Surrogacy gone wrong - Parents split and left the mother pregnant with twins

[quote OhHolyJesus]@Delphinium20

The family dynamic with the Drewitt Barlows is unusual to say the least. I logged some of their history here:

The Drewit-Barlows www.mumsnet.com/Talk/surrogacy/3814566-the-drewit-barlows

I wouldn't ask them to organise a baby shower let alone invite them to consult on surrogacy laws changing, but I'm not the Law Commission. [/quote]
Wonder what their therapists think. I could never forgive a parent who took up with my ex partner. No healthy boundaries and makes me wonder how much the dad respects his daughter.

Not just you cara

Shes was very young first time round ajd whereas that absolutely is not a deciding factor on how good a mum you are/can be, its very hard on adults to slot back into their lives after a baby, it must be even harder at 17 where you would be miles apart from what your friends are doing and have little life experience to fall back on.i wonder how much it becomes all you have ever known when so young so easier to keep going than try and slot back into life with your friends etc

Something not right here really, she's too eager to please at her own expense..

ByGrabtharsHammer I’m so sorry that you had such a difficult time.

So Canada has a lower limit of 21 years old for IVF surrogacy?
The Law commission here is suggesting 18 as the minimum age to be a surrogate for the UK, based on fact intended parents can have ivf at 18.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings I am so sorry you went through that. I'm glad you got help.

Someone I knew almost became a surrogate at one point. She was only 21 and had her own child who was only about 1 at the time. This was in America. She was only stopped at the last minute because she was diagnosed with BPD and they wouldn't let her continue. She was desperate for another baby, absolutely desperate. She was putting a lot of pressure on a very new bf to TTC with her and when he wouldn't she suddenly decided she wanted to be a surrogate. She was very open as well about wanting the money. I'm so glad she wasn't able to go through with it.

I also offered to be someone's surrogate once. I was very deeply traumatised by having had an abortion. I won't go into too much detail because it's still hard to think about, but I had a crippling sense of needing to atone. If I could have had myself arrested and punished for it, I would have. I also felt like there was missing person that I needed to bring into the world, like I'd upset the balance of the universe somehow and needed to fix it. It was a deeply fucked up time for me that ruined a good few years of my life. Thankfully the person I offered this too was well aware of my issues and not only declined my offer but helped me find a good therapist.

Just because some women in surrogacy aren't doing it for the money, doesn't mean its altruistic.

This is a total gossipy derail, but who the hell macs on their daughter's boyfriend?!?!

This was my primal response - utter heartbreak for these babies who were commissioned by three people who never loved them and never intended to love them. Awful awful awful.

I feel a visceral response to this article.

I really hate that word commissioned...these are human beings we are talking about. It’s like they are being made to order which in a way I suppose they are.

You have answered your own question. This is precisely why the language used is important and talking about commissioning parents makes clear these are people who have ordered a baby. (And in this case cancelled the order).

The surrogacy industry prefers the term intended parents which is all much more fluffy.

Awful story. It's clear some women have an addiction to having babies. Where simple economics might put the brakes on for most women, the opportunity to be a surrogate is like adding rocket fuel.

The Law Commission have no plans to limit the number of times a woman can be a surrogate mother. Either because they think this sort of thing is fine, and a perfect way for a woman to earn a living, as a breeder for the upper classes.
Or possibly their research is so poor they haven't come across these sorts of cases and haven't given any real consideration to these sorts of issues or don't care anyway.

Meanwhile the wretched Drewitt-Barlows are already planning more surrogate babies.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8850527/Barrie-Drewitt-Barlow-50-says-wants-twins-having-baby-surrogate-fianc-25.html

He has an addiction to breeding too. I think maybe he was bullied for being gay and this is his way of showing he's an alpha male or something. Disgusting man.

I get so depressed with cases like these. Not just due to the exploitation of the women involved and the poor children produced as a result of these arrangements. But the world is overpopulated FFS, and we have people like David Attenborough doing his best to encourage us all to consume less.
And then you have these people with an addiction to breeding because they can. And all the problems they are passing on to the poor children.

I really hate that word commissioned...these are human beings we are talking about. It’s like they are being made to order which in a way I suppose they are.

It's a hell of a trauma for them I agree. Shocking.

I feel so sorry for the babies in this story. They were commissioned but rejected before they were born because the commissioning parents (which included the biological father) split up. The surrogate mother provided her own eggs, but didn't consider the babies 'hers'.

I am glad they are with loving adoptive parents now. The commodification of babies in this manner is reprehensible.

I think there might also be something in how you find it's the thing you're good at, that your value is measured by this and that it's sort of your contribution to the world. I think that's very sad if true.

I'm laid up in bed and am getting lazy in my posting etiquette. The above is credited to OP

I think there might also be something in how you find it's the thing you're good at, that your value is measured by this and that it's sort of your contribution to the world. I think that's very sad if true.

@OhHolyJesus you wrote it before I could! Reading this I just wanted to hug that poor woman and tell her her worth is more than just being a rented womb. It's why we don't see high achieving doctors, professionals, actors, celebrities or leaders being charitable and providing altruistic pregnancies.

It's the same argument we use for reproductive rights - women are not incubators for people who want control over our bodies.

And again, she has children now, out in the world, and that loss for them and her can not be measured. Of course, adoption can be a very good thing, but these children were adopted because they were commissioned, not just because their birth families could not care for them. That is very, very different.

Ethel Kennedy (mother of 12) said that her first thought when she heard her husband had been assassinated was "This will be my last pregnancy. There will be no more babies." For some women, Pregnancy is their Purpose.

There was a programme on BBC Radio 4 last year, about a BBC reporter and his partner using a surrogate mother in the USA. The programme was supposed to be selling their circumstances as a big happy family. ButI felt that the woman in that case sounded vulnerable, had had a difficult upbringing, and had some purpose missing in her life. The "feeling useful, needed and special", in an otherwise unremarkable and potentially loveless life, rings true.

I just really do not believe any woman would be a surrogate unless there was some level of vulnerability in her life. Be that needing money, needing to retain the love of/please/avoid guilty feelings towards a close sibling or friend, or simply needing to have a purpose in life and something to make themselves feel special.

Cattenburg not sure about the proposed laws here but in USA where they have different contacts I think the purchasers can get an abortion without any complaint etc from the woman carrying the baby/ babies.

I don't know if that's allowed if it's the woman's own egg in the USA, does anyone else?

Surrogacy is an issue where my views have really changed over the years and for me it's just a hard no full stop.

So this is often the kind of story that "doesn't happen" in regulated, western surrogacy according to advocates in discussions i've had. Well here it is. Surrogate in Canada, commissioning parents in the UK.Never happens eh.

You do often get a lot of attention from being pregnant. I must admit I did quite like this (despite absolutely hating the physical side) and it wouldn't surprise me if some women become addicted to pregnancy.