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Original poster

How to stop this man

60 replies

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 09:01

Was a very regular poster, but had a 10 year or so break.
My daughter had an awful relationship from 16-17 with a boy who was coercive, a liar and a rapist.
Our daughter split up with him after about a 10 month relationship and was initially upset. She’s a private person so me and her dad didn’t pry.
Eventually her self harming (which she would never discuss or acknowledge ) led to her asking me to take her to hospital for stitches.
On the way home, she told me that he had regularly raped her.
I contacted our local rape crisis centre and took her for an initial meeting.
Daughter and the team there concluded that pursuing a charge against him would not be in her interests or have any realistic chance of success. She met with the counsellors alone.
She left for university last week and has met someone who has also been sexually assaulted by him.
Is there anything that they can do? Her new friend wants them to put posters up in his town when they return for Xmas, I have already said it is a bad idea.
Their argument is that they can possibly save another woman experiencing what they have

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DdraigGoch · 18/02/2021 00:18

@Mydogisagentleman

True fact. I am so proud of her, persuing it in the face of so much ‘oh we can’t do anything it’s too long ago’ statements. I just wish I could be with her, but I understand that for her own peace of mind she needs to be independent. You don’t ever want to stop protecting your child
Many rape cases fail because the evidence available is only "her word against his". You have much more than that though. What you have is not just "her word", but also her word, her word, her word, and her word too. The number of witnesses to his pattern of behaviour should swing the balance. Your daughter's case has a better chance than most of succeeding.
Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 17/02/2021 21:04

True fact. I am so proud of her, persuing it in the face of so much ‘oh we can’t do anything it’s too long ago’ statements.
I just wish I could be with her, but I understand that for her own peace of mind she needs to be independent.
You don’t ever want to stop protecting your child

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QueenoftheAir · 17/02/2021 19:02

I'll be thinking of her. She's a brave lass.

I have an undergrad student in a similar situation. She's having such difficulties. The bastard piece of toerag (I won't call it a "man") goes on with its studies fancy-free.

This country really does give most men the license to rape if they want to.

JorisBonson · 17/02/2021 17:39

Great update @Mydogisagentleman, hope it all goes well for her.

Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 17/02/2021 17:33

Just spoken to DD, the police are collecting her on Friday to record her statement and meet victims support.

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kyliebees · 12/02/2021 15:56

I am so sorry what your daughter has been through. That is horrific but especially at such a young age! Horrible for you too as her mother. So much pain caused by this rapist.

Situations like this are so tough because of the unreasonable standards for evidence in court. Consider it but be aware that you and your daughter will have an uphill battle.

Whatever happens you're doing the right thing by encouraging your daughter. Keep reminding her that she is valuable and is living a good life.

Whatever you and your daughter decide, I wish you the very best!

Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 12/02/2021 07:05

@woodspightly her and her fellow band of abused have looked at his social media.
It was revealing.
They have apparently made contact with the ex’s that he listed.
I’ve told her it’s probably best to leave it to the police now just in case one of them ‘tip’ him the wink about what they are doing.
Time will tell

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stumbledin · 11/02/2021 23:42

Fantastic news. Well done you and well gone and gook luck to your daughter.

And @justilou1 so sorry to read your story and how long it has taken to get support. Hope things start to look brighter. Flowers

QueenoftheAir · 11/02/2021 18:44

She went to the police in her uni city who were very interested and, as she is not a lone voice are going to be taking it further.

Good luck to your DD, and say thank you to her on behalf of other women. I see what these sort of "normal" men do to my lovely undergrads.

You and she will need to be strong as steel for this. All my best to you.

Woodspritely · 11/02/2021 18:27

How is she finding the other women? She didn’t do the poster thing?

Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 11/02/2021 18:04

@thosetalesofunexpected only she is at university, he works in a burger place.
Tragically it seems that it isn’t just local people involved, he lived around 40 miles from us.
She has found another woman who is 50 odd miles further away from us.
It seems he is using tinder and now has has transport

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peak2021 · 11/02/2021 16:41

Thank you for updating us and I hope your daughter and the other victim can get justice.

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/02/2021 16:27

@Mydogisagentleman

Oops sorry l ment to say about encouraging possible other victims to come forward speak out.

Just wondering is there a way your daughter and her friend stories could be told in a cofindential way in a local newspaper with their possibilities of encourage other possible victims to have Cofindence to speak up.

Hence back up your daughter and her friends harrowing rape experiences with the possibility of a court case being much stronger evidence for police and court case too.

