanding. Thankfully we left the country and only have to deal with it for the weeks we go back home. Nevertheless, I stepped back and put in firm boundaries. I no longer go and stay with them for long periods of time without my DP. And I am more comfortable voicing my opinions and saying the word "No." But the biggest and the most important factor is that my DP is not afraid and very comfortable asking them to back off. They wouldn't dare step out of line because they know my DP would not put up with it. Only move forward with this relationship if your partner has your back all the way. Unfortunately from what you've described that's not the case. I would strongly advise you to not move forward unless you DP steps up

What matters is that he's throwing you under the bus in order to avoid any conflict himself.

He needs to make it clear to them. This happened to my french friend when she married an indian man in india, There was big pressure from the family and the community, even people being snarky with his mother about her, asking what my friend cooks etc. Eventually his mother got the hint and said to them 'what makes you think MY daughter in law has to cook?'. But the mum wouldnt have got it if the husband hadn't stuck up for my friend.

This sounds like such a sad situation. You love him, your life together is good, he does his fair share, but you know in your heart that it won't always be this way. I don't have any advice, just to send virtual hugs.

Regardless of the specific circumstances, you have a partner who refuses to stand up for you/take action on something that is upsetting you. Is that the kind of partner you want for life?

You basically have a period of time to set expectations, starting from now really. Because once you have kids you will be more vulnerable. And once you have the guilt trip of your PIL being older, sicker etc, then you will be even more vulnerable. You really have to work out whether your DF will stand up to them and back you even when it inconveniences him. Otherwise, it will be about them trying to beat you down whilst they look on.

I'm with those sounding the note of caution here. I don't particularly want to diss your fiancé, but he does sound very in thrall to his parents.

I'd have been mightily unimpressed if DH's parents had ever treated me like the unpaid skivvy you describe and he hadn't stuck up for me. They didn't, by the way.

Are you really visiting them without him being with you? Why? I never visited DH's parents without him unless I was just dropping the children off when he couldn't. He has never visited mine on his own either. Stop that one straight away!

Tell your fiancé bluntly that he either sticks up for you and tells them to butt out or you will be forced to reconsider the relationship because you need to have confidence that you are not sleepwalking into a situation where you are considered the family servant.

Is there an expectation that all 4 of you will live together when you marry?

He's definitely soft with his parents. When it comes to it, who will he defend you or his parents. You need to see him stand up for you. He's already said they won't change, but he's made no effort to explain what your lives will look like.

Does he visit your family whilst he's at work or is that a women's job?

I agree with pp saying don’t marry him.

This will get worse once you are married, and worse again once you have a child.

RUN

I wouldn't marry him. License for trouble

Forgot to add, they are not even giving you subtle hints, they are full on telling you what is expected. Have you said to him, 'so when we marry and I don't do xyz what are you going to say to them then?' Its fine him saying nothing not but he can't Bury his head in the sand forever as when you marry and you don't change it will be spoken about

He says oh it's just how they are and yes, they can live how they want to live but doesn't mean you have to aswell. Is he embarrassed to be a 'modern man' and doesn't want them to know? How is he when they visit yours? Does he help or sit back and expect you to do it all? Or as others said he could be biding him time. If he doesn't want them to know he does housework at home I suppose they don't have to know but all the comments are not needed. He should be at least saying something to stop their expectations. If you do marry him, keep financially independent just in case.

I think your only course of action is to speak to them with your partner and spell it out to them that you won't be following what they see as tradition. Be warned though, the extended family is the primary structure in some cultures and takes precedence over the husband/wife bond.

Speaking as someone who lives this reality I urge you to take a good long look at your future, and consider this a dealbreaker. DH is from the Mid East and his parents live about 2 hours away.

Everything was all hunky dory and nice and normal until the moment we got married. Actually, the run up to the wedding was stressful. The thing is, he’s actually a good husband and father, but he is tormented by duty to them and conflicting needs of our young family. After nearly 2 decades together (and a decade of marriage) I am mostly ok with it, but his mother was ridiculous when we had our children, and so so overbearing and at times vicious. Mostly I get through by being grey rock where they are concerned but it’s still very very tiresome.

They do not hold feminist values, you will never be able to win if assuming the subservient wife role is not something you want.

Run for the hills.

It will get worse.

He should just tell them that you are English, and being a slave to your husband is not part of your culture. I'd put off marrying him though.

Why on earth do you visit them on your own if they treat you like an unpaid servant?

I wouldn't marry this guy and I certainly would not be doing his family's chores!

You're doing this to yourself if you keep going to theirs knowing they will expect you to cook and clean for them.

This sounds pretty bad and you are not even married yet and no children. It can get very very complicated. I'm not sure I'd want to commit to this constant opposition

Why are you 'visiting' his parents without him.

You've set an expectation.

You either go with it

Tell you 'dp' that you expect him to stand up for you

Or you end the relationship

I vote end the relationship- the situation will only get worse.

So he won’t even tell his parents that you are his equal and you won’t be a servant to him or them?

I wouldn’t marry him unless he was willing to stand up for you.