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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

How to stop this man

60 replies

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 09:01

Was a very regular poster, but had a 10 year or so break.
My daughter had an awful relationship from 16-17 with a boy who was coercive, a liar and a rapist.
Our daughter split up with him after about a 10 month relationship and was initially upset. She’s a private person so me and her dad didn’t pry.
Eventually her self harming (which she would never discuss or acknowledge ) led to her asking me to take her to hospital for stitches.
On the way home, she told me that he had regularly raped her.
I contacted our local rape crisis centre and took her for an initial meeting.
Daughter and the team there concluded that pursuing a charge against him would not be in her interests or have any realistic chance of success. She met with the counsellors alone.
She left for university last week and has met someone who has also been sexually assaulted by him.
Is there anything that they can do? Her new friend wants them to put posters up in his town when they return for Xmas, I have already said it is a bad idea.
Their argument is that they can possibly save another woman experiencing what they have

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 11/02/2021 09:08

Good news op. There are, unfortunately, more people like this than we'd like to think out there. One less would be amazing.

Franke · 11/02/2021 09:02

What a brave, strong young woman your daughter is. Whether he is convicted now or in the future, she has taken control and stood up for what is right. And your quiet support will have had a big part to play in helping her to find that strength.

Melange99 · 11/02/2021 08:58

Well done her.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 11/02/2021 08:55

OP your daughter is amazing - you can tell her that she has made strangers proud of her. I wish you both all the very best Flowers

IM0GEN · 11/02/2021 08:53

That’s a great update OP. Best wishes to your DD and the other young women - I hope he gets put away.

highame · 11/02/2021 08:50

Flowers I was wondering, before I got to this update, whether meeting someone who had also been a victim might have really helped your daughter, I think victims of sexual violence often feel isolated and this makes them feel powerless. I am so glad a chance meeting at Uni has proved to be so successful and hopefully this will help more of his victims come forward.

Mydogisagentleman · 11/02/2021 08:49

Twinklystar. We have had that conversation. He is on some sort of list held by the police that future partners could check from the initial complaint that she made.

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twinklystar23 · 10/02/2021 21:34

Hi OP I work with victims and ANY allegation even if unproven is logged. Even in the worst scenario that he gets away with it, this time, it will only be a matter of time.... would advise to keep your daughter grounded on the fact ot will be down to evidence, if the CPS decide to prosecute. If not, its only down to hard evidence. Fingers crossed he will be tried and convicted.

Gatehouse77 · 10/02/2021 18:24

What a credit to you and your parenting to have a daughter who will stand up for herself and others. She sounds fantastic.
I hope the outcome is as it should be and really glad to hear it's been escalated - great validation for your daughter.

ParkingFeud · 10/02/2021 18:23

Good luck and well done to your very brave daughter and friends!

JorisBonson · 10/02/2021 18:17

Everything crossed for you and them OP!

Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 17:23

Thank you for your support.
She said she isn’t allowed to be in contact, or at least no discussion of the situation with the others.
I am properly proud of her and really hope that the CPS have sufficient evidence to charge the shit

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JorisBonson · 10/02/2021 16:06

@Mydogisagentleman your DD sounds like a fantastic girl and very, very brave.

I used to work in a sexual offences unit and had a very similar case. The CPS took it very, very seriously.

Best of luck to all of you x

GlitterBiscuits · 10/02/2021 16:06

Massive well done to your daughter for being so brave.
ThanksThanks It could be my daughter out there.Thank you.

I hope she only has happy experiences from now on.

Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 16:03

Just had a WhatsApp.
CID are now involved.
She’s a different person!

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Winesalot · 10/02/2021 15:55

I hope that they are able to successfully prosecute. Good luck to your daughter.

WendyTestaburger · 10/02/2021 15:06

Lots of luck to you and your daughter

Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 15:02

An update.
She has unearthed 4 more women who have had this assault from him.
She went to the police in her uni city who were very interested and, as she is not a lone voice are going to be taking it further.
I’m so happy, I haven’t heard her so upbeat for a long time.

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Mydogisagentleman · 07/10/2020 09:55

Weird fan, thanks for that.
I spoke to her last night and asked if her new friend would be comfortable with going to the police. She said she would ask her and let me know.
It’s unlikely that anything will happen before Xmas. Her university looks likely to lockdown on Friday

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Weirdfan · 06/10/2020 16:31

I know exactly what you mean about that, I do the same with someone evil from my past. I would hope DD would have a better experience with RC this time but I still think the two of them going to the police together would be the best way forward if they can possibly face it. I'm fully aware it's not always a fair outcome but it would be even more unfair if any of you got into trouble for trying to get justice another way, he's done enough damage as it is Flowers

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 13:03

Weird fan, I don’t know what was discussed during the meeting, it took place when she was 17 and 6 or so months post relationship. At the time, I think she was still traumatised and wasn’t entrirely thrilled at me contacting them on her behalf.
Personally I would like everyone in his town to know what he is like.
In the past couple of years, there have been a number of murders in his town. I ALWAYS hope it’s him

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BobbinThreadbare123 · 06/10/2020 11:14

When I was at uni Facebook was very new but there were pages which girls posted on, warning other girls away from certain lads. A lot went round the grapevine too. Unofficial but it had its merits.

Weirdfan · 06/10/2020 10:24

We are fairly rural and consequently I don’t think our women’s services are as good or effective as those in cities.

I must admit I was surprised RC would have put it in such blunt terms. I'm sure they do have to advise being realistic about prosecution but I'm not sure putting victims off even trying is good practise.

ArabellaScott · 06/10/2020 10:23

Oh, yes, and this organisation might be helpful:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Advice on legal aspects.

ArabellaScott · 06/10/2020 10:21

Can the police not record any charges made, even if the case is unlikely to get to court? Will this not help if other women come forward? Sorry, I don't know much about the legal aspects of this.

This has some info that might be helpful - there are specialists within the police to help deal with this kind of situation:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/rape-and-sexual-assault/