How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

I cannot *imagine being expected to clean someone else's house, except under the most extenuating circumstances (e.g. they died/had a terrible accident and it's a one-off event).

Doing it under the circumstances you describe here? No. If, somehow, we ended up going to clean someone else's house under those extenuating circumstances noted, DH (and indeed our offspring) would be mucking in. No ifs. Not buts.

If he doesn’t want to as he secretly holds their views of can’t stand up to them now, what chance will there be in the future?

Right now you’re in the strongest position you will ever be in vis a vis his family. You’re not married and you don’t have a child. Pregnancy, childbirth and looking after children is very tiring at best. So if you’re not standing up to them now, you don’t have a hope in hell of standing up to them in the future.

Consequently that’s both of you not standing up to them. Something has to change. And don’t let it be your marital status unless or until this is sorted. At the same token be very careful not to waste years on this man if he won’t / can’t change.

Also be very aware, unless you’re going to go low or no contact, the in laws will become more annoying and hold more importance in your life the further your marriage progresses and the older they get.

All in all your fiancé seems fine with the status quo. If he weren’t, he’d be prepared to change it if he risks losing you so I’d be testing him now and deciding my future. If you don’t do anything, you are actually effectively making a choice to accept the situation as is.

Personally I'd call it off unless he tells his family you're not slaving foe them, some men from other cultures like this can and do change once they've trapped you, sounds like you're on this pathway if he doesn't respect you enough to stand up fir you now

Marrying him would be an act of insane stupidity.

Also, let’s call it what it is. Your part ex’s parents aren’t ‘traditional’, they’re misogynistic.

Please be very very careful, I would be more worried that he wasn’t a weak husband, but a strong wilful one , who knows exactly what he intends for your life to be like once you are married & especially when you have a child. Run as fast as you can .

Run for the hills.

Ermmm I wouldn't be marrying him until he's made crystal clear to his parents that you won't be his/ their servant. Why hasn't he said anything ?!

This has got disaster written all over it,

FUCK! How can he just stand there and expect you to act like some sort of servant? Wtf is going through his head?

Imagine this was reversed... he would tell you to sort it out pronto or he’d be off, yes??

Bloody hell, what culture are they from? It sounds awful. Are they elderly?

If he really had your back he'd have told them a long time ago that what they expect of you will not be happening. I'm not sure how loudly we have to say this but please RUN

Sorry OP, I wasn’t calling you weak, I meant that is how his parents see you.

They have been testing the boundaries to see how much you will put with. You have shown them what you will put up with it (ie. much more than most women would).

By letting your fiancé relax while you get told to serve food etc. you are confirming to your fiancé that you are prepared to do all of life’s drudge work for him, and you will go with what his parents say even though you don’t like it.

Do you honestly expect this situation to improve when you have kids? When his parents are older and therefore expect more ?

Many women from traditional cultures born and brought up here no longer put up with this nonsense (I know as I am one of them) so men like this look for an English girl who is weak and voluntarily is willing to put up with it instead. You would be an utter fool to marry this man.

Hello OP, from experience I can tell you actions speak louder than words . If your DP does not tell his parents now , he never will . Believe me I eventually walked out after being expected to do everything for him and his family. Essentially a servant/slave for PIL. A DP who doesn't speak up now, never will. You will have no privacy or freedom . In some traditional families women are not treated as equal or respected. It is not always the culture but individuals in an extended family who behave in this manner to daughter in laws. Good luck .

If you don't want to put up with this forever, and potentially have any future children witness you being treated as a servant, you explain to your husband that he needs to put them straight.

You telling them obviously doesn't work... they need to hear from their son that he won't put up with you being disrespected in that way.

If he won't speak up for you, I wouldn't marry him (but that's just me).

My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home

Fucking hell OP, can't you see this is just the start. Once married they will own you.
If you are passive enough to accept this shit already you have no chance later.

What on earth don't you say no!!! Cleaning their house ffs. You know how it will be or you wouldn't have asked here.

If someone told me to serve food in someone else's house or hoover I'd laugh in their bloody face and leave.

People will wonder why I can't leave but thats a whole other thread.

Haven't read the full thread but I will once the kids are in bed.
In my bitter experience, my husband (both of us British-Indian) said we would only live with his parents until we got a deposit for our own place... that was ten years ago. The deposit was saved up and yet...we are still fucking here. It's not been a bed of roses, they aren't bad people but I just want some bastard space.
Plus DH's interfering siblings get on my nerves.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fall for any promises of how things will be different. My mental health is shot.

Do not marry him.

He'd not be sitting down relaxing he'd be helping you if he really was as great as you say.

He'd be standing up for you. Not enjoying the perks of other people treating you like the hired help

Do not marry him

You need a trial run of some interventions all done with wide eyed cheerfulness and you need to be a solid double act. And prepared.

So e.g. they ask you to make the coffee
You turn to him "shall we make some coffee?"
Him "you relax Alice I'll make them, yes really mum I will, I often do at home"

See success in getting through before you commit. Its as much or more your fiancees job to sort this.

This may all sound small but it's constant. My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home. I let him off sometimes because he's often not around when this happens as I visit them while he is at work.

FFs why did he relax? Why didn't he stand up to them? Why didn't he take on the chores/help?

You have a DH?DP problem.

If you are both happy in your relationship and happy with a more equal balance of responsibility then he needs to stand up to his parents now and make it clear that they keep out.

If he won't do this then there are several concerns:

1. He secretly agrees and is hoping you'll fall in line after marriage, especially if children are involved
2. He is weak with his parents so they will always be overly involved in your relationship

1. You could find yourself being lumbered with family responsibilities and old age care years down the line.