giletrouge thank you.
I probably do! I am pretty numb as a rule, in general to be honest!
I've re-written it. Please feel free to share if you feel it would help anybody, male or female.
A nice man molested me the other night.
What a stupid thing to say, huh?
Nice men don’t molest women! Nice men don’t want to upset anyone?
Nice is a bit of an ambiguous term so I’ll define what I mean by it for the purpose of this blog.
Nice means not nasty, nor sinister. A nice person isn’t a person you’d avoid or be wary of. A nice person is someone ‘normal’, has friends, a job, a nice family, a lot of friends, respect in the community. Some things about some people have an almost unanimous wariness factor-nice people are those who have none of the things that give us any reason to be wary.
Nice men-they know It’s wrong to touch a woman sexually without consent, of course.
Hell if a man touched their wife/girlfriend/daughter/female friend like that, there’d be hell to pay! How dare he!
No man with an ounce of respect for women does things like that do they? They hear the females in their life relate stories about it happening, or see it on TV and react to it with contempt and shock, what a scumbag! Not a nice man, nice men don’t do things like this.
Apart from when they do.
This happened to me in my own house.
I must note that this blog was inspired by Kathleen Stock’s article, which I will cite at the end. Like her, this is not written in a bid for sympathy (I am absolutely fine).
The man who did it is someone I regarded as a friend. Quite a new one but, my family have known him longer and he’s worked as an affiliate of my Mother’s for years
.I don’t know many people around here, having moved recently. This man is someone I pay to do work I need doing, and we got along, and me and my partner and this man’s then-girlfriend all met for drinks one night a while ago and had a good time. I learned he did a pub quiz and me and my family went and did it. In short, he became someone we sometimes liked to hang out with, my other half liked him too. All good.
For a bit of a synopsis of this man, he has a great, prestigious job, and a fantastic relationship with his adult children. He is well liked, well known, friendly, popular, personable, generous, largely thought of as lovely.
I learned recently he had had some bad news. He’s lost a close family member. I paid my condolences and felt for him. He came around for a coffee and me and her sympathised and said pop in any time. So when she was working away, and he asked if the kettle was on the other day I said ‘sure’.
Only I’d ran out of coffee. I also realised I needed to walk the dog, and said rather than coffee shall we go have a couple of pints. It’s lovely weather, why not.
After that we walked back to my house and he came in for another drink. After a while and a chat, I said okay I am sorry to end the evening here but I really must go to bed. I am tired, I’ve been up since 4:30 am. I was tipsy and did not want to drink more. I told him to see himself out, or sleep in the spare room if he wanted.
I had no reason why I should have believed I was in any danger.
Looking back, the slightly tipsy and very tired me must have had her guard up.
I don’t remember it being a conscious thing, but I didn’t undress. Why not? I guess because for whatever reason, I don’t trust men fully no matter what.
I woke up some time later, with a hand up my top at the front and two wandering hands caressing me. I hate to use that word, but literally that’s what they were doing.
What they were ACTUALLY doing, was molesting me. Touching my breasts and upper body without my consent, while I was sleeping. Unconscious. Unable to give (or not give) consent. I did not react. I pretended to be asleep. I was not shocked (sadly!), or scared, and simply froze and said nothing. This man had come upstairs, seen me asleep, and somehow thought this was an okay thing to do. The hands then pinched my nipples, hard. Causing me to screw my eyes tighter closed in pain, and then they stopped. I remained still until I felt him move away and heard him leave the room. My main thought process at the time wasn’t what some may imagine.
It was ‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’
And this has a point. I wasn’t traumatised, upset or deeply affected in any way by this incident. I wasn’t shocked either-I’m still not. Why? Because to me, this has become ‘just something men do’. I sort of expect it and have grown to accept it.
Upon this first happening, I posted about it on a large forum I frequent. I wanted unbiased opinions. The replies did not shock me-they encompassed a lot of women responding by sharing their experiences of when something similar (or worse), had happened to them. So many of us, just in response to one incident on one day. How many of us has this happened to? This sort of thing is not uncommon. I knew that already, and they affirmed it. My ‘oh for fuck’s sake’ actually meant the same. Yes It wasn’t great, and what I was actually thinking as the thought developed was ‘great, another one. Another male I can’t trust-another man I can’t socialise with. Another job I have to do or find someone else to do because I can’t use him any more’.
Acceptance by women that this is just ‘something that happens’ probably perpetuates it happening and despite this, I firmly believe that it is absolutely not our responsibility as women, to do anything about it.
The point I try to make is, men who do this sort of thing aren’t necessarily creepy oddities in flashers macs down dark allies, loners without jobs or families whom we wouldn’t ever let into our space or lives, the frowny, toothless weirdo you see in the beer garden by himself every day (who might actually be a perfectly decent person).
‘Normal’ men, those we think of as nice, do this. Our brothers, colleagues, friends, fathers.
They do it because THEY THINK IT’S OKAY. The way this man was touching me, at least until he hurt me, was in a way I would like my girlfriend to touch me. But when it’s none consensual, unprovoked and unwanted (and in my case, from the wrong gender) it is not a nice feeling at all. And it’s very wrong.
Another point to this blog is, as I write about this experience, I recognise my own symptoms of dangerous social conditioning, certainly not unique to my experience as a female, the deeply internalised theories I have, which make me want to blame myself.
This sort of thing;
‘I should have made him leave before I went to bed’
‘I shouldn’t have got tipsy around a man I don’t know so well’
‘I shouldn’t go out for a drink with a man by myself, he may have read more into it’
‘I shouldn’t have let him in the house for another drink-maybe he was disappointed that I didn’t want anything sexual’
‘I shouldn’t have dressed the way I was’ (I was wearing a tight top and a short skirt, albeit with thick tights and flat boots, I wasn’t dressed especially provocative, not that it matters).
There are also some things about this situation, generated by me, that if I had done differently would have ensured this couldn’t happen. If I hadn’t have ran out of coffee, I wouldn’t have been tipsy and perhaps would have been more guarded.
When I am already tired, alcohol just makes me sleepy, maybe I shouldn’t have had any.
If I hadn’t have let him come in for another drink.
If I hadn’t have been a friendly or sympathetic person.
If I had have locked my bedroom door.
If I hadn’t have made friends with this man in the first place.
If I’d have said no to him accompanying me anywhere without my partner (whom presents as masculine) for protection.
If I wasn’t a person who appreciates friendship and likes to enjoy company of people I get on with.
If I wasn’t trying to make friends in a new area.
I can go on forever with this. And I know I am far from the only woman whose brain comes up with such things.
However, the reality is, what he did was very wrong.
And it would still be wrong if I were straight.
It would still be wrong if I had gone out wearing a PVC mini-dress, a push up bra and stilettos.
It would still be wrong if I had have flirted with him all night.
It would still be wrong if I had have fancied him.
It would still be wrong if he was my husband.
It would still be wrong if we’d been out all night and I was pissed out of my head.
Another thing worth mentioning is, I actually told a male friend about this. His reaction was;
‘Well you invited him in, he probably thought he was in there’.
Aside from being disgusting, this is a huge part of the problem. There are people out there who believe that it is a woman’s responsibility, to stop men from behaving like this. And it absolutely is not.
In this particular case (I must stress I absolutely don’t apply this to all such situations, sometimes the opposite occurs!) I also think he did it because he finds me attractive, and he thinks this means he is allowed to touch me. This again is, a huge part of the problem. I know why he finds me attractive. I have a stereotypically attractive look, I’m relatively young, I have long blonde hair, I dress in a way he likes, I keep myself in reasonable shape.
He thinks because of that, I DO IT FOR MEN.
And this is what makes him think It’s okay. This type of thinking (in my opinion) is archaic, unintelligent, and dangerous. I don’t think he would have done this if I was butch, overweight, or his idea of ugly or unattractive in any way.
It doesn’t occur to some men that a woman who makes an effort with her looks in a way that they like, do it for any reason other than because she wants to attract men. And if she wants to attract men, touching her is okay isn’t it? That’s what she wants!
No.
And if she does she will make it clear.
As females, we should be permitted to dress and look however we wish. We are, literally speaking, but we should be able to look how we feel at our best, without it giving men the assumption that we are their property. If a woman is a male’s idea of attractive, she is no more there for male entertainment than one who isn’t.
In my case, the above assumption is made even more bizarre, but more blatant due to the fact this man ‘knows’ I am a lesbian. I put ‘knows’ in inverted commas because, this is irrelevant to him. My sexuality is erased because he believes his wants and assumptions trump it. 100%. He believes my appearance negates this. I look like I do for men, no matter what I say and demonstrate in my behaviour. What I say about who I am, doesn’t count. My girlfriend doesn’t count.
Do I think he would have done this if I was straight?
Absolutely.
If I were dating a man?
Probably. But the point is I’m not. This is because I don’t want men to touch me ever. I obviously sympathize with anyone this sort of thing has happened to, regardless of their gender, sexuality or any aspect of who they are. But I believe the fact that It’s obvious and often made obvious to him that I’m not into men and don’t want them to touch me, makes what he did worse.
I was unable to consent because I was asleep. He knows this. This man isn’t stupid.
If any men read this, I hope you read it and think ‘What a wanker’ and not ‘Ugh, what he did wasn’t THAT bad’.
But if it is the latter, you know what, I agree with you, it wasn’t. I am not traumatised by it or especially upset even. I am not in shock. I am not injured or incapacitated by it.
And this is not a good thing. I should be traumatised by it. I should be shocked. I should be overly upset about it because it should be the sort of thing that’s unheard of and never happens.
The reason we think it ‘isn’t that bad’ is because we’re also thinking ‘He could have done worse’ or ‘that’s nothing, my friend went through a much more violet assault’.
And I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that had I put loose pyjamas on, or slept naked, he would have done ‘A lot worse’.
Men, please do your gender a favour and don’t do things like this. If you’ve read this and are thinking ‘I did something like that once’ or ‘He didn’t do anything so bad!’ Have a think about this.
This could be reported to the police. You could lose your job
You could lose your friends
You would be made to look like a wanker to anyone who finds out you’re labelled as a sexual predator.
Your reputation could be tarnished.
Your daughters could find out.
Your wife could find out.
Your female friends could find out.
Does this illustrate to you that It’s wrong? I won’t go down the route of It’s illegal because It’s wrong, or wrong because it’s illegal because frankly some things are illegal that if pressed I might think shouldn’t be.
But it is illegal regardless. What he did was a crime.
And it has reinforced my misandry which I struggle with already because of many experiences with men me and my female peers have had. Women don’t want to distrust men.
We don’t want to dislike men. It doesn’t make our lives easier to do this.
I don’t want to label men as all the same. I don’t want to be afraid of them, careful around them and disappointed in male friends like I am with this one, who I will now never give my business to again, socialise with again, or sympathise with again. I don’t want to be a man-hater. I have men in my life who I love.
But when they do things like this, it makes things difficult.
Thank you for reading.
kathleenstock.com/noticing-reality/