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/02/2021 16:21

@Mydogisagentleman

I think you need to find out about how to put in a story in a local newspaper along the lines of encouraging any other victims of this sexual Predator.
(so that other victims too have the Cofindence/the opportunity to speak up in cofindential way.

(this will obviously will help back up a potential court case in the future.

(Also the university this Arsehole attends.
(Can you op find out/speak to who is the person who support/helps students in that rolerole
and state your concerns to see if this matter can be taken up further along?
(Does that person have any concerns about this individual or know any Lecturers/or students have in the past or recently had concerns/issues about this Arsehole ex boyfriend?

Also ask this students support person is it possible, about how university Can make it possible to have a Talk to students about students safety Presentation/discussion such as safety personal safety iniatives awareness on issues such as Rape , One Punch kills issue for men, safety at work such as the Lampagh trust charity that gives good advice for women to protect themselves at work,especially Lone workers it was set up by the infamous 80s case when a female estate agent dispeared never to be seen again and various other issues that affects students.

Find out if there is someone higher up who could ensure that this happens.
Be assertive about this,do not give up op

Deathraystare · 11/02/2021 15:39

His wife said "not again" when she opened the door to the police I would be saying a bit more than that!!!

Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 11/02/2021 15:23

It’s all go, she’s really got a bee in her bonnet. She remembered that he made some sort of sex tape of her when she was just 16. She told me today that she will make sure that the police check his phone (I am sure if it gets that far it’s one of the first things they will do).
It seems that reporting it has loosened some memories
I offered to drive to see her on my next day off work. She assures me she is fine.
I hope so. She does have a personality disorder that I am sure was worsened by him. I haven’t heard her sound so up beat for a long while.

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DdraigGoch · 11/02/2021 12:27

@Mydogisagentleman

Just had a WhatsApp. CID are now involved. She’s a different person!
Of course she is, she's no longer a victim (to be pitied), she's a survivor (to be admired).
DdraigGoch · 11/02/2021 12:24

Well done on her and the other victims for speaking up. When there isn't hard evidence (injuries, recordings etc.) it can be really hard for a jury to pick the bones of a "he said, she said" case. With several independent witnesses now in the frame though, the chances of a conviction are pretty good.

It's now really important that she follows the advice that the police give her (I trust that she never went ahead with the poster idea). Any contact between her and the other victims may give the defence an excuse to allege that there's a conspiracy.

malloo · 11/02/2021 11:29

Good for her, that takes a lot of courage, and well done you for raising her! It's so important that these things get logged, even if the justice system is still shockingly bad when it comes to rape. If every woman reports then the evidence will stack up against these vile men.

ArabellaScott · 11/02/2021 09:49

So very well done to your daughter, OP. Amazing that she is turning such a harrowing situation into one where she is helping others. You must be very proud. Wishing you both all the best. Flowers

justilou1 · 11/02/2021 09:46

I’m so very proud of you both! I was gang raped at 14. The nature of my relationship with my mother was never good, and if I had told her, the whole thing would have been a drama about how it had affected her, and I would have had no right to privacy, etc.... I’m 49 this year and have been receiving treatment for CPTSD. (Partly because of the rape and partly because of parental abuse.) Because I have come so far with my treatment and feel so mentally well for the first time ever, I firmly believe that with support like your daughter has from you, the police and her friend (and the other girls), she is going to flourish! Congratulations!!!!

JorisBonson · 11/02/2021 09:32

@grey12

You HAVE to contact the police!!

Even if nothing comes out of it, he is a rapist and your daughter is not his only victim. He HAS to be in the record!!! If it happens again they know he is a repeat offender

Please RTFT. OP's daughter is very bravely working with the police.
CaraDuneRedux · 11/02/2021 09:25

Your daughter is fabulous as are her friends - so brave. Flowers

grey12 · 11/02/2021 09:23

You HAVE to contact the police!!

Even if nothing comes out of it, he is a rapist and your daughter is not his only victim. He HAS to be in the record!!! If it happens again they know he is a repeat offender

Original poster
Mydogisagentleman · 11/02/2021 09:11

Thanks for the kind words.
I wish I could share some of his more ludicrous comments about our family.
I won’t just in case, but suffice to say that I don’t recognise myself or husband from his description. Nor the house, we seem to have lost 2 bedrooms and a bathroom, or our dog who appears to have put on 30kg and needed to be punched in the face to stop him killing a cat.not all heroes wear capes. Tosspot

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