SANDS sorry if upsetting

Only one woman can give birth. One woman who miscarries or has a stillbirth - you can’t share this, not can you understand how the mum feels.

This is primarily about the mum - the one who has carried and lost a baby. If someone feels hurty feelings or left out as a result, well that’s their issue - and a selfish git if they feel they can start dictating terms.

The mum who is grieving for the baby who was part of their body is the focus.

It's not to upset women in same sex relationships. Don't always assume there's a further agenda

In the SANDS bereavement support book, they dedicate a whole first 2 paragraphs to ensuring women who don't identify as mothers are not offended by..well, who knows...
Horrific.
Will attempt to post a link.

The self-obsession is off the scale.

That first person hasn't even been pregnant let alone lost a child

ClaireP20
Please can I be your best mate? I agree with EVERY WORD.

Ha, of course I was a bit when I read it back and realised how much swearing there was, but this has really enraged me.

I'm glad SANDS have apologised, but a lot of damage has been done and women have had to see some truly awful, heartless and downright spiteful comments because of this.

Oh, Aesop.

This is such a heartbreaking thread.

Thinking of all mothers who have lost children and babies tonight. Sending you peaceful wishes.

They are avoiding the word mother to not upset lesbian couples as in that case they are both mothers. We are told to do this in the birthing education field too but I only use this language when I have a lesbian couple in the group

That’s a good area of language to be mindful of. But couldn’t people use ‘birthing mother’, ‘the mum who’s carrying the baby’, ‘the mum who is pregnant‘ or similar to distinguish between the two mums? It doesn’t seem to do the job of being inclusive to have ‘mums’ without a female partner and then to put lesbian mothers into a subset of non-mums, when they are both mums^?

Doesn't offend me at all and I've lost 2 babies.

I do believe I would probably not be here without sands unbelievable support.

They are an amazing charity.

Aesop You have explained very clearly something that you shouldn’t have to explain.

Sands is a charity very familiar to me, after my son was stillborn 9 years ago it was the amazing local volunteers who helped me.

Some context to the tweet, if useful. Baby Loss Awareness Week (BLAW) runs 9-15 October every year. The theme this year was isolation, particularly in context of Covid-19. For the first time this year there was a series of online talks sponsored by NatWest. The talks included bereavement support in the workplace, support for partners and wider family, and a talk on trans parents, male couples and surrogates. Since this tweet was from 10 October it was part of the BLAW campaign.

I think it's been potentially useful to show more people the consequences of this under-hand movement to redefine the meanings of words or use alternatives that are so offensive. And I cannot believe the gall of some people insisting we have to describe them using the words they choose (or its literal hurt) but will not allow grieving mothers to choose how to describe themselves. More sunlight...

I'm going to wait and see what Clea and Sands say next, it's not the first time I've been disillusioned with the paid employees compared with the hundreds of volunteers.

I'm so sorry Aesopfable I'm really rubbish at words of comfort, but I wanted to acknowledge your post. I wish I could come and give you hug. (Hope that doesn't sound patronising.)

The self-obsession is off the scale.

Words mattered enough to Freddy for Freddy to go to court to try and get the word mother changed to father legally.

Well exactly. Either words matter or they don't.

If they do matter then Freddy must understand why women are upset that the word 'mother' was not in that tweet.

If they don't matter, then why did Freddy go to court to try and be legally recognised as a 'father'?

Or does it only go one way?

Aesopfable I just want to say thanks for explaining that. It is awful you've been made to feel to blame for the birth of your child happening when it did. I am so sorry about your baby.

Jesus, some of the tweets. Just when you start thinking it's impossible to see them them sink any lower, they go and prove you wrong. Bullying women for being upset over the loss of their babies and feeling excluded by this. Everyone's feelings are valid unless it's a woman. This is why I won't be fucking kind.

As for Freddy... Freddy was blessed enough to give birth to a healthy baby. Words mattered enough to Freddy for Freddy to go to court to try and get the word mother changed to father legally. Yet Freddy is now being a smug fucking twat telling bereaved mothers, who Freddy calls bullies and transphobes (please don't ever forget this), they have no right to want to be referred to as mothers because a term that makes us sound like fucking breeding cattle covers it nicely.

Internalised misogyny isn't fucking cute Freddy, fuck you. It's not our fault the court rejected your ridiculous idea.

We often look to place blame and when the death is a result of 'birthing' then being called the 'birthing parent' neatly places that blame.

So why couldn't they just post that? "Sands is here for mothers, fathers and all those affected by the loss of a baby".

Awning, they've been asked -
the CEO tweeted, but buried in the replies.
twitter.com/CHarmerSands/status/1320259709929226240?s=20

I'm sure they won't discuss it though. I think it's likely the approach comes from the outside organizations.

Sands have helped me, hence why I donate money to them, I would feel very marginalised by the term birthing parent and would wonder if it applied to me.

I’m sure the Sands people on the ground doing the actual work the charity does are wonderful and do an amazing job. And I’m absolutely certain none of them would ever do anything as cold, callous and dehumanising as referring to a newly bereaved mother as being the dead child’s “birthing parent”.

But sadly those good people are being represented by some very different people, more concerned with scoring woke points than with supporting the people the charity is actually for. And it needs calling out, because it undermines all the good stuff the charity does.