SANDS sorry if upsetting

I think we live in a world- at least I do- where families do not always tick the 'traditional' male/female, mum/dad box.

The word ‘mother’ is not a box that excludes anyone on the basis of gender norms.

You personally not finding it hurtful does not negate the pain it caused.

The tweet sounded as though they were genuinely sorry.

I think this highlights the very serious muddle that "inclusivity" is causing. The same goes for disregarding women in certain cancers. Causing pain is not the way to be inclusive - organisations take note, PAIN is being caused

I must be missing something. This doesn't upset me in the least.
I've delivered a stillborn child, so SANDS has been a part of my healing. I don't think this is an erasure of mothers in the least. I think we live in a world- at least I do- where families do not always tick the 'traditional' male/female, mum/dad box. And actually, when I first read this, my initial thought was about DH, the father, the non-birthing parent, and how our grief felt so separate, how apart we both felt at times during our bereavement over the daughter we lost. We had to work hard at uniting during our grief. Grief is so isolating and at times, it is divisive. It was a big loss for me, for DH, for our baby's siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It's a collective loss.
I did not read into this statement what others on this thread overwhelmingly have. I don't care if you're the a purple spotted elephant with 5 dicks and a personality disorder. If your baby died, you have my love and my heart. That is all. Loss is loss and it is utterly devastating for anyone who has been through this.

It could be worse. They’re at least admitting that they should have included ‘mother’ in the tweet, which is better than a self-justifying rant about how we should all be ‘educating’ ourselves.

But they do need to take the tweet down.

If that mother happens to prefer to wear a beard and boxer shorts, who is that hurting?

Nobody, and the word ‘mother’ includes them too.

‘Mother’ is an inclusive word.

They are avoiding the word mother to not upset lesbian couples as in that case they are both mothers

So say ‘non birthing mother’ or ‘non birthing partner’.

Either way better than pretending in this situation of all situations that the word for somebody who gives birth is not ‘mother’.

Ok it's the weekend but that it takes almost a thousand replies, many from their core clientele of bereaved mothers, says they didn't feel they could easily recant or correct themselves early on. They thought they had to go with the so-called inclusive language until the outcry became too big to ignore.

I agree ncGCfeminist

They’ve used the word sorry but it’s clear they don’t really think they’ve done anything wrong.

"Some people" is condescendingly almost hateful to the many many mothers who protested at this and "here for everyone" is a passive aggressive way to say they won't stop using inclusive language.

I think it was a man who wrote this apology.

twitter.com/sandsuk/status/1320255460356784130?s=21 “We are so sorry that this tweet has upset some people. Our tweet should have included the word mothers. It was an error and we apologise from the bottom of our hearts. Sands is here for everyone.”

Good for them. The tweet’s still up though.

They’ve responded

Despite the trauma and upset caused, they have not taken it back, apologised or deleted the tweet. And they’ve been on their account today.

It’s the weekend. Isn’t it always? Perhaps that’s another tactic.

But it’s possible that the social media person that runs the Twitter account is not representative of those who care for bereaved mothers. Hopefully on Monday, there may be reaction. I can’t imagine any normal, rational, sympathetic person reading that thread and remaining unmoved.

Goodness me, I was so upset that my then DH and family didn't acknowledge my first Mother's Day after my DD died without having to contemplate this.
Gender & sex aren't the same thing.
Women, biologically, are the ones that can get pregnant, carry babies and go through all of the hormonal & physical stuff that accompanies it.
It doesn't matter how you identify, pregnancy is most definitely a woman thing.

I am a bereaved parent, of a young child. Losing a child is the most devastating experience that could happen imho. I am most definitely my little boys mother, and I’m so glad I didn’t run across this early in my grief. After childloss, we are so fragile, the slightest thing can pull the rug out from under us. I’d have been gutted to be on the receiving end of this.

I feel this is erasure rather than progress. Yes families come in all different formations and we need to express the brilliance of that diversity. But This is lumping us as a sort of featureless, remote, corporate jargon blob of ‘people’.

Why not just say we’re here to support both parents? Families in all forms?

CherryPavlova I'm truly sorry for your losses, and of course they were your husband's painful, heart wrenching losses too. The fact that you don't mind not being referred to as the mother in your losses is your decision, your choice, your right. What isn't your right is to give away the term "mother" from other women for whom it is incredibly important. My loss came after I had live children, so I was already a "mother". Many thought that made it less painful for me. I don't believe it did. What I had as an advantage over mothers and fathers who didn't have any live children was a reason to get up in the morning and carry on with life. I will always grieve the child I didn't get to hold and see grow, but I had to concentrate my strength on the children I had that needed their mum (and dad). Sands post just had to say mothers instead of birthing parent, the rest of the tweet would have been OK. I think we all acknowledge that dads, lesbian non-birth mums, dads who needed a stand-in sperm donor, siblings and wider family all grieve the loss of a child and need support.

@stillsomewhatsheldonesque of course you qualify. You're their mam. ---- for you and all the babies we didn't get to meet.

The concerted attempt to decouple the words woman and mother from female biological reality is neither benign nor accidental

And to you and all of us who have lost our babies.

Every baby has at least one mother, so it's always appropriate to use the word mother. I don't mind at all their also using language that, say, trans men who have given birth feel comfortable with, along with the partners or the baby's other parent.

stillsomewhat, you are a mother, of course you are

Awning10, they have indeed been ratio'd on that tweet but there is no glee here about that and I don't think anyone wants to attack or cancel Sands about it. The error of judgment here has the whiff of their hand being guided. It's no coincidence how many organizations around women's experiences and needs have gone down the erasure of women-centred language recently. I fully expect to read accounts in a couple of years time of how the under-the-radar approach that paid dividends in legislative matters was also extremely systematically applied to the charity sector. Basically, the proponents of inclusivity (at the expense of women) have likely been going into charities and saying "Hmm, it'd be terrible if you got piled on on social media for using old-fashioned language. Here, let us re-write that for you so you don't accidentally cause offence".

I think we need a women-centred language group to review and offer advice so other charities doing truly excellent work, like Sands, can be spared this, to be honest.

Having had two stillbirths and a miscarriage at 19 weeks, I don’t give two figs whether I am called the mother or the birth parent. My husband felt incredible pain and sorrow too. He didn’t give birth. He is a non-birthing parent.
What matters is that people going through perinatal loss receive the support they need. When our were born there was no support really. A few sad words and home we went.
I don’t believe en can become women but I think if anyone who identifies as anything loses their child, they are entitled to kindness and freedom from hostility over words. If that mother happens to prefer to wear a beard and boxer shorts, who is that hurting?

There is a time to battle over the rights of women and safe women only spaces. In the bereavement suite of a maternity unit is not that place.

b*rowndog
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Am so very sorry. Flowers to you and all your family